Tuesday Jokes: July 31

In Arkansas, 69-year-old Patricia Hill allegedly shot and killed her 65-year-old husband, Frank, for purchasing an on-demand porno movie. She was angry her husband had somehow never heard of free Internet porn.

Starting Thursday, McDonald’s will issue five different MacCoins — one for each decade — to commemorate the 50th Anniversary of the Big Mac.  Each coin will be good for a free Big Mac. Customers are encouraged to collect all five and redeem them for a heart attack.

E! Network aired its latest episode of Total Bellas, where Nikki Bella and John Cena made the decision to call off their wedding. The scene features Nikki, John, and a pastor who slaps the altar three times to signal it’s over.

Followers of supermodel/mom Chrissy Teigen supported her as she posted an Instagram vacation photo, reclining nude on a chaise, covered by a towel while breastfeeding her newborn son. Her open breastfeeding is also supported by men on the Disney Cruise where she shot the pic.

Former porn star Mia Khalifa will undergo surgery to repair a ‘slightly deflated’ left breast implant, suffered when she was struck by a puck watching a Washington Capitals Stanley Cup playoff game two months ago. Khalifa decided on surgery after the team took dozens of shots at her right breast, but failed to even them out.

Atlanta Braves pitcher Sean Newcomb apologized for offensive tweets from his high-school days that included racial and homophobic slurs. Given the number of baseball players apologizing for their racist tweets, Topps announced that they’re just going to put them on players’ baseball cards to make them easier to find.

Rudy Giuliani, attorney for Donald Trump, said he didn’t know if collusion with Russians to use hacked information was illegal — adding that the hacking was illegal, but perhaps not using the stolen information. Next up, Giuliani will defend a group of men spending money they got from a bank robbery, saying he doesn’t know if knowingly spending stolen money is even illegal.

The National Football League has reportedly ordered Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones to stop talking about player protests of the National Anthem. An NFL spokesman said it’s only fair to follow-up censorship of players with censorship of owners.

CBS Corporation is rumored to be investigating claims presented by Ronan Farrow in a New Yorker expose that CEO Les Moonves sexually harassed six women. CBS is assembling a committee to decide if the claims are valid, and if they’ll run future operations with more discipline and less Moonves.

MIT scientists are working with residents of Nantucket Island, Massachusetts, to curb rampant lyme disease by genetically engineering indigenous white-footed mice so they’re immune to lyme disease and can’t spread it from tick bites. The effort is slowed by wealthy residents’ not wanting to pay for it, since the mice don’t have health insurance.

Shares of Twitter stock fell 15% as the company announced it was purging fake accounts — and breaking the heart of your Mom, who thought she had five admirers following her from Kazakhstan.

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