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France reelected President Emmanuel Macron, defeating far-right candidate Marine Le Pen, who is going back to Le Drawing Board.

Maci Currin, a 6-foot 10-inch tall Texas teenager with the Guinness record for World’s Longest Legs at 4-feet 5-inches, has joined Only Fans, so that old creeps can answer the question ‘Do they go all the way up?’.

Fitbit is offering deep discounts for fitness trackers this Mother’s Day, for those looking to kickstart Mom’s fitness plans and also kickstart the end of their marriage.

A huge wildfire is raging in southwest Nebraska. Officials are trying to summon a tornado to put it out.

A Texas food delivery company is offering $10,000 for someone to do taste tasting in June & July and become the company’s Chief Taco Officer. They’ve received 75,000 applications from neighboring Mexico.

119-year-old Kane Tanaka of Japan, the World’s Oldest Person, died. She was memorialized in a statement from the World’s Second Oldest Person, who then died.

Health officials in Congo report a new outbreak of Ebola. They’re doubly concerned because of the refusal of fruit bats to get vaccinated.

The first all-private team of ‘space tourist’ astronauts aboard the International Space Station will undock from the station and begin their trip home. They’re now pre-boarding military personnel and those who need a little extra time to get settled.

Amber Fillary broke her own world record by swimming 295 feet, 3 inches beneath the ice of a frozen Norwegian lake. She surfaced by breaking through the ice with her nipples.

A North Carolina woman whose doorbell camera alerted her to activity on her front porch saw that a snake had slithered in front of the camera. When she got to the porch, the snake had left behind a brochure for replacement windows.

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A woman glued her hand to the floor of the Minnesota Timberwolves basketball court during a game against the LA Clippers, to protest Wolves owner Glen Taylor’s treatment of chickens on his egg farms. The woman is less concerned about the treatment of horses used to make the glue.

Ryan Fischer, the man shot while walking Lady Gaga’s dogs, is concerned that the shooter was mistakenly released from jail due to a clerical error. He’s no longer walking the dogs, because they somehow managed to buy guns to defend themselves.

MSNBC announced Rachel Maddow’s show will only air on Mondays instead of every weeknight. Lesbian Democrats are disappointed, but happy that they just freed up four hours a week on their DVRs.

Gilbert Gottfried died, and edged past Norm Macdonald on Twitter posters’ list of Greatest Comedians Ever.

Ronald Reagan’s assassin John Hinckley sold out an upcoming concert this July in Brooklyn. He already considers himself more successful giving music a shot.

A manhunt is underway for Frank James, a person of interest in the New York subway shooting. Police are baffled since James rented a U-Haul in Philadelphia and managed to get out of that city without getting truckjacked.

Texas sent its first busload of immigrants to Washington D.C. Texas Governor Greg Abbott then fired his assistant after finding out she bought them all roundtrip tickets.

Following the ejection of first base coach Antoan Richardson, the San Francisco Giants replaced her with assistant coatch Alyssa Nakken, making her the first woman to coach on-field in an MLB game. The game went on for a while, because every signal she gave came with a ten-minute story.

Los Angeles gangs are responsible for a rash of recent violent crimes targeting the rich and famous in affluent neighborhoods. It’s so bad, MS-13 is now MS-90210.

A 5-foot by 6-foot stone slab was discovered during renovations at Jerusalem’s Church of the Holy Sepulchre, etched with grafitti left over the course of centuries. Translators determined the etchings were mostly “names and addresses of cute teenage boys”.

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Arizona State University hired University of Delaware’s Natasha Adair as their new Women’s Basketball coach. Adair expressed her gratitude for an opportunity to get as far as possible from Delaware.

Will Smith slapped Chris Rock at The Oscars, following Rock’s joke about Jada Pinkett Smith’s shaved head. Then co-host Amy Schumer slapped Rock, and called it “parallel thinking”.

The Los Angeles Police Department said Rock declined to file a police report against Will Smith following the slapping incident, according to the officers who interviewed Rock with their knees in his back for 15 minutes.

The FDA is expected to authorize a 2nd COVID booster shot for people over age 50, and the formation of a Booster Club to boost boosters for Boomers.

The University of North Carolina Tar Heels made it to the NCAA Men’s Basketball Final Four, routing Cinderella #15 Seed St. Peter’s, who were denied entry at the gates to New Orleans.

First Lady Jill Biden mourned the death of Foo Fighters drummer Taylor Hawkins, saying she’s saddened that the two hardest-rocking drummers she knew are now gone – Hawkins, and Karen Carpenter.

A rare pink grasshopper was found by a Texas man. The grasshopper was hiding after being chased by a gang of angry straight grasshoppers.

A British man – paralyzed from the waist down – climbed 1,444 stairs with the help of a robotic exoskeleton, breaking a world record. He spoke to reporters afterward, asking if the elevator was fixed.

A man ran a half-marathon in 2 hours & 19 minutes while pushing his quintuplets in a stroller. His wife called and asked him to make it a full marathon since she was really enjoying the time alone.

A Florida non-profit, Keep Florida Beautiful, placed robots on beaches to pick up small litter items like cigarette butts and bottle caps. Currently all of the robots are recovering from severe infections after picking up condoms.

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A change in your walking gait could be an early sign of dementia. Especially if it’s a change caused by not knowing where in the hell you walked to.

Buffalo Bills wide receiver Stefon Diggs was stranded in the city after his Ferrari got stuck in the snow. It was towed to safety, immediately after two Bills fans jumped off the top of it and through a folding table stored in the tow truck.

Novak Djokovic remains in a “deportation hotel” in Australia pending a determination whether he can play in the Australian Open. Djokovic refused vaccination, but Australia reversed its decision to allow him entry, so it’s technically a double-fault.

A new language has been created in the Pacific Northwest, called Protactile, used by deaf/blind people to communicate through touch. The first phrase ever developed was “I want to talk to you. Did you wash your hands?”.

Nicolas Cage and wife Riko Shabata are expecting a baby, which he’s expected to also surrender to the IRS for back payment of debt.

The makers of Nintendo racing game Mario Kart said the next installment – Mario Kart 9 – could come as early as this year with “a new twist”. They wouldn’t elaborate further except to say that you can drive a hearse for the first time.

The NFL is exploring contingency plans to move the Super Bowl from California to Texas if Los Angeles imposes further COVID restrictions. Halftime performers Snoop and Dr Dre say they could rap with masks on, with no change in white viewers understanding them.

U.S. airlines cancelled over 1,000 flights for the 12th straight day. Spirit Airlines is putting some cancelled short-flight passengers on Greyhound buses and betting they won’t really know the difference.

Aaron Babbitt – husband of deceased January 6th rioter Ashli Babbitt – said she wouldn’t have died if he was there with her because he would have “picked up on red flags”. Like, for instance, the “stop or I’ll shoot” red flag.

A November letter from imprisoned Subway spokesman Jared Fogle was leaked to the media. Fogle wrote that he works out regularly, and is in the best shape of his life. He signed off by wishing the recipient good luck in her 7th grade Christmas pageant.

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A viral image of black-licorice-flavored Oscar Mayer ‘Halloweiners’ proved to be fake, disappointing fans of black licorice, and disappointing even more fans of black weiners.

30,000 visitors were locked inside Shanghai Disneyland for hours after one visitor tested positive for COVID-19. The park reported no other COVID infections, although several people stuck on ‘It’s A Small World’ took their own life.

Despite Microsoft’s warnings that new operating system Windows 11 will only work on newer PCs with fast processors and ample memory, a man got it running on a 15-year-old computer. He intends to prove it once the PC finishes booting up in 8 months.

Nearly 90 countries joined a global pact to reduce methane gas. India has not yet agreed – as cows frantically pack their sh*t and try to move there.

A Texas bar is refusing to allow customers to play Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You” on the jukebox until December 1st. After that, it will abort playback of the song after four weeks.

Citing the challenging environment for Internet content providers, Yahoo! is pulling out of China. This, according to the company’s outgoing director of international operations, Ya Hu.

Space X’s Crew Dragon craft has a toilet leak, which will require four astronauts to use “undergarments” instead. However, due to global & extraterrestial supply chain issues, the undergarments won’t arrive in space for several months.

Scientists studying plants growing in Chile’s Atacama Desert – the world’s harshest non-polar desert – believe it holds the key to curing climate-related famine: eating cactus and tumbleweeds.

A new blood test can reportedly spot up to 50 different types of cancer – developers are working on a better name for the test than its current one: 49 Killer Flavors.

Kim Kardashian had a “fashion emergency” at a NYC awards show when a zipper broke on her outfit. Everyone was stunned to learn it was a zipper in the front.

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Mike Richards was fired as Executive Producer of both Jeopardy! and Wheel Of Fortune. Richards solved the puzzle M_K_ W_’R_ L_TT_NG YOU GO.

“Roaching” is the latest dating term among young adults, when they discover a partner has many other romantic contacts they don’t know about. Presumably “cockroaching” is when they discover numerous male romantic contacts.

The New England Patriots cut QB Cam Newton. He was ordered to turn in his playbook, as well as Coach Belichick’s copies of every other NFL team’s playbook.

Three unvaccinated comedians died of COVID-19 after participating in a ‘clean’ comedy contest. “What the frick?” they said from their ER beds.

An 80-pound female cougar kept as a pet was rescued from a NYC apartment. The owner didn’t care since he found a woman under 40 anyway.

Republicans are threatening telecom companies that comply with the Congressional January 6th Committee request for their private texts and messages. So far they have nothing to worry about, as Democrats are still on hold with Verizon, Xfinity, AT&T, etc.

Chloe Mrozak, 24, of Illinois, was arrested for using a fake COVID-19 vaccination card to enter Hawaii indicating she’d taken the “MADERNA” shots. Mrozak emailed her parents, saying she was stuck in a Hannalooloo jail.

A Texas school district closed after two teachers died of COVID-19. They tried to remain open, but dozens of children collapsed from exhaustion during the district’s contingency plan of all-day gym class.

A Sacramento school district says that 29 of its students remain stuck in Afghanistan. Worse, the Taliban took, and are beating them with, their marching band instruments.

Pope Francis said in an interview he never considered resigning his post, after surgery to remove half his colon. “Hey, if I didn’t quit over all those molested boys, I’m not quitting over this” he said.

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Obesity has been linked to infertility in women – leading guys who dislike condoms to reconsider their attitudes regarding “bigger chicks”.

Simon Gallup, longtime bassist for goth rockers The Cure, announced he’s leaving the band because he’s “fed up with betrayal”. And, fed up with having to have black hair.

The U.S. first daytime drive-in movie theater opened in Tennessee, featuring a gigantic LED screen. Sadly, a dozen kids died in hot cars watching a matinee.

Officials seized thousands of counterfeit golf clubs made in China. “Well that explains it” said terrible golfers who still suck after buying new clubs.

Joe Biden stands by his decision to pull out of Afghanistan, while Donald Trump stands by his decision to stay in Stormy Daniels.

A new study claims plant-based diets are the best way to avoid heart disease. “What’s the second-best way?” asked Americans.

Texas became the first state to make buying sex a felony. Owners are busy changing the sign to ‘The Best Little Accupressure Therapy House In Texas’.

The first ever Colorado River water shortage was declared. Production of Coors Light beer remains unimpacted, thanks to their strategic reserves of animal piss.

Britney Spears posted a gallery of topless photos on Instagram. “Damn” said Kevin Federline during his break at Big Lots.

The NFL Jacksonville Jaguars cut Tim Tebow, who attempted to reboot his career by moving from quarterback to tight end – this, before the Jaguars made him a loose end.

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Walmart announced they’ll pay worker’s full college tuition & book costs at 10 education partners, provided they continue to maintain at least a part-time schedule and live below the poverty line.

Vermont has the greatest percentage of adult residents with at least one COVID-19 vaccine, 83.2%. Officials say more adult residents would be vaccinated, but it’s difficult to get close enough to the bears.

Susan Wright, a Trump-endorsed candidate for the Texas U.S. House seat vacated by her dead husband, lost to fellow Republican Jake Ellzey. Wright gave a concession speech, conceding that the election was rigged and urging her followers to riot.

A North Dakota man was arrested for attempting to choke his girlfriend to death with a yo-yo string. She managed to escape because he couldn’t resist showing off his other tricks in-between attacks.

The CDC reinstated a recommendation to wear face masks indoors in areas of high transmission and low vaccination rates. Little kids in Florida will have to identify Disney Princesses by their dress and hair color.

Sydney, Australia extended its COVID-19 lockdown for four weeks due to a surge in cases. Residents won’t have a g’day until nex’month.

Simone Biles withdrew from the Individual All-Around gymnastics competition at the Tokyo Olympics to focus on her mental health. Several Olympic tennis players withdrew from their matches to focus on their dehydration and heat stroke.

McCormick recalled several varieties of Italian seasonings for possible salmonella contamination. They advise returning them or throwing them away, and using it as an excuse to skip Sunday dinner at your Italian grandmother’s house.

Hayli’s Law passed the Illinois Senate, allowing children under age 16 to operate a lemonade stand without a license or government interference. After the law passed, Hayli started adding vodka to the lemonade and now owns three houses and a boat.

Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher said that they rarely take full baths or showers, and bathe their children sparingly. Kunis’ ‘Bad Moms 3’ will be a documentary.

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Record flooding struck China. Rescuers complained of not having enough floating junks to haul away floating junk.

A man kneeling atop the dugout at a Triple-A Worcester Red Sox baseball game proposed to his girlfriend. She declined and ran away. He was demoted to Double-A marriage proposals.

Phoenix Suns head coach Monty Williams visited the locker room of the victorious Milwaukee Bucks to congratulate them on their Game 6 NBA title-clinching win. And to grab a couple free bottles of champagne to drink on a date this weekend.

Hospitals used body bags filled with ice water to cool patients in heat-related distress during the recent Pacific Northwest heat wave. And when it didn’t work, it was still a real time saver.

U.S. life expectancy experienced its biggest drop since World War II, with COVID, gun violence and drug overdoses all contributing. 2020 was so bad, it actually took a year-and-a-half off everyone’s life.

The MLB Cleveland Indians are officially changing their name to the Cleveland Guardians. Team officials made the announcement so Indians gear can be shipped along with Phoenix Suns NBA Champions apparel to underdeveloped countries.

Mississippi is asking the Supreme Court to overturn Roe v Wade, and – if they wouldn’t mind while they’re at it – explain to Mississippians where babies come from.

Producers of ABC’s daytime talk show The View are reportedly looking for a “Trump Republican” to replace departing Meghan McCain. “Not me” said Melania Trump.

San Francisco is reportedly considering $20,000 tamper-proof public garbage cans. At that price, homeless scavengers may decide to stop picking trash cans and start moving in to them.

The NFL issued a memo to all teams, saying that cancellation/postponement of games caused by COVID outbreaks among unvaccinated players & staff could result in forfeiture. That, or Texas-and-Florida-based teams may end up playing each other over and over.

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Governors of Florida & Texas are battling cruise lines over their vaccine rules, arguing that a COVID-19 vaccine doesn’t protect passengers against the hundreds of other gross viruses lurking on cruise ships.

The highly contagious Delta variant of COVID-19 is on the rise in the U.S. As is the Southwest, where you pick your own variant, and the Spirit, where you pay $49 for the virus.

Kristen Messner, wife of former Fleetwood Mac vocalist/guitarist Lindsey Buckingham, filed for divorce. She’s already auditioning new frontmen.

A 22-year-old Pennsylvania man is charged with wire fraud after impersonating Donald Trump’s brother and son to collect $25,000 in donations. Donald Trump is so impressed with the guy’s ability to get money from suckers that he may adopt him.

A McDonald’s customer is claiming the company’s test of voice & facial recognition technology when ordering violates privacy laws. That, and he’s insulted when he’s recognized and offered “so, the usual fifty McNuggets and three large fries?”

El Salvador is the first country to accept Bitcoin as legal tender, believing it will Be easier for drug dealers pay their federal income taxes.

Tomorrow, the Ring Of Fire solar eclipse will be partially visible in the United States. As the moon goes down and the sun gets higher. But use eye protection or your retinas will burn, burn, burn…from the Ring of Fire…the Ring of Fire.

A California man is considered “lucky to be alive” after being stuck for two days inside a barn fan at a Sonoma farm. Authorities were alerted by cows who called to complain about the smell.

France is sending the U.S. a “little sister” to the original Statue of Liberty. The bronze statue is 1/16th the size of the original, and will be used for toilet training hatchling pigeons and seagulls.

Sherwin Williams is raising paint prices 7%, citing pandemic-related shortages, due to more Americans buying paint just to watch it dry.