Wednesday Jokes: May 22nd

The U.S. Postal Service began a two-week trial transporting mail across the Southwest via self-driving trucks, to see if the trucks improve delivery times and costs. They failed to mention accuracy, as the truck arrived in New Mexico instead of Nevada, as planned.

Howard Stern said if he’d interviewed Hillary Clinton in 2016, she may have won the Presidential Election because she’d have “reached a new audience” and the interview would “humanize her” by letting her pick a stripper to get a free boob job.

Tokyo’s police department released the Digi Police app, a free app that lets women report groping and sexual misconduct on the subway and other crowded places. New York’s police are evaluating a similar app to report subway masturbators, but find most riders prefer using the camera app.

A woman delivered a baby in the parking lot of a Melbourne, Australia McDonald’s after sending her husband into the restaurant to get her a Quarter Pounder. He returned to the car, gave it to her, then drove to a hospital with a Seven Pounder.

Johnny Depp accused ex-wife Amber Heard of defecating in his bed as part of a lawsuit against her. He failed to produce the sheets as evidence, saying he’d sold them for a lot of money on eBay to some creep.

Shares of cosmetics company Avon rose 17%, as the company is rumored to be close to being sold. Avon’s CEO said you wouldn’t believe how many doorbells they had to ring to find the right buyer.

Plans are underway for Whitney Houston’s holographic likeness to star in a concert tour celebrating the late singer’s career, just as soon as the hologram can get a restraining order against Bobby Brown.

Uber is reportedly launching a new $9.99/month unlimited food delivery service, officially called Uber Eats Pass, and unofficially called Lousy Tippers.

Amazon put workstation video games in its warehouses, so that laborers advance in the game when they speedily perform tasks like packing boxes. The good news is workers are rewarded with swag for high scores, the bad news is they lose a life every time they black out from exhaustion or take a bathroom break.

Tech website CNET released its list of the Best Smartphones Under $500. Topping the list is a $1500 iPhone that you buy from whoever stole it.


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