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Lucky’s, an organic grocery store in the midwestern U.S., announced that it’s closing most of its stores. Since it’s organic, their inventory will liquidate itself in a day or two.

Disney CEO Bob Iger apologized and pledged a donation after a licensing arm charged a PTA meeting $250 for showing a DVD of The Lion King at a ‘Parents Night Out’ fundraiser. To avoid Disney conflicts, the PTA announced next month’s DVD will be Naughty Night-Call Nurses 13.

Aurora Cannabis, a Canadian company with aggressive plans for global expansion, announced 500 layoffs. A spokesperson for the workers said “..wait…what?…”

A UCLA analysis concluded that coffee had a “strong and consistent protective association” with prevention of colorectal and uterine cancers; adding the protective effects are achieved by drinking it, not by pouring it in, or near, those organs.

Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards annouced that he quit cigarette smoking in October, and that he now looks and feels like a 98-year-old.

A study of hospital emergency room visits in 2018 claims 3,800 people sought medical help for pizza-related injuries. They include finger lacerations with pizza cutters, mouth burns, and DDUI – the second D is for Domino’s .

Pregnant WWE wrestlers Nikki and Brie Bella revealed they both conceived their babies in the same place, and – after a lengthy explanatory discussion from their ob/gyn – in pretty much the same way.

Norwegian Cruise Lines is refusing to refund the $32,000 paid by a family who cancelled a cruise to Asia over coronavirus concerns. Norwegian offered the family credit to use on a different cruise where they can contract norovirus and the flu instead.

Finley, a golden retriever in Canandaigua, New York is able to fit six tennis balls in his mouth without any human assistance. The dog’s owners are being bombarded with inquiries about talk show appearances and to see if he has a Grindr profile yet.

Antarctica temperatures hit a record 65 degrees. It’s so warm, penguins are giving seals buzz-cuts.

 

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Shaquille O’Neal’s son, Shareef, was diagnosed with a congenital heart condition and will sit out a year of college basketball at UCLA. Asked how he’ll fill the free time, his faculty advisors told him to pursue “anything but acting.”

A woman found a 2.63 carat diamond at a state park in Arkansas, and is now engaged to the squirrel who gave it to her.

Disney World announced a new ticket pricing policy, drawing anger and confusion from the park’s most excited visitors – who are literally shitting themselves trying to figure it out.

A tractor-trailer carrying 80 cows flipped over and blocked all lanes of Interstate 285 near Atlanta. The accident resulted in cows roaming the highway, leading to multiple other accidents and several bovine carjackings.

Google is updating Google Maps to allow control of music from within the app. So now you can listen to your favorite song while risking your life ‘making a legal u-turn’.

According to medical journal JAMA, women who increase water intake by 1.5 liters/day for a full year are 50% less likely to get urinary tract infections. They’re also 100% more likely to have stronger buttocks and quadriceps from hovering above the public toilet seats they’ll need to use.

North Carolina’s governor has ordered $4 million to help control the growing numbers of large mosquitoes breeding in floodwaters after Hurricane Florence. In a related story, a North Carolina beach town broke the Guinness World Record for Largest Citronella Candle.

The U.S., Canada & Mexico have all accepted the successor to NAFTA, which will be called USMCA (U.S., Mexico, Canada Agreement) — disappointing everyone who wanted to call it Afta’NAFTA.

Cardi B. surrendered to New York City police for her alleged role ordering an assault on two female bartenders, one of whom she accused of having sex with her husband, Offset — or, as he’s known to women he cheats with, Inset.

Fifty million Facebook accounts were allegedly hacked. Facebook said that they’ve patched the vulnerability, and reassured affected users that the hackers couldn’t possibly be doing anything worse with personal data than what Facebook is doing already.

 

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An expert in the field of concussions called the NFL Concussion Protocol “a fraud” after Indianapolis Colts QB Jacoby Brissett was allowed to remain in the game after a vicious helmet-to-helmet hit. Brissett was examined in a private sideline tent by an NFL doctor, who asked him to cough.

Children waiting to see Santa at Minnesota’s Mall Of America witnessed several stabbing victims in what officials called a botched robbery at a nearby Macy’s. When they made it to Santa’s lap, those children vowed to be really, really nice.

Bill Gates pledged $100 Million to find a cure for Alzheimer’s Disease. Most of the money will go to research, with the rest used to buy thousands of lucky seniors a new brain.

Russian base jumper Valery Rozov died during an attempted 22,000 foot jump in the Himalayas, part of his heretofore successful quest to jump off the highest mountain on each continent. Rozov was mourned in a statement by his sponsor, Red Bull, who said they wished the drink had given him better wings.

President Trump asked his Chinese counterpart, Li Xinping, to help quickly resolve the case of 3 visiting UCLA basketball players caught shoplifting sunglasses during their team visit to China. President Li said he would personally oversee the players’ hands being chopped off.

The National Weather Service launched Joint Polar Satellite System 1, a new weather satellite promising a “quantum leap” forward in forecasting technology. The weather service said the satellite will improve accuracy and advance notice for severe weather events, but stopped short of saying it will minimize ground-level reliance on large-breasted women in tight skirts.

Toy maker Mattel announced the first Barbie doll to be clad in a hijab. The doll, part of the Barbie ‘Shero’ series of women heroes, is modeled after Olympic fencer Ibtihaj Muhammad. Other Barbies will be updated with side-eye as they watch the Hijab Barbie on the shelf next to them.

Revised heart health guidelines from cardiac research groups mean an additional 30 Million Americans will be classified as having “high blood pressure”. This, after the same 30 Million Americans’ blood pressure spiked a day after casting votes for Hillary Clinton.

Kansas City police stopped questioning a suspect detained for drug & gun charges when the suspect’s flatulence drove the detective from the room. Sean Sykes was eventually charged with three firearms violations and cocaine possession, but has yet to enter a plea since all of his court-appointed attorneys quit. (h/t to John Levytsky!)

Weight Watchers introduced Cense – a new brand of diet wine – and a new variation of its in-person meetings called Weight Watchers Anonymous.

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Former NFL QB Boomer Esiason said in an interview that he “most likely” has CTE. Esiason was responding to a reporter asking who provided his cell phone service.

The Washington Post reported the U.S. Intelligence Community’s conclusion that North Korea already has a nuclear warhead that can be fitted to its missiles. President Trump issued his most stern warning yet to North Korea in the form of the rare Double Dog Dare.

  • Trump warned that any aggression by North Korea would be met with “fire & fury”, before announcing the grand opening of a new barbecue restaurant in Trump Tower, ‘Fire & Fury’.

The U.S. Center for Disease Control said that reported cases of parasitic cyclospora are up 134% over this time in 2016. A spokesman for Six Flags Water Parks said that yes, it’s been a busy summer so far.

Cheetos is opening The Spotted Cheetah restaurant in NYC, providing ‘Cheetos-themed’ recipes. Though the restaurant will only be open three days, they expect to serve hundreds of couples their last meal before the guys get dumped by their girlfriends.

McDonald’s announced their plans to double the number of locations in China, helping the Chinese close the gap on the rest of the world when it comes to obesity rates.

The trial between Taylor Swift and a Denver DJ accused of grabbing her buttocks is underway; the judge told the jurors to respect the court and one another, noting that when it’s done, they are never, ever, ever getting back together.

UCLA QB Josh Rosen told Bleacher Report that football and school “don’t go together”. Asked to comment, UCLA Head Football Coach Jim Mora said “duh.”