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There’s a growing “fictosexual” movement in Japan, where both men and women have emotional and sexual relationships with holograms. Some have even married the holograms, then divorced when the hologram catches them cheating with a love doll.

Actor Bill Murray discussed his misbehavior that resulted in the shutdown of a movie, ‘Being Mortal’, in which he costars. “I did something I thought was funny, and it wasn’t taken that way”. Murray’s quote also describes his last 12 comedy roles.

A Colorado prison inmate assigned to work on a poultry farm became the first U.S. resident to test positive for bird flu. Then the chicken broke up with him.

A formal McDonald’s manager said she would never order the restaurant’s “sweet tea”, since every gallon of the beverage includes a pound of sugar. She describd the tea as “not sweet enough”.

The Met Gala is Monday night, with the entire Kardashian-Jenner family rumored to be attending, with the exception of Rob Kardashian, who was “snubbed”. Rob denies being snubbed, and says instead he’ll be attending the Burger King Drive-Thru Gala.

Pickleball courts are being demanded by builders of high-end luxury homes and mansions, saying wealthy residents are tired of having backyard heart attacks on tennis and basketball courts.

Scientists believe there is an “anti-universe” mirroring our current reality, that runs backward in time and explains the presence of “dark matter”. Republicans like the idea of the back-in-time part, but aren’t so crazy about the dark matter.

Scientists published a report claiming seven hours of sleep is the right amount for senior citizens. Although they’re not sure how to pass the time when they wake up at 1 a.m. after going to bed at 6.

Celebrity couple Megan Fox & Machine Gun Kelly admitted drinking small amounts of each other’s blood, so the leader of a New Orleans vampire club warned them to test it for diseases. He said he’d do it, but they’d need to drop it off at night.

Shaquille O’Neal claims he’s trying to go vegan for better health as he gets older. The good news is that hundreds of cows and chickens will live; the bad news is his plant-based eating threatens the rainforest.

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Best Buy recalled over 700,000 air fryers because of a safety risk, with one reportedly causing burns to a child’s leg. Police also arrested a man accused of trying to eat a child’s leg.

The Kardashian family asked a judge to dismiss Blac Chyna’s defamation lawsuit against the family. Or, at the very least, to let them take pictures of each other in the courtroom since they each went three hours without posting anything to Instagram.

JC Penney made an $8.6 billion offer to buy Kohl’s. The deal is subject to antitrust review since the merged store would effectively corner the market on dumpy mom outfits.

General Motors announced they’ll launch a fully-electric Corvette around the 2024 model year, promising it’ll go from Zero to Totaled On A Telephone Pole in several seconds.

China will test 20 million citizens in an effort to lift the lockdown in Shanghai. The tests will take a couple of days, the hard part is getting everyone the pagers to let them know it’s their turn.

Delta Airlines will start paying flight attendants during boarding, versus when the aircraft door closes. Passengers are now encouraged to have their drunken fistfights before departure so the crew gets paid more during the delay.

Following the death of Japan’s 119-year-old Kane Tanaka, a French nun called Sister Andre is now the World’s Oldest Person at 118 years, 73 days. Sister Andre said she’s considering ending her career as a nun so she can finally have sex.

A doorbell camera captured an alligator scratching the door of a Florida home. Then a female alligator opened the door and said she wasn’t letting him in until he sobered up.

A Little League baseball game in South Carolina was halted due to gunshots. The game resumed after the kid in right field said the gun went off while he was cleaning it.

63-year-old Madonna posted on Instagram, wearing fishnet tights with her legs spread and grabbing her crotch. She captioned the photo “found my car keys”.

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A man inhaled a dental drill bit into his lung while having a cavity filled. Doctors removed it and are now busily filling the six cavities in his windpipe.

A Wisconsin mother of identical triplet boys uses color-coded toenail paint to tell them apart – at least until she finds a tattoo parlor willing to ink the names on their asses.

Banking giant JP Morgan Chase unveiled plans for a new 60-story headquarters tower in New York City, powered entirely by renewable energy. Specifically, harnessing methane gas generated by workers and tourists at hot dog & falafel carts on the block.

A man received a $450,000 settlement after suing his former employer, who incited a panic attack at a workplace birthday party in his honor. The man said he’ll probably never return to work at Chuck E Cheese.

A federal judge blocked the mask mandate for U.S. airlines, giving a victory to airline passengers who want to spit on flight attendants after they punch them.

A Bucks County, Pennsylvania man became the 11th in history to record a perfect score on the original arcade version of Pac-Man. He was recognized posthumously, since he died because they didn’t notice his playing the game while they demolished the abandoned Pizza Hut around him.

Moscow’s Mayor said economic sanctions against Russia resulted in the loss of 200,000 jobs in the city. To make ends meet, tens of thousands of displaced workers are applying to Moscow’s only food delivery service, BorschtDash.

The new trailer for Marvel’s Thor: Love & Thunder has some fans concerned that Thor is gay. And quite a few of them positively thrilled that Thor is gay.

The new USFL premiered over the weekend, with the season kickoff game between the Birmingham Stallions & New Jersey Generals viewed by an estimated 2.95 prison inmates and gambling addicts.

Jury selection started in Blac Chyna’s defamation trial against the Kardashian family. Lawyers are seeking 12 jurors and 2 alternates who can remain impartial while pretending to listen to testimony while staring at boobs.

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Due to a driver shortage, Massachusetts activated the National Guard to drive school buses. They’ll be paid the standard rate, plus whatever lunch money they can take from wimps.

Boston will elect its first non-white Mayor in the city’s history, as all candidates are persons of color. The frontrunner is Councilor Michelle Wu. “Wu-hu!” said her supporters after the primary. “Wu-Who?” asked non-voters.

Environmentalists are outraged that an annual dolphin hunt in the remote Faroe Islands killed far too many for the residents who rely on dolphin meat to eat, and that surplus will go wasted. That is, until Arby’s introduced their new Flipper Reuben.

Pfizer said they’ll seek approval for a COVID-19 vaccine for children ages 5-12 in November, leading to a national lollipop shortage.

School districts in the U.S. claim that new viral TikTok ‘Bathroom Challenges’ encourage students to damage fixtures, with the one causing the most damage declared winner. They say the worst damage to fixtures occurs on Taco Tuesday.

Instagram is looking at ways to deemphasize its emphasis on women’s bodies, after a study found the site is “toxic” for many teen girls. So, bad news for the Kardashians, and great news for cats.

Kendall Jenner told Tonight Show host Jimmy Fallon how she found out sister Kylie is pregnant, and that she wasn’t “shocked”. She wasn’t shocked, and found out, because she walked in on rapper Travis Scott & Kylie having sex.

Elon Musk’s SpaceX will launch the first all-civilian crew into orbit on Wednesday night. They’ll orbit Earth for approximately four days, or until one of them figures out how to get back sooner.

NASA awarded contracts to five companies to provide lunar landers for upcoming missions, including Elon Musk’s SpaceX, Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin, and – in the biggest surprise – Ollie’s Bargain Outlet.

Alaska’s largest hospital said they’re implement new crisis care protocols due to overwhelming COVID cases, saying all the ventilators running at once are melting the ICU’s.

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Congress approved a bill to make Juneteenth – June 19th, a day marking the end of slavery – a federal holiday, as multiple Republicans tried, and failed, to do the same for Jansixth.

Gay soccer star Megan Rapinoe was hired to promote Victoria’s Secret as part of their rebrand – so now we all know what Victoria’s secret was.

The Philadelphia 76ers blew a 20-point lead for the second straight time, losing to the Atlanta Hawks in Game 5 of their playoff series. Philadelphia fans threw batteries at the team, then the Sixers threw them back and missed.

Southern Baptists elected Ed Litton as their conference President, who’s viewed as a ‘centrist’ because he promotes racial justice, while still hating queers.

Angelina Jolie reportedly got a ‘meaningful new tattoo’ – which reminds her what all of her other, less meaningful, tattoos are supposed to mean.

Fishermen near New Jersey’s Seaside Heights Pier caught a great white shark, which was then won by a kid playing a ring toss game.

The world’s third-largest diamond was reportedly unearthed near Botswana. Google suffered a brief outage as all the world’s rappers and the Kardashian family simultaneously searched ‘Where Is Botswana’?

Asked about privacy in a new interview, Apple CEO Tim Cook called it “a fundamental human right”. Asked about more durable glass on iPhones, Cook called it “a much lower priority than privacy”.

Microsoft Teams is doubling the maximum number of on-screen videoconference participants from 49 to 98. This makes it more likely you can see video of CNN’s Jeffrey Toobin masturbating, but tougher to actually tell what he’s doing.

Ricky Schroder protested outside a Foo Fighters concert in Agoura Hills, California, because attendance required proof of vaccination. Schroeder then left for a Toby Keith concert which required proof of gun ownership and dropping out of junior high.

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Oregon decriminalized heroin, meth & cocaine. Several legal-marijuana states offically changed their state slogans to “Gateway To Oregon”.

Donald Trump prematurely declared victory at 2:30 in the morning. Coincidentally, that’s how Barron was conceived.

Trump asserted that he had a clear path to 270, though pundits are skeptical since he currently weighs in at about 310.

Given the current timetable for issuing definitive election results, Congress will consider a bill to have final tallies announced at halftime of Thursday Night Football .

Travis Scott quit Instagram. He realized if he wanted to see the Kardashians half-naked, he could just visit them in person.

Florida passed a ballot initiative to approve a $15 minimum wage, despite a huge negative campaign from Florida’s richest resident, Scrooge McDuck.

Dunkin’ & Baskin Robbins were sold for over $11 Billion to Inspire Brands – owners of Arby’s, Sonic & Buffalo Wild Wings. Inspire plans to change its name to Type II Brands.

A humpback whale capsized two kayakers off the coast of Avila Beach, California. The kayakers were uninjured, but said the whale was driving his speedboat way too close to them.

Kanye West is launching Yeezy Christian Academy. Enrollment is steady, as parents sign up their kids, get their YCA shirts & sneakers, withdraw them, and sell the clothes on eBay.

NFL Owners are considering a 16-team ‘COVID contingency’ playoff format in case all regular season games can’t be completed, culminating in Super Bowl St Patrick’s Day.

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Founder Elon Musk said Tesla will “most likely” begin upgrading older vehicles with new computer chips – so that a speedier processor can drive your car into the back of a tractor-trailer while you sleep behind the wheel.

Eye drops sold at Walmart and Walgreens are being recalled because they’re not sterile. Customers are advised to return the drops for a full refund if they ever get their vision back.

Vice President Mike Pence will visit immigrants at the southern border. “Looks okay to me” said Pence, standing at the southern border where Indiana becomes Kentucky.

Washington, D.C. was hit by flash flooding, stranding drivers and flooding the White House basement. “Quick, get the tanks!” said a local idiot.

A couple sued an in-vitro fertility clinic for impregnating a woman with the wrong embryo.  The CHA Fertility Clinic was also cited for keeping inadequate records, storing eggs only as Jumbo, Extra Large & Large.

The 7.1 magnitude California earthquake created massive cracks in the Earth near Ridgecrest, visible from outer space. It’s now the second-biggest series of cracks in California, second only to the Kardashian compound in Calabasas.

A Florida high school principal was reassigned after writing that he couldn’t say the Holocaust was a ‘factual, historical event’. His school will also stop using the history textbook he wrote: ‘World War II – A Good Time Had By All’.

Philadelphia historians reenacted the first public reading of the Declaration of Independence on July 8th, 1776. Tourists reenacted the audience that day – walking out to find something a lot less boring to do.

The World Cup Champion U.S. Women’s National Soccer team arrived back home in Newark, New Jersey. “Newark? I thought we won?” said players.

Over 6,000 people each year are treated for lacerations & puncture wounds from hard plastic ‘clamshell’ packaging. Customers are advised to open it with sharp scissors to create cuts on your hands that are more uniform and easily stitched.