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Sarah Thomas will officiate the Los Angeles Chargers/New England Patriots AFC Divisional Playoff game on Sunday. She’ll be the first woman referee in an NFL game, or  just another mom spending a Sunday afternoon watching a bunch of boys pound the piss out of each other.

Donald Trump’s former lawyer, Michael Cohen, will testify publicly on February 7th before the House Oversight Committee, presumably to talk about his oversights covering up payments to porn stars and Playmates.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell refused to allow a vote on Democratic-sponsored legislation to end the partial U.S. Government shutdown, going so far as to put the legislation in the folds of his neck where it can never be found again.

President Trump claimed he never said that Mexico ‘would write a check’ to pay for the U.S./Mexico border wall.  “Of course we wouldn’t” said the President of Mexico “..who the f*** still writes checks?”

Tim Tebow is officially engaged to former Miss Universe Demi-Leigh Nel-Peters.  Tebow is planning a return to baseball before he gets married and hopefully makes it to third base.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, only Utah’s and South Dakota’s birth rates were high enough to sustain the current levels of U.S. population.  Census workers thanked the citizens of Utah and South Dakota for being Mormons and not knowing how birth control works, respectively.

The school board in Tamaqua, Pennsylvania postponed a final vote regarding a policy allowing teachers to carry firearms in class. Partly because they’re not sure it’s a good idea, and partly because the teachers keep failing the background checks.

The National Enquirer published text messages purportedly sent by Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos to his girlfriend Lauren Sanchez, including “I want to smell you..I want to breathe you in..hold you tight…” and “Good news! My penis is scheduled for delivery tomorrow!”

At a small airport near Tampa, Florida, an unidentified person was decapitated by a helicopter’s propeller Thursday afternoon.  Investigators plan to identify the victim, just as soon as their head finally lands on the ground sometime over the weekend.

A new analysis in the journal Science states the world’s oceans are heating up 40% faster than a similar study estimated just five years ago – due to more parents teaching small children how to swim in the ocean.

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Retailers are battling slumping sales by offering their own subscription services. Gap, Old Navy and even Fruit of the Loom will send you clothes for a fixed monthly fee – though single male Fruit of the Loom subscribers are confused as to why they’d need new underwear more than once every couple of years.

Khloe Kardashian confirmed that she’s pregnant. She’s already fired two ultrasound technicians who didn’t know how to Snapchat sonograms.

  • Next week on ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians’, Khloe’s fetus fights with Kourtney over where to spend Christmas vacation.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, Idaho passed Illinois as the 5th most-populous state, thanks to Idaho’s booming tech scene and Chicago’s booming murder scene.

Apple confirms that a software feature released last year slows older iPhones to offset issues with the phones’ aging batteries. In a statement Apple said their goal is to deliver the best experience for owners of iPhones – purchased within the last month.

Chipotle shares dropped 5% following reports of sick customers and employees at an L.A. location. Coincidentally, those persons’ weight dropped 5%.

Facebook announced that it’s changing the way it identifies ‘Fake News’ in users’ feeds. They are replacing the ‘Disputed Flag’ with a Breitbart byline.

The House of Representatives introduced a measure to continue to fund the Children’s Health Insurance Program through March – it’s a GoFundMe where donors give a nickel for every 30-lb seated bicep curl Paul Ryan does.

Defense Secretary James ‘Mad Dog’ Mattis visited Guantanamo Bay to deliver a message of Holiday good cheer to the troops, and a continuous loop of Paul McCartney’s ‘Wonderful Christmastime’ to the prisoners.

Senator Al Franken delivered his final speech to the U.S. Senate, and afterward hugged male colleagues and waved to females.

The AARP issued a list of reasons it opposes the new tax reform law, as younger Americans pretended to listen to them and care what they have to say.