Actor Clarence Gilyard, Jr. – who portrayed computer whiz Theo in Die Hard – passed away at age 66. He’s believed to have been the last surviving member of Hans Gruber’s crew, with the possible exception of that one guy who looked like Huey Lewis.

The United States plans to provide assistance as Russia continues to knock out power stations supplying heat to Ukrainian cities. President Biden has authorized sending a 10-ton shipment from the U.S.’ strategic reserve of Snuggies.

Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes and wife Brittany welcomed their second child, a boy, after he completed a successful down-and-out route.

Stowaways clung to the rudder of a tanker ship which sailed for 11 days from Nigeria to the Canary Islands. The three men decided to board the rudder, figuring they were less likely to get sick than by using the free Carnival cruise certificates they had.

An Arizona school teacher was banned from OnlyFans after filming sex in a classroom, which violated their policy against sharing sex acts filmed in a public place. “Uh oh” said a nude OnlyFans model bouncing at a SkyZone indoor trampoline park.

Former The View co-host Meghan McCain said the behavior of defeated Arizona gubernatorial candidate Kari Lake – who’s made baseless fraud claims – has been “so gross”. McCain made the comments on her new podcast ‘The Pot Talks About Kettles’.

A Minnesota woman was exposed to toxic levels of mercury from repeated use of beauty creams. You can measure her hot flashes by how high the redness gets on her forehead.

Philadelphia Police caught three men who’d stolen $40,000 worth of goods from a Verizon store in New Jersey. Meanwhile, several other men who’d robbed a Boost Mobile store looked at their loot and decided they need to rob a store with stuff people actually want.

A Florida woman is suing Kraft Heinz Foods Company for $5 million, claiming the 3-minute cooking time for Velveeta Mac & Cheese is misleading. She’s asking for a lot of money and a speedy trial, because she only has several months to live after eating so much Velveeta Mac & Cheese.

A Marine Corps veteran at a Los Angeles Lakers game was awarded Fan Of The Game when she chugged beer out of her prosthetic leg. She was given a $100 gift card, which she used to buy two more beers. She now has $30 left on the card.

Coolio died unexpectedly at age 59, allegedly from a heart attack in the bathroom. This marks the first time anyone ever compared Coolio to Elvis Presley.

Hurricane Ian delivered devastating winds and storm surge, crippling entire cities on the Gulf Coast. This surprised many, since a Florida Man typically only injures himself and maybe a couple of others.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers may move their Sunday home game against Kansas City due to hurricane damage. Tom Brady refused to criticize Hurricane Ian, since he’s always been a big fan of low-pressure systems.

Jeff Bezos’ ex-wife, Mackenzie Scott, filed for divorce from her second husband, Dan Jewett, after less than two years of marriage, citing not enough Prime Days.

Netflix removed the LGBTQ content tag from docudrama ‘Dahmer: Monster – The Jeffrey Dahmer Story’ following complaints from the community – specifically, the homophobic cannibal community.

Maryna Moroz is the first woman UFC fighter to be featured as a Playboy Centerfold – inducing men looking at her pictures into chokeholds.

Queen Elizabeth II’s death certificate was released to the public, with her cause of death officially listed as ‘Old Age’. Although the coroner took the unusual step of adding ‘but all those dry-ass scones didn’t help’.

Khloe Kardashian stated after an MRI scan that she suffered ‘brain trauma’ from Tristan Thompson’s cheating. Other doctors disagreed with the cause, saying it was headboard-impact trauma from Thompson and several other NBA players.

An unruly fan was removed from a Washington Nationals baseball game after fighting three ushers. His ejection resulted in a box score adjustment to change the official attendance from 83 to 82.

A New York City resident asked on Reddit how to get rid of the smell of a rotting corpse from an adjacent apartment that was impacting his. Suggestions including baking soda, cooking dry coffee grounds, and buying his neighbor a bigger freezer for Christmas.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers defeated the Kansas City Chiefs in Super Bowl LV. Bucs Head Coach Bruce Arians awaited a call from President Joe Biden, then was told the game ended three hours past his bedtime.

Biden spent the weekend in Delaware in the middle of winter, leading to renewed concerns over his diminished mental capacity.

The Buccaneers offensive and defensive coordinators – Byron Leftwich and Todd Bowles – are both black. The Super Bowl win is expected to raise their profiles as candidates for NFL head coaching jobs they won’t get.

A 26-year-old Michigan man died from shrapnel injuries when a cannon fired at a baby shower exploded. Fortunately, the baby landed safely in a net across the yard.

An Idaho woman won $300,000 and $200,000 scratch-off lottery prizes on consecutive days. She said she’s planning a trip to Las Vegas, so the odds can catch up with her there.

NYC domestic violence police officer Valerie Cincinelli was charged with hiring a hit man to kill her ex-husband, and paying him with gold coins. Her life story will be made into the upcoming film ‘John Wick 4: Special Victims Unit’. [story h/t Jim H. ! ]

Country singer Morgan Wallen’s music sales have soared after he was caught on video using the N-word. In response, Toby Keith released video of himself using the same word casually for the last twenty years.

The United Arab Emirates spacecraft Hope is expected to reach Mars orbit after a 300-million mile journey. Hope will analyze Mars surface, then leave as soon as it figures out there’s no oil there.

Tessica Brown created a viral Tik Tok video saying she’d used Gorilla Glue spray adhesive on her hair, and that it’s been stuck there for a month, causing headaches. Gorilla Glue then issued a warning to women, and a coupon to male toupee wearers.

New York City middle schools will reopen to students for the first time in months. Area boxing gyms are offering crash courses to help schoolyard bullies quickly get back in to shape.

CBS cancelled ‘God Friended Me’ after two seasons. Its rumored replacement is ‘God Wants NCIS: Miami’.

Bill Peters, former coach of the NHL Calgary Flames who was fired for using slurs, was hired by Russia’s KHL. “Alright, let’s get skating (Russian word for fa**ots)!!”, said Peters.

Best Buy furloughed 51,000 employees in what will forever be known as ‘The Geek Squad Massacre’.

The Cleveland Browns unveiled new uniforms. They’re the Kansas City Chiefs uniforms and are hoping no one notices when they show up to grab the rings.

Returning Peace Corps volunteers will be eligible for expanded COVID-19 unemployment benefits, but many are more interested in how many of those malaria vaccines are still left.

Deceased Americans are receiving stimulus checks, report their now-less-sad relatives. 

March, 2020 was reportedly the first March without a school shooting since 2002 – unless, of course, you count all of the homeschool shootings. 

Burger King and KFC are planning limited reopenings in the U.K., for Brits nostalgic to get sick the way they used to before COVID-19.

Walt Disney World released its first-quarter injury report. It included older park visitors fracturing their legs, riders with chest pains, and a large, half-naked duck with severe sunburn. 

The Los Angeles Rams’ Brian Allen became the first known NFL player to test positive for COVID-19. He’s sitting alone in the blue sideline tent waiting for someone to tell him what to do. 

 

China is accusing the United States of spreading fear about the Wuhan coronavirus. Meanwhile, North Korea’s Kim Jong Un announced he cured it.

A newly discovered cannabis compound has been shown to be 30 times more potent than THC, the psychoactive agent in marijuana. It was discovered when a lab technician smoked Snoop Dogg’s hair.

A new video showed that Beyonce and Jay-Z sat through Demi Lovato’s performance of the National Anthem at the Super Bowl. The couple said that’s because somebody usually does a rendition just for them in their luxury box.

The Kansas City Chiefs defeated the San Francisco 49ers to win the Super Bowl. Chiefs coach Andy Reid addressed the media, saying “I’ve gotta do a better job…that one’s on me and my staff” before being reminded that he won.

Google Photos is testing an $8/month subscription service where they send you prints of randomly selected photos. You also have the option of selecting categories like “pets”, “landscapes”, or “the neighbor’s bedroom window”.

Stephen King announced he’s leaving Facebook. It only took him 450 pages.

Six passengers were shot early Monday morning on a Greyhound bus headed from Los Angeles to San Francisco, effectively ending the sing-a-long.

Bernie Sanders said, if elected, he’ll legalize marijuana in all 50 states on Day 1 of his presidency, to the delight of people too baked to bother voting.

Website TheDailyMeal rated Duff’s of Buffalo the best chicken wings in the United States. A spokesperson for Buffalo Wild Wings responded to the article, saying “we’re sorry your tester got so sick.”

Drug kingpin El Chapo’s daughter, Alejandrina, married Edgar Cazares in Mexico. The bride wore a white lace dress, a tiara, and a four-kilo dowry in her bra.

 

President Trump toughened rules for immigrants seeking asylum in the United States, including adding an application fee. Critics are angry because immigrants typically don’t have the money to pay, and because the fees go to Barron Trump’s Venmo account.

NASA is conducting a trial exercise where a giant asteroid strikes Earth, wiping out an entire city. So far none of the nerdy male NASA engineers has been able to convince a hot woman scientist to have sex with them because Houston will be wiped out, anyway.

Erin Heatherton, 30, a former Victoria’s Secret model, declared bankruptcy, citing just over $6,000 in assets and well over $500,000 in debt.  She’s seeking a court-appointed assistant to sort through Sugar Daddy applications from various creeps.

Three-time Pro Bowl RB Jamaal Charles will officially retire as a member of the Kansas City Chiefs, despite never following in the team’s recent tradition of committing some sort of shockingly violent crime.

Tesla is cutting the price of its home solar energy panels to spur adoption, as cities prepare for a wave of environmentally-conscious do-it-yourselfers falling off of roofs.

United Kingdom bookmakers Ladbrokes say the odds-on favorites for the name of Meghan Markle & Prince Harry’s baby are ‘Grace’ and ‘Diana’, while the longest odds are being offered for ‘Dakota’ and ‘Melania’.

Starting in 2020, residents of England must opt out to keep organs from being harvested for transplant after death. Although some proposals seek to exclude certain body parts from automatic donation, including genitals, unless of course it’s a guy’s, huge, and would really make the recipient’s day.

The Indian Army claims to have seen the footprint of a Yeti near the base camp of Makalu, near the border of Nepal and Tibet. The footprint measures 32 inches long, 15 inches wide, and apparently was able to find Crocs in its size.

Kohl’s CEO Michelle Gass said the company has “not done our job” connecting with millennials, saying they’re still struggling to find the right segment of millennials that want to dress like 45-year-old moms.

Mark Zuckerberg said he invented a “sleep box” to help his wife, Priscilla, get enough sleep while the couple raise two young children.  The box is large enough to hold the children and both of their nannies.

 

Two elementary school boys in Utah found a handgun in a snowbank, possibly discarded after a nearby domestic dispute. The boys had no problem holding everyone’s attention in Show & Tell, and easily found dates to the big school dance that weekend.

The average federal tax refund is down 8% so far this year, leading to an increase in sales of cheaper liquor.

Denver’s public school teachers went on strike Monday, saying their salaries are too low to keep up with both the city’s high cost of living, and legal-weed Colorado’s cost of living high.

The Cleveland Browns signed running back Kareem Hunt, who had been waived by the Kansas City Chiefs for physically abusing a woman. The Browns are kicking the tires, and hope tires are all Hunt kicks.

Cardi B mistakenly thanked Tom Petty for sending her congratulatory flowers after the Grammy Awards. Petty, who died in 2017, did not send them, but worked as hard as he could pushing them up.

Marlboro cigarette owner Altria invested $1.8 billion in cannabis company Cronos. They’re now busy casting the new Marlboro Man from a pool of white male douchebags with dreadlocks riding an electric scooter.

UCLA Medical Center developed an interactive pacifier to improve breathing for premature infants; it triggers a lullaby sung by a parent when they suck on it. It works well for the majority of babies, but some are spitting it out because their moms are lousy singers.

According to a new study, eating ultra-processed foods like sugary cereal shortens your life.  “Give me Fruity Pebbles AND give me death!” said a defiant child.

A powerful storm battered Hawai’i with 191mph winds and 60 foot waves. “Surfs up!” said people with flooded basements.

Former Trump attorney Michael Cohen postponed his scheduled Congressional testimony a third time – citing ‘post surgery medical needs.’ It’s unclear who ordered the surgery to remove Cohen’s tongue.

Chris Christie denied any ongoing rift with President Trump, saying Trump has offered him jobs including Secretary of Labor, Director of Homeland Security, Special Assistant & two ambassadorships…but that those aren’t jobs that he wanted. Trump has yet to offer him White House fry cook.

A gadget called LoveSync is seeking funding via Kickstarter. The LoveSync has two buttons, one for each partner to press, indicating their interest in sex. If both buttons are pressed, they can decide to have sex. No price has been set, but it’s light & compact enough to throw out the window.

Apple will switch all iPhone displays to OLED starting in 2020, saying their customers demand the highest-resolution screen that breaks when it falls on the sidewalk.

Fox News anchor Bret Baier returned to work after crashing his rental car on a family ski trip to Montana. Baier thanked motorists and first responders for helping him and his family, then issued a blistering five-minute editorial blaming the icy, liberal highway.

Uber is rolling out Uber Rewards, its new loyalty program. The tiered system awards 1 point per dollar spent on Uber Pool or Eats, 2 points on UberX, 3 points on UberBlack, and 100 points for settling a sexual harassment lawsuit against a driver.

McDonald’s is offering ‘Bacon Hour’ from 4 to 5 p.m. on January 29th. Customers can get a free side of applewood smoked bacon with any purchase; McDonald’s said this is part of ongoing efforts to offer customers healthier options than their traditional menu.

Following their overtime loss in the AFC Championship Game, the Kansas City Chiefs fired their defensive coordinator Bob Sutton. Several Chiefs defensive players went to hug Sutton on his way out and missed.

Netflix joined the Motion Picture Association of America. Because the impact of those top-quality Adam Sandler movies on there just can’t be ignored any longer.

Cars.com named the Mazda MX-5 Miata winner of their “Most Fun Car to Drive” award. It’s the second of two awards for the two-seater convertible, the other being the “Car Most Guys Wouldn’t Be Caught Dead In” award.

President Trump will not be allowed to give his State of the Union address in the House of Representatives, due to a refusal from Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. Trump is evaluating other locations, and is in talks with the Speaker of the House of Pancakes.

  • Trump is reportedly preparing different versions of his speech depending on where it’s given. If it’s in Washington, it starts “My fellow Americans and members of Congress.” If it’s at a campaign rally, it starts “Greetings, suckers.”

Microsoft reports that Bing is down in China. Several Microsoft employees were dispatched to help Bing back to her feet.

Hyundai is making a new airbag system, to protect passengers when a vehicle is hit several times in a single accident. Hyundai will field test cars that get hit multiple times, so they recruited 100 eighty-year-old drivers, and expect the results in a couple of hours.

Matthew Caskey, a UPS driver in Louisville, Kentucky, was charged with DUI and reckless driving after a middle school employee reported him to police. Caskey told cops he’d drank a half-pint of whiskey; in doing so, he answered the question “What can brown liquor do for you?”

The NFL game between the Los Angeles Rams and Kansas City Chiefs has been moved to Los Angeles from its original location at Estadio Azteca in Mexico City. League officials said the turf field was unfit based on overuse, muddy conditions, and unevenness from all of El Chapo’s drug tunnels beneath it.

Facebook said that ‘free speech and privacy’ will inform any return of the platform to China. “Aren’t you forgetting something?” asked a Chinese official awaiting his sack of money.

Fox News is supporting CNN in its lawsuit against the White House to reinstate press access for CNN’s Jim Acosta. Fox News expressed concern that, if reporters are denied White House access, they may never see what Christmas decorations Melania picks.

In Santa Ana, California, a woman entered a McDonald’s via an employee-only back door, and choked a worker in a fight after asking for ketchup. It’s unclear if the woman was upset over not getting ketchup, or getting regular instead of Fancy Ketchup.

In rural Kentucky, a dead-heat city council election was to be decided by a coin toss — just as soon as they could find some MILLIONAIRE in rural Kentucky who has coin-flippin’ money just lyin’ around.

Oprah Winfrey released her annual “Oprah’s Favorite Things” list. You can find everything on it yourself, except for Black Governors of Southern U.S. States.

State officials are concerned that California energy utility PG&E may be at fault for one or more of the devastating wildfires in the state. Evidence is mounting, including the company’s decision to change its name to Pacific Gas Electric & Fire.

President Trump claimed in an interview with The Daily Caller that Florida Democrats were voting, then putting on disguises and voting again. Without citing evidence, he added that polling places were handing out I Voted stickers and funny nose glasses.

Former Dallas Cowboys linebacker Jeff Rohrer has come out as gay. He waited over 25 years to announce it publicly, but said his original plan was to come out once he knew he didn’t have any more road games in Philadelphia.