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Justene Gugumuck, a payroll manager for a Pennsylvania pest control company, was arrested and charged with embezzling over $120,000. The company said they’re embarrassed because it took them several years to catch the rat.

Hurricane Lee was upgraded to a Category 4 storm. It’s still a week away from any possible landfall on the East Coast from its current position, and any East Coast landing may be cancelled altogether if it decides to head north via Southwest Airlines.

Paqui One Chip Challenge chips were recalled after a 14-year-old Massachusetts high school student died after eating one. Although investigators continue to question lunch ladies about the Hungarian goulash that sickened 50 other kids that day.

Jimmy Fallon apologized to The Tonight Show staff regarding the toxic work environment documented in a Rolling Stone article. Rolling Stone‘s next article focuses on the Joe Rogan Podcast, and how that show turns listeners into toxic dicks.

Convicted rapist Danny Masterson of That 70s Show appeared in court Thursday and received That 30-Year Sentence.

Half the employees of dating app Grindr reportedly quit rather than return to working in the corporate office. The ones who did show up at the office after quitting were there for midday restroom hookups with former Grindr coworkers.

Chrystal Frost, 35, married mother of three and math teacher at an Alabama Christian school, confessed to having sex with two teen boys who were her students. The boys called her office desk the multiplication table.

The Today Show host Savannah Guthrie left the set mid-morning on Thursday so she could take her kids to class on their first day of school. They ended up late because the director didn’t go with her to show her where to walk.

Four “remarkably preserved” 1,900-year-old Roman swords were discovered in a remote cave near the Dead Sea – as were cave writings from the owner’s girlfriend who was kinda creeped out by all the swords.

The girlfriend of NFL player Brandon Aiyuk said players can be fined for having a woman in their hotel room the night before road games. She’s considering a switch to dating NBA players, who only get fines after three women are discovered in the room.

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Brett Favre is charging $5000 for a 10-minute Zoom call via celebrity messaging service Cameo – or, $4000 if you’re a massage therapist and let him show you his penis.

The Trump Administration is suing to stop sales of a tell-all book from former National Security Adviser John Bolton, saying the book contains national security secrets. Although everyone could probably guess the Oval Office bathroom code is 1234.

A court found Shake Shack is not liable for three New York cops getting sick after eating there, saying most people are sick when they find out a cheeseburger and shake costs $17.

Amidst national protests and demands for police reform, many cops across the U.S. are quitting. Dunkin’ shares dropped 30% in early trading.

Google released special Pride Month ringtones for its Pixel mobile phones. So far, the most downloaded is “HEYYYY-ayyyyy’.

Quaker Foods announced a name change for Aunt Jemima products. The syrup will be offered in larger sizes to accommodate a label reading: ‘Your Black Mom’s Sister’s High-Fructose Imitation Maple Goo’.

American moms are saying kid-friendly all-white band The Wiggles need to diversify and add one or more minority members. The band has so far refused, saying racial integration is a Hot Potato.

‘That 70s Show’ actor Danny Masterson was arrested and charged with rape. “Way to go, dumbass” said Red Forman.

Lego launched interactive Super Mario playsets. The combined cost of all of them is nearly $600, leading Mario to complain about having to collect that many coins.

After a two-year investigation, a 34-year old Idaho woman was arrested and charged with having sex with underage boys. A spokesman for the boys called it “two pretty great years.”