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Legendary poker professional player Doyle Brunson cashed in his chips at the age of 89.

81-year-old Martha Stewart became the oldest cover model of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Parents of teenage boys describe this year’s swimsuit issue cover as “less sticky” than past years.

A juror in the Lori Vallow Daybell trial spoke to Good Morning America after she was convicted in the murders of her children following two days of deliberations. The juror said it took two days for the verdict because they didn’t want to miss Taco Tuesday.

Dottie Fideli, 77, married herself in a “dream wedding” at her Ohio retirement community. However, the wedding night hit a snag when arthritis kept her from straightening her middle and index fingers.

The famed Jersey Shore town of Wildwood is considering banning alcohol from its beaches and iconic boardwalk, so the town can focus on building its burgeoning methamphetamine business.

Uber will now allow 13-to-18-year-olds to book their own rides on the service, following driver demands that they’d like to sexually harass younger women.

Oscar Mayer is renaming their iconic Weinermobile as the Frankmobile to emphasize their new recipe for all-beef franks, and because of the dork named Frank they hired to drive it.

Billie Eilish broke up with her boyfriend of less than a year, The Neighbourhood frontman Jesse Rutherford. Eilish told him not to stop by when he’s in The Neighbourhood.

New charges were filed against a New Jersey man who’d held a woman captive for nearly a year – including Kidnapping and Being a Terrible Listener.

JoJo Siwa’s California home was robbed overnight by two burglars. Cops are on the lookout for two armed men now wearing ridiculously large bows in their hair.

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A Philadelphia day care was robbed. Police describe the suspects as wearing “Stick ‘Em Up” Pull-Ups.

Louis C.K. won Best Comedy Album at the Grammys. Several women backstage couldn’t believe he pulled it off!

Coca-Cola is launching Coca-Cola Byte, a limited edition flavor that the company claims tastes like “pixels”. To the average consumer, ‘pixels” taste like aspartame and tooth decay.

Grammy winner Doja Cat almost missed her award presentation due to a bathroom break; fortunately attendants were able to find a litter box in time.

Google employees are angry that bidets are being removed from office toilets. A senior manager emailed “removal of bidets is my #2 issue with return to office”. A different manager replied “yeah, we know what bidets do”.

A German man received 90 COVID shots so he could sell his vaccine cards to unvaccinated residents. He was arrested, but not jailed, so he could still collect his award for CVS Pharmacy Customer Of The Month.

Martha Stewart’s four dogs killed her cat. Stewart said she will miss the cat, and regrets not having any recipes for it.

The working lyric sheet for Beatles hit ‘Maxwell’s Silver Hammer’ is being sold, at a price of $450,000. Afterward, the lyrics and masters for ‘Yellow Submarine’ will be sold for $500,000, with the requirement that the buyer burn them.

‘All My Children‘ soap opera actress Susan Lucci’s husband, Helmut, passed away at age 84. Or…did he???

Researchers discovered sound travels much slower on Mars than on Earth – leading to renewed interest in colonizing Mars from old married couples who don’t want to hear their spouse’s boring stories.

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A Houston high school issued a dress code for parents visiting the school. Parents entering the school are not allowed to wear leggings that make their buttocks visible, or “Daisy Duke” short-shorts. The rules do not apply to math teachers.

A 35-year-old woman fell into a meat grinder Tuesday morning in Lycoming County, Pennsylvania. She was pronounced dead a short time later, then was pronounced ‘sausage’.

LEGO announced that they will introduce Braille Bricks so blind children can slice open their parents’ feet.

Movie theater chains are planning to remain open around the clock to accommodate demand to see ‘Avengers: Endgame’. Parents call the move “truly affordable daycare”.

Police in suburban Philadelphia are seeking the ‘Red Bull Bandit’ – a man who carries an empty backpack into stores, fills it with Red Bull, then leaves without paying. He is described as a 20-to-30 year old white male and ‘jumpy’.

United Airlines showed off its new ‘livery’ or aircraft branding. It’s a large, blue font with UNITED spelled out across the fuselage, and the tail adorned with silhouettes of a passenger being dragged up the aisle, or a guitar being smashed by a baggage handler.

President Trump tweeted that the New York Times would need to kneel down and beg his forgiveness over their coverage of the Mueller Report.  In the event they decide to kneel and beg, the President offered free instructions from his son Eric.

McDonald’s is partnering with AARP to hire older Americans to work breakfast & lunch shifts, when younger workers aren’t as available. The AARP is partnering with the American Heart Association to keep the new workers from eating the food.

Meghan Markle announced plans to take three months’ maternity leave after the arrival of her & Prince Harry’s baby. Presumably, she needs the time to do something even less than nothing.

Patricia Hill, 69, of Pine Bluff, Arkansas, was convicted of murdering her husband, shooting him after he subscribed to a pornography channel. As she awaits sentencing, her cable provider is working with her to find a different entertainment package.

Martha Stewart addressed the Operation Varsity Blues college admission scandal, saying she feels sorry for Lori Loughlin and Felicity Huffman. Stewart, who served jail time for insider trading, did advise Loughlin & Huffman that if they go to prison, to find the biggest, toughest woman in the cell block and make them a lemon tart.

 

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A Brooklyn, NY woman started a business called ‘Happy Dead Rats’ where she offers to kill 3 rats for $15 cash, or 5 rats for $25.  No word on how well the business is doing, but NYC Police arrested a rat for offering $15 to have his wife and two girlfriends killed.

Holiday sales rose 4.9% in 2017, as indicated by a surge in $26.22 gift cards instead of the usual $25.

President Trump and his family spent the Christmas holiday at Mar-A-Lago, where every Christmas – and practically every member – is a white one.

Apple stock dropped 4% on Tuesday as investment analysts feared that the excitement may be over for iPhone X, as sales slow and the phone’s Face ID captures a lot of boredom and sadness.

In a CNN interview touting her new partnership with QVC, Martha Stewart said that “work/life balance didn’t work for me”, adding that she’s now more comfortable with work/rage balance.

The NFL will not have a Sunday Night Football game on New Year’s Eve, allowing gambling addicts to get a 4-hour headstart on their sure-to-fail New Year’s Resolution.

Movie theater chains are advising patrons that a pivotal scene in ‘The Last Jedi’ where the audio goes completely silent is intentional. Most moviegoers were unfazed since they could still hear plenty of texting and women explaining the plot to their husbands.

Two 70-plus men living in Hawaii, who have been friends for over 60 years, found out that they’re actually brothers. They hugged and updated their phones with a recurring play date.

A Florida man was arrested for attacking a Wells Fargo ATM, causing $5,000 in damages, for giving him too much money. Wells Fargo explained that the ATM gave him the money he requested, plus the balances from 6 phony accounts they’d opened in his name.

Jennifer Lawrence paid a Christmas Eve visit to a children’s hospital in her hometown of Louisville, Kentucky, taking time out of her busy schedule to bitch at sick children over how her privacy is always being violated.