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Cherry Hill East High School apologized for its “insensitive” prom tickets which read “party like it’s 1776”, since the event happens at the National Constitution Center in Philadelphia. African American students found the phrase offensive; prom organizers claim they weren’t thinking of slavery, just about how many 17-year-olds got pregnant in 1776.

A Lyft driver kicked a gay male couple out of his vehicle after they kissed each other. The driver explained  he needed the space for a hotter gay female couple that wanted to kiss.

Government statistics released this week show declining birth rates in every age group of U.S. women except one: women in their 40s. Experts attribute the rise in 40+ women having babies to improved fertility treatments, lower standards, and cheaper alcohol.

A mountain lion fatally attacked a bicyclist on a remote trail in North Bend, Washington. Police shot and killed the lion as it fled on the bicycle.

A double amputee with no legs reached the summit of Mount Everest. Asked by his sherpa if his feet were cold, he replied “probably”.

Some residents of Hawaii’s Big Island had to be airlifted as lava from the Kilauea volcano advanced at rates of 300 to 400 yards per hour. So far the lava flows have destroyed 26 homes and interrupted countless pizza deliveries.

Singing star Grimes, currently dating Tesla founder and billionaire Elon Musk, is changing her first name to ‘c’, the symbol for the speed of light — and, as in, “let’s c how much money this guy will spend on me.”

Jonathan Oddi, the man arrested for entering Trump Doral Golf Club, shooting at a chandelier and exchanging gunfire with officers, was a bodybuilder and porn performer. He’s believed to be the first porn actor not welcome at a Trump Property.

A woman who left behind a cooler containing 100 ounces of her breast milk on a United flight from Florida to New Jersey was thrilled to hear that it was recovered by a flight attendant who delivered it to her house. “Here’s your 40 ounces of breast milk” he said, adding “a lot of people bought white russians on the flight after yours.”

A new World Health Organization report claims that exercising in polluted areas could be bad for your health – the report followed swimmers and aquacizers who worked out daily in the YMCA pool after kids pissed in it.

A deaf couple traveling on Delta Airlines with a Great Dane service dog got in a shoving match with a couple who complained the dog was too big, and who allegedly punched it. The couple tried telling their dog to heel, but it didn’t understand sign language.

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Former head of Wikileaks Julian Assange, currently holed up in the Ecuadoran Embassy in London, said that his Internet connection had been cut off. Ecuador’s Ambassador is expected to unplug his modem, wait a minute, then plug it back in to see what happens.

Bridgestone introduced their new Tiger Woods golf ball. They’re the exact same balls that Tiger uses, minus the herpes.

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un secretly visited China to meet with President Li Xinping, because the last three guys who tried to deliver his Chinese takeout to Pyongyang were shot at the border.

Former Disney Channel star Caroline Sunshine has joined the White House press team. She is expected to give White House pool reporters something else to look at while Sarah Huckabee Sanders is talking.

President Trump nominated White House physician Ronny Jackson to head the Veterans Administration, replacing David Shulkin. A press conference has been called to introduce Jackson, where he is expected to greet reporters, then resign.

Today show host Savannah Guthrie apologized for cursing live on-air. She didn’t realize her mic was live when she said “oh sh*t.” Later on Twitter she wrote “..So sorry guys, Thanks for being kind and understanding. You f*ckers are the best.”

A security gap in gay dating app Grindr is giving its users’ location to more prospective dates than they requested. It’s the first time a dating app plans to charge extra for a security flaw.

Frank S. Page, a Southern Baptist minister and CEO of the Southern Baptist Convention’s Executive Committee, resigned from his post after admitting to a “morally inappropriate” relationship. He declined to mention what the relationship entailed, but his pet goat was not made available for comment.

A new study concludes that single people who had bariatric weight loss surgery found increased rates of marriage and new relationships. However, for married people, extreme weight loss surgery coincided with increased rates of divorce and lost custody of the good snacks.

According to guidelines from the World Health Organization, the average U.S. child’s Easter Basket contains over a month’s worth of sugar, and a year’s worth of middle-aged adult depression from sugar crashes.

A restaurant in Vancouver fired a waiter for being rude to customers. The waiter, Guillaume Rey, filed a discrimination lawsuit, claiming that he’s not rude, he’s just French. A judge ordered Rey to appear in court, and Rey made fun of his order.

 

 

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Royal Caribbean cruise lines is raising its daily gratuity fee to $14.50 per passenger, per day, the third straight year it’s hiked the fee. Royal Caribbean cites increased costs of personnel and cat litter to throw on piles of puke.

Kia and Hyundai are adding Alexa-like assistant functionality to their cars starting in 2019. The automakers are taking two years to research Korean names that Americans won’t butcher each time they try saying them.

Elon Musk said that Tesla is working on an electric pickup truck. The news was confirmed after an image leaked of a decal on the Tesla truck prototype showing Calvin pissing on a gas pump.

The U.S. State Department is updating its travel warnings to a four-color-coded system for citizens planning travel to foreign countries. The safest countries will be blue, followed by yellow, orange, and Red for countries like North Korea or, if you’re the President, Puerto Rico.

According to data from Flurry Analytics, Apple devices accounted for 44% of new global tablet and smartphone activations over the holiday, and 95% of the new cracked screens.

Daryl Tait, a wheelchair-bound resident of Canada’s Yukon Territory, is behind a movement to add ocean surfing to the Summer Paralympic games. “Great idea” said sharks.

The World Health Organization is considering classifying video “gaming disorder” as a disease. A draft from the WHO characterizes it as “recurrent” gaming behavior with “impaired control over gaming”.  The disorder could include behavioral abnormalities as well as loss of multiple lives.

Recent east coast storms have covered Erie, Pennsylvania in 64 inches of snow – the height of an average adult female, and ten times as frigid.

International Falls, Minnesota set a new record of -36 degrees Fahrenheit on Wednesday morning. Local officials advised residents to stay indoors, to halve their odds of freezing to death.

  • The old record was -32 degrees set in 1924, which started a local tradition in International Falls, Minnesota – that being, getting the hell out of International Falls, Minnesota.

Sisters Ivanka and Tiffany Trump posed together in bikinis in a short Christmas video posted to Tiffany’s social media accounts. “Wow. Hot! Hope you share MORE (winking emoji)” posted anonymous commenter “realdjt45”.

 

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A fugitive from a South Carolina prison used wire cutters dropped from a drone as part of his escape plan. He was captured in Texas, but prison officials are now banning inmates from joining Amazon Prime.

The World Health Organization issued a warning regarding a new antibiotic-resistant strain of Gonorrhea, dealing yet another blow to the already-reeling tourism business of Atlantic City, NJ.

Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump met at the G20 Summit in Hamburg. The meeting was scheduled for 45 minutes but lasted over two hours — the extra time was used for Putin to edit and approve Trump’s tweets.

  •  At one point, Melania Trump entered the meeting in an attempt to end it. The President told her she’d just have to go see the Spider Man movie without him.

Vice President Mike Pence was photographed touching equipment at the NASA Kennedy Space Center clearly marked with at DO NOT TOUCH sign. He was embarrassed, and also worried that he may have been touching a female rocket.

A Kenyan marathoner attending college in Maine said that he had to escape two black bears he encountered during a training run. The bears pursued him, but eventually gave up after getting shin splints.

Activists are planning sit-ins to protest the GOP Health Care Bill, which they feel will prevent them from two-hour sit-ins in the waiting room of their doctor.

Workers at Thomas Jefferson’s Monticello believe they’re unearthed slave living quarters once occupied by Sally Hemmings. They found walls, a fireplace, and notes on the bed signed by Tommy Baby.

Sears & KMart announced they’re closing over 40 more stores, part of their “Going Out Of Business Any Day Now” Sale.