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Scientists discovered a new breed of dinosaur, Akainacephalus johnsoni. The thing that distinguishes it from any other dinosaur is that it has a face full of spikes – as evidenced by a message found next to its fossilized carcass reading “cool piercings, brah”.

Former Dukes of Hazzard star Tom Wopat entered a guilty plea to charges of inappropriately touching two women from the cast of a musical in which he starred, and asking them if they wanted to see his boss hog.

Mondelez Global has recalled Ritz Cracker sandwiches and some flavors of Ritz Bits over worries that some may be tainted with salmonella. They ask you to check on any of your 90-year-old friends and relatives who still eat Ritz crackers.

An app, HomeCourt, that uses artificial intelligence to help you improve your basketball shot raised $4 million in venture capital. The first advice the app gives you is to take off the $15 Payless sneakers and brown dress socks.

Stormy Daniels’ husband Glendon Crain filed for divorce, alleging adultery – citing as evidence Daniels’ appearance in adult video Dirty Cheating MILFs, and its 12 sequels.

  • The divorce filing was confirmed by Daniels’ attorney Michael Avenatti, who said his client requests privacy as she removes her clothes and motorboats strip club patrons.

Wildfires continue in Greece, as officials there seek assistance battling the raging Greece fires, saying that waving their aprons and dishtowels at them isn’t working.

Former porn star Jenna Jameson showed off her recent 60-pound weight loss on Instagram, though some critics claim that the naked guy behind her on the scale simply took his foot off it.

A man was arrested for exercising naked at a Planet Fitness in New Hampshire, doing nude poses on a yoga mat while repeating the gym’s tagline that he was in a “judgement free zone”. Police also removed two other exercisers who were making the members uncomfortable because they were already in decent shape. [story h/t to Tara v A !]

French physicists tested bottles of California red wine from vintages 2011 and newer and found traces of radioactive material from Japan’s Fukushima nuclear reactor meltdown. In a related story, a man was named Oenophile of the Year for his review of a 2013 Cabernet Sauvignon with “bold notes of blackberry, subtle tannins, and traces of plutonium.”

The use of animal tranquilizer and party drug Ketamine is being studied for its use as an antidepressant. Numerous test subjects have reported sizable improvements in mood and reductions in thoughts of self-harm. Side effects include mild hallucinations and uncontrollable urges to chase tennis balls.

 

 

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Taylor Swift is expected to testify in a wrongful dismissal lawsuit brought by a former Denver radio DJ. The DJ claims that he was fired after being accused of grabbing Swift’s buttocks at an area appearance; he denies the claim, saying he came up empty-handed.

Actor Tom Wopat was arrested in Waltham Massachusetts after allegedly placing his finger between a woman’s buttocks during a summer stage rehearsal. Wopat, known to millions as Luke Duke from ‘The Dukes of Hazzard’, says that he was merely pushing up Daisy’s Dukes.

The U.S. Senate, prior to adjourning for August break, took steps to prevent President Trump from making recess appointments — fearing that he may remove Attorney General Jeff Sessions or Special Counsel Robert Mueller. Trump, confused over the meaning of “recess appointments” cancelled a visit from the guy who does his hair plugs.

President Trump started a 17-day vacation in New Jersey, finally giving Democrats the ammunition they need to question his mental stability.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced an aggressive crackdown on leaks of classified government information, as stated in a Washington Post interview with his cleaning lady.

An Alabama Muslim organization is demanding an investigation into a Decatur, AL McDonald’s location, which allegedly put bacon on all 14 McChicken sandwiches ordered by a Muslim family.  A man named in the complaint said he vomited twice after tasting the bacon. McDonald’s fired back, saying vomiting their food happens all the time.

Nielsen announces that it will now incorporate data from televisions in bars, gyms and airports when calculating its TV ratings. The biggest ratings gainer? Sports. The biggest loser? Everything your wife likes to watch.

TLC Network responded to a critical Tweet from Derrick Dillard, star of TLC’s Duggar family spinoff ‘Counting On’, in which he referred to transgender life as a “myth”. The Tweet indirectly referenced Jazz Jennings, transgender female star of TLC’s ‘I Am Jazz’. A TLC executive said that Dillard’s views do not represent those of TLC, adding that the network proudly exploits all of its on-air personalities equally.

A tech startup is hoping to solve the opioid crisis with a wearable device that uses electrical pulses to reduce pain. Results are mixed; with some users reporting reduced pain, while others overdose on electricity with forks and toasters.

Over 100 sexual abuse lawsuits have been brought against Roman Catholic priests on the island of Guam. Pope Francis asked what took them so long.