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The FBI announced the arrest of three robbers who held up a Houston-area Wells Fargo bank, aged 11, 12, & 16 years. The youngest handed the teller a note demanding they put the g**damned money in the Spongebob backpack.

New York State is allowing prison inmates to train dogs to be service animals. It’s going pretty well, except for the dogs requiring veterinary care after trying to carry jailbreak tools to prisoners in their butts.

Kourtney Kardashian declared on social media that she’s ‘autosexual’ – defined as deriving erotic pleasure from one’s own body. Coincidentally, guys looking at pictures of Kourtney & her sisters say it’s turned them autosexual, too.

Donald Trump may be forced to sell real estate because he hasn’t found a Treasury Department-approved surety bond issuer to loan him nearly $500 million to appeal his financial fraud judgment before Monday. Meanwhile, ‘Fair Deal Vladdy P’s Bond & Check Cashing Service’ awaits Treasury Department approval.

A report from DailyMail.com claims DNA tests like 23andMe and Ancestry are revealing to many people that they’re the product of incestuous relationships. More shocking, these children of siblings seem pretty eager to tell DailyMail about it.

A Texas high school teacher was arrested and charged for having sex with as many as 12 students, after supplying them vapes and booze. The teacher resigned, and said how hard it is having to buy school supplies out of her own pocket.

Ireland’s youngest ever Prime Minister Leo Varadkar announced his resignation – and you think you did some regrettable stuff on St. Patrick’s Day….

Journey’s 1981 rock anthem Don’t Stop Believin’ has been named the Biggest Song of All Time by Forbes, having reached 18 million purchases, downloads & streams. Ironically, it’s caused most other bands to stop believin’ they’ll ever be that successful.

JetBlue is cutting back on flights and exiting cities including Bogota, Colombia. In an unrelated move, Spirit Airlines announced new SmuggleSaver fares to select South American cities.

Buckingham Palace is on the defensive after admitting photos of the Royal Family have been doctored for years. Most recently, Princess Kate admitted her family photo was edited, and reps conceded that the late Queen Elizabeth II did not participate in snowboard halfpipe at the 2018 Winter X Games.

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Ivanka Trump and IBM CEO Ginni Rometty visited Norwalk Early College Academy in Connecticut, a school that awards both a high school diploma and an associate’s degree in software engineering. Trump questioned the students, asking if any knew how to completely wipe emails off of a hard drive permanently.

Wormtown Brewery in Worcester, Massachusetts is rolling out DD Roasted Brew, a stout made using Dunkin Donuts Roast Coffee Beans.  Brewers recommend each pint be consumed with six packets of Splenda and extra cream.

A 29-year-old teacher at a Christian high school is charged with rape after allegedly having sex with a 15-year-old student. Her employer, Logos Christian Academy has not commented, except to say that they’ve cancelled the couple’s appearance as Mary & Joseph in the school Nativity Play.

Authorities in Virginia said that the two pit bulls who mauled their owner – a 22-year-old woman – to death were ‘a little bit neglected’… and ‘more than a little bit hungry’.

“Whatever” was named Americans’ least-favorite word for the seventh year in a row, according to an annual survey. Said the survey’s spokesperson: “It is what it is.”

E! News announced the resignation of longtime on-air host Catt Sadler. In a blog post, Sadler said she resigned because of salary inequity with a male host, who was being paid twice as much to ask “who are you wearing?”.

President Trump will soon sign a new tax reform bill, the most sweeping change to the U.S. tax code in decades. The law will cut corporate taxes from 35% to 21% and the highest individual bracket from 39% to 37%. Perhaps most importantly, it extends the audit of all of Trump’s tax returns for as long as he’s in office.

Chloe Kohanski won Season 13 of ‘The Voice’. She wins $100,000, a recording contract with Universal Music Group, and joins such past show champions-slash-household names as ….

McDonald’s will begin selling a McVegan burger in Europe, accompanied by a massive ad campaign touting “The taste will make you Grimace.”

  • The burger will also be offered to children as part of McDonald’s Europe-only ‘Ennui Meal’.

Cardinal Bernard Law died. Cardinal Law, who hid pedophile priests in the Boston diocese for decades, will still receive a full Vatican funeral. However, he will be buried wearing swim trunks beneath his robes in an effort to stay cool where he’s going.