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After a months-long investigation, a woman and her father were arrested for dumping popcorn and the empty bucket on a 2-year-old for talking during a screening of The Last Jedi. The child allegedly suffered a contusion, the accused were charged with excessive use of Force.

Walmart is entering the meal-kit business to take on the likes of Blue Apron and Hello Fresh.  Walmart will offer three different kits – each includes a bag of Doritos, a pair of scissors and a Redbox coupon.

A Cleveland mother was arrested after her 8-year-old son shot her 4-year-old daughter. The daughter is listed in stable condition; the 8-year-old hired an NRA lawyer and is expected to invoke the Stand Your Blanket Fort defense.

President Trump’s threats to levy tariffs on imported steel and aluminum was greeted with hostility by European officials, who threatened to tax U.S. exports of bourbon, Levi’s and Harley-Davidson motorcycles. “O non!” said the leader of the world’s least scary French motorcycle gang.

Entrepreneur Kristina Roth is opening SuperShe Island, a private luxury retreat off the coast of Finland where no men are allowed. The catch is that Roth personally selects the guests via the resort’s website. Roth said the number one selection criteria is ‘having an amazing personality’, followed by ‘being a really hot, rich lesbian’.

The Shape of Water won the Oscar for Best Picture. Match.com was down temporarily due to a surge in single women searching for single men with dorsal fins.

Kobe Bryant won an Oscar for producing a short film, as white people congratulated themselves on jokes about his ‘crossover’ into filmmaking.

An e-cigarette study published in the journal Pediatrics found five cancer-causing toxins in the urine of 16-year-olds using e-cigarettes. They also found alcohol and cocaine, so they fired the 17-year-old in charge of the study.

Skiers and snowboarders at Olympic Valley ski resort in California used their hands to rescue others who were covered by snow during a freak avalanche. The rescue would have happened sooner, but there was confusion from the text messages that read “dude I’m totally buried right now.”

University of Michigan defensive tackle prospect Maurice Hurst was sent home from the NFL Combine after doctors found a heart condition. They also found dozens of players with CTE symptoms but let’s….let’s get that heart checked out.

 

 

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A Brooklyn, NY woman started a business called ‘Happy Dead Rats’ where she offers to kill 3 rats for $15 cash, or 5 rats for $25.  No word on how well the business is doing, but NYC Police arrested a rat for offering $15 to have his wife and two girlfriends killed.

Holiday sales rose 4.9% in 2017, as indicated by a surge in $26.22 gift cards instead of the usual $25.

President Trump and his family spent the Christmas holiday at Mar-A-Lago, where every Christmas – and practically every member – is a white one.

Apple stock dropped 4% on Tuesday as investment analysts feared that the excitement may be over for iPhone X, as sales slow and the phone’s Face ID captures a lot of boredom and sadness.

In a CNN interview touting her new partnership with QVC, Martha Stewart said that “work/life balance didn’t work for me”, adding that she’s now more comfortable with work/rage balance.

The NFL will not have a Sunday Night Football game on New Year’s Eve, allowing gambling addicts to get a 4-hour headstart on their sure-to-fail New Year’s Resolution.

Movie theater chains are advising patrons that a pivotal scene in ‘The Last Jedi’ where the audio goes completely silent is intentional. Most moviegoers were unfazed since they could still hear plenty of texting and women explaining the plot to their husbands.

Two 70-plus men living in Hawaii, who have been friends for over 60 years, found out that they’re actually brothers. They hugged and updated their phones with a recurring play date.

A Florida man was arrested for attacking a Wells Fargo ATM, causing $5,000 in damages, for giving him too much money. Wells Fargo explained that the ATM gave him the money he requested, plus the balances from 6 phony accounts they’d opened in his name.

Jennifer Lawrence paid a Christmas Eve visit to a children’s hospital in her hometown of Louisville, Kentucky, taking time out of her busy schedule to bitch at sick children over how her privacy is always being violated.

 

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An elderly couple with 60 lbs of marijuana told arresting officers that the weed was for Xmas gifts. “Better let Santa take care of it, then!”, said a white-bearded obese cop before the evidence vanished.

The original Papa John, John Schnatter, is out as company CEO. He’ll be replaced by the COO, who promises to do just as good a job kissing Peyton Manning’s ass.

Darryl Strawberry said that he had sex during Mets games. Usually after both he and Lenny Dykstra had struck out.

A hotel charged guests $350 after they left bad online reviews, so the Indiana state Attorney General is suing on their behalf. Motel 6, we’ll leave the grudge on for you.

Mark Hamill, displeased with his character’s storyline in The Last Jedi, said of it “He’s not my Luke Skywalker”. Replied Disney CEO Robert Iger “He sure isn’t!” before placing a Storm Trooper helmet on his naked body and rolling around in his multi-million dollar Xmas bonus.

The United Nations imposed new sanctions on North Korea for their repeated tests of nuclear missiles. The rules include cutbacks on refined oil imports and reduced imports of other goods. The U.N. rejected U.S. Ambassador Nikki Haley’s suggestion of “no Playstation for a week”, while noting her comment that it always gets her kids’ attention.

Apple admitted to slowing down the performance of older iPhones to match degradation in battery life. Apple is being sued by several groups, including a group of iPhone 5 owners who say the Pokemon just expose themselves and give them the finger, knowing they’ll never be caught.

A winter storm is expected to move eastward and snarl land and air traffic on Christmas Eve; creating a lot of anxiety in the wake of Rudolph’s suspension for inappropriate contact with Clarice.

U.S. Border Patrol agents are furious after finding out that they unwittingly provided security for the wedding of a convicted U.S. citizen drug smuggler to his Mexican bride. Agents became suspicious when she was ‘given away’ by El Chapo, and when guests showered the newlyweds in crystal meth.

Vice President Mike Pence made a surprise visit to Afghanistan. He called his wife back home, and she reportedly expressed concern that the women there were showing a lot of eyehole.