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Premium streaming services HBO Max and Discovery+ will combine next year. Viewers are already excited for Euphoria: Naked and Afraid.

WNBA star Britney Griner reportedly won over Russian prison guards who told her “everything will be OK!” before the conclusion of her trial. She was sentenced to 9 years and guards said “OK maybe not!”

Amazon is acquiring iRobot for over a billion dollars. iRobot technology will continue to suck up household dirt and human jobs in warehouses.

A lightning strike killed two people and injured two others in Washington DC. Members of Congress said this still won’t stop them from lying.

Actress Christina Ricci said in an interview that Johnny Depp first explained homosexuality to her when she was nine years old. Ricci appreciated it, but said she could have done without watching the movies Depp showed her.

Singer Doja Cat surprised fans on Instagram, revealing she’d shaved her head and eyebrows and claiming she “never liked” having hair. Instagram temporarily crashed from the influx of shaved ‘cat’ comments.

Tyler Perry doesn’t want to talk about race issues with his 7-year-old son Aman yet. He’s saving that for Tyler Perry’s ‘Tyler Perry Talks About Race With His Son Aman.’ Coming soon to theaters.

Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers said he wouldn’t have been NFL MVP the last two seasons without having a ‘magical’ experience taking hallucinogen ayahuasca. He’s looking for a new drug that can help him win playoff games.

A woman shared an essay with the Huffington Post, saying she had sex for the first time in 10 years and it landed her in the emergency room. Her boyfriend also shared an essay, saying he was right that they should practice sex more often.

Firefighters were called to remove a bear from the laundry room of a Santa Barbara County, California home. The bear had broken a water pipe to drink from it. and left with the firefighters once his socks were dry.

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Philadelphia is ending its indoor mask mandate less than a week after reinstating it, after the Centers for Disease Control determined the health benefits of wearing one didn’t outweigh the risks from the food Philly residents ate when they removed it.

Tiger Woods introduced two new 18-hole putting courses at a fun center in Sarasota. He focused on putting courses because he’s notoriously great at putting, and because it leaves more time for participants to hit on the female bartenders.

Mike Tyson repeatedly punched a passenger seated behind him on a Jet Blue flight, but walked off the aircraft before it departed. He then boarded a Spirit Airlines flight, and waited for the captain to illuminate the fistfight sign before pummeling a different guy.

A new mom’s Tik Tok video claims the key to understanding a newborn baby is deciphering nine unique baby cries – three each for hunger, fatigue, and filling their diaper.

The FAA revoked the private pilot’s license of YouTube’r Trevor Jacob, saying he crashed a small plane on purpose, jumping out with a parachute and recording it all on a smartphone with a selfie stick. Jacob remains grounded for a year, and then will start work flying for Spirit Airlines.

Amber Heard is accused of copying ex-husband Johnny Depp’s outfits as the two square off in court over a lawsuit. Heard said it was tough to find a Halloween Spirit store open in April to get a Captain Jack Sparrow costume.

Florida released four examples of math textbooks it disqualified for use in the state. The exhibits showed bar charts measuring perceived racism – with the tall bar labeled ‘Florida’.

Donald Trump mocked the shutdown of CNN+ streaming service after just three weeks. He released a statement calling it an ’empty desert’. The statement was released on multiple online outlets, including to the six people on Truth Social.

Victoria’s Secret named its first male Brand Ambassador, actor Darren Barnet. He’ll model gender-neutral apparel and give online tutorials on one-handed bra unhooking.

Kevin Federline’s lawyer said Britney Spears’ recent post about his not wanting to see her when she was pregnant with their children is false, and that he would vigorously defend Federline just as soon as Britney paid him.

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The Taliban have reportedly taken over the government of Afghanistan. The Afghan Army caved so fast, they’re being made fun of by France.

The situation in Afghanistan is so bad, residents are booking flights to Haiti.

The Taliban painted over posters of women at a Kabul beauty salon – because women are oppressed, and because the Taliban don’t like the look of bangs.

According to data from website Business Insider, the average McDonald’s customer is a white female, between the ages of 41 and 56, with an average household income over $80,000, buying breakfast items … on their way to refill insulin.

Texas’ Supreme Court overruled mask mandates issued for Dallas & San Antonio, giving a victory to lawyers representing the Delta Variant of COVID-19.

Johnny Depp claims that he’s being “boycotted” by Hollywood since a British court ruled he abused ex-wife Amber Heard. Hollywood said there’s no such boycott, and Depp just thinks he’s too good to guest-star on Bob Loves Abishola.

‘Pawn Stars’ Rick Harrison divorced his wife Deanna in the middle of 2020. Apparently they spent the last year haggling over how much he’d pay to buy back her engagement ring.

Rapper Silento, who had a hit with ‘Watch Me (Whip/Nae Nae)’ was charged with felony murder. Cops arresting him told him he had the right to remain Silento.

The U.S. National Highway Traffic Safety Administration is investigating 11 incidents of Tesla vehicles in autopilot mode slamming into emergency vehicles. They believe some of the cars are owned by lawyers chasing ambulances.

A bloody fight broke out in the stands during the Los Angeles Rams/Los Angeles Chargers preseason NFL game. Cops took over a minute to respond because they couldn’t believe anyone cared that much about anything during an NFL preseason game.

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Donald Trump’s allies launched a new social media app, GETTR, to promote discussions free of cancel culture and liberal bias. Those eager to see it fail are already waiting to say “GETTR done”.

The NFL fined the Washington Football Team $10 million for creating a hostile workplace culture. Owner Daniel Snyder said he was stepping away from day-to-day operations, as the embarrassment left his skin red.

Trump Organization CFO Allen Weisselberg’s fraud charges include using company funds to pay for his grandson’s school tuition. Only he was so dumb, the payments were made to Trump University.

Wally Funk, an 82-year-old woman and former NASA astronaut-in-training, will join Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, his brother Mark, and someone who paid $28 million, on the inaugural Blue Origin space flight. “So, anybody know what they’re doing?” they’ll ask each other during countdown.

A Boeing 737 cargo jet was forced to land in the ocean near Honolulu after experiencing engine failure. Customers who got emails saying “Great News! Your shipment is on the way!”..received follow-up emails, “Not-So-Great News!…”

Actress Raven Symone said her wife is the one to be thanked for Symone’s 30-pound weight loss, calling her “a terrible cook”.

Amber Heard, Johnny Depp’s ex-wife, is now the mother of a baby girl. Heard, who infamously pooped in Depp’s bed, said her baby is already pooping in hers.

The woman who held up a sign and allegedly caused a multi-bike crash at the Tour de France has been arrested. She was ordered to pay for all of the Band Aids needed to fix the boo-boos of the impacted cyclists.

The head of Instagram said it’s “no longer a photo-sharing app”. “Coulda fooled me” said millions of creeps ogling women.

West Nile virus has been found in mosquitoes in Washington state. But since the temperatures in Washington have reached 100 degrees, the bugs plan to return to the actual West Nile in Africa, where it’s cooler.

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Actress Leah Remini, 50, shared her acceptance letter into a general studies program at NYU. Her ‘King Of Queens’ costar, Kevin James, shared the letter adding him to the waitlist at Strayer University.

Amazon is shutting down its Prime Now service, and moving its “ultrafast” premium deliveries to its regular Prime. So go ahead and order those necessities that you absolutely have to have in about five days.

Kylie Jenner and baby-daddy Travis Scott announced they’re back together as a couple, but in an ‘open relationship’ – also known as Parents With Benefits.

Kim Kardashian revealed on ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’ that her daughter, Saint, had COVID-19, which surprised Kim because Saint wears an avocado mask most mornings.

Oprah Winfrey and Prince Harry debuted their new Apple+ show, ‘The Me You Can’t See’ – where celebrities discuss mental health challenges and traumas that can only be properly addressed by a guy born into royal wealth and a billionaire.

The driver of a Japanese bullet train is in trouble for taking a three minute bathroom break while the train traveled at 90 mph with 160 passengers on board. He said he only did so after trying to piss out a window, but it kept blowing back onto him.

A new Utah law mandates autism awareness training for police officers. Cops are now required to identify non-violent suspects as autistic before shooting and pummeling them.

Investigators added a new name to the subpoena in the probe of Congressman Matt Gaetz. However, for privacy purposes, the person is only identified as ‘Knockers’.

A future bride’s demands to her bridesmaids – including dropping dress sizes to at least a size 8, and donating $500 for the honeymoon – went viral. The groomsmen only demanded that the bridesmaids drop their dresses after the reception.

A judge in Spain refused to marry a couple when the groom arrived for the ceremony wearing a Jack Sparrow costume. And because he was drunk. And Johnny Depp.

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Organizers announced Saturday’s Million MAGA March in Washington DC to support Donald Trump. Area managers are bracing for mile-long lines of buses at DC-area McDonald’s drive-thrus.

Johnny Depp resigned from his role as Grindelwald in the Fantastic Beasts film series. He’ll pocket several million dollars and start work in the new Abusive Beasts movies.

An Egyptian man holding a small fish in his teeth was rushed to an emergency room after the fish jumped in his mouth and lodged in his throat. Doctors were able to remove it, but only after waiting two hours danging worms on his lips.

A male contestant on The Bachelorette tested positive for COVID-19. He’s quarantining until the coronavirus is neutralized by gonorrhea.

A man claiming to have some of Charles Manson’s cremation ashes had them used in a $500 face tattoo. No word on why he went with a dolphin jumping over a rainbow.

A new study finds 1 in 5 COVID-19 patients develop mental illness within 90 days. The study followed four teenagers and Donald Trump.

The White House issued a statement in observance of Veterans Day, reminding Americans that today is for active duty vets – and that Suckers & Losers Day is in late May.

Georgia will conduct a full by-hand recount of all votes. The Secretary of State said that this will instill confidence when they’re done in 2022.

Chipotle opened its first digital-only restaurant, now that they’ve figured out how to digitize food borne illness.

Oprah’s Favorite Things arrived on Amazon. The only one of her Favorite Things that Amazon didn’t list is actually getting sh!t delivered in two days.

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Workers erected a ‘non-scalable’ fence around the White House grounds before the election. Wednesday marks the debut of Melania – Slovenian Human Cannonball.

A judge has ordered Phil Collins ex-wife Orianne and her new husband to vacate Collins’ Miami mansion by mid-January. “So, just another 70 days for you & me in paradise” said Orianne to her husband.

A federal judge ordered the U.S. Postal Service to use the Express Mail system to handle mail-in ballots this week, creating hundreds of new jobs for mules.

British Prime Minister Boris Johnson said the U.K. coronavirus lockdown may extend into next year – anything to keep the Dickens Christmas Carolers off the streets.

Talk show host Jeannie Mai was hospitalized with epiglottitis and withdrew from Dancing With The Stars, with both experiences leaving her pretty choked up.

Cardi B officially dropped divorce proceedings with husband Offset, notifying lawyers to file a motion of WAP – Withdraw All Paperwork.

Johnny Depp lost his libel lawsuit against British tabloid The Sun for calling him a wife beater. Depp plans to appeal, and to start a new career in the NFL.

KleinVision demonstrated its AirCar flying car during an event in Slovakia. It reached an altitude of 1500 feet and completed two takeoffs and landings. Sadly. on its third trip a 16-year-old Slovakian kid backed it into a stop sign while trying to parallel park.

Scaled-back Thanksgiving celebrations amidst the pandemic are worrying turkey farmers – but delighting families of turkeys who never imagined the whole gang getting together.

Donald Trump clarified his remarks about declaring early victory on Election Night – saying what he meant was he’ll be getting the McRib a full month ahead of its December relaunch.

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Walmart announced they’re requiring all shoppers to wear masks, and all their senior citizen greeters will receive karate training.

The Virginia mountain lake where ‘Dirty Dancing’ was filmed had completely dried up, but is now starting to retain water again after a wet spring. The symbolism has made Jennifer Grey hopeful she’ll get acting offers again.

The New York Post published a photo of actress Amber Heard’s feces after she reportedly defecated in her & Johnny Depp’s bed after a fight. The picture was evidence in litigation between the two actors, and is part of the Post’s Pulitzer prize entry.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s attorney told the judge at her bail hearing that she is now married. The lawyer wouldn’t say who she wed or when, only that she’s really getting along with one of the other prisoners.

Kanye West ended his 2020 presidential bid, choosing instead to run on stage at the next inauguration to tell everybody who should have won.

Asheville, North Carolina approved reparations for Black residents. It’s now impossible to rent a U-Haul within a 500-mile radius of Asheville, North Carolina.

Former Auburn football coach Tommy Tuberville won the Republican nomination in Alabama’s senate primary over former Attorney General Jeff Sessions, who recused himself.

New York Times opinion columnist and editor Bari Weiss resigned, issuing a scathing letter claiming that coworkers called her a Nazi and a racist. “Welcome aboard!” said White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany.

Ivanka Trump was dragged in social media after saying unemployed workers should “try something new!” Later, she posted a selfie holding a can of Goya beans saying “try something new!…this stuff that people eat on the other side of the wall!”

Celebrity co-parents Khloe Kardashian and Tristan Thompson have reportedly reunited and hired a wedding planner to prepare a low-key ceremony to be attended by family members, close friends, and 200 photographers.

 

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Vermont banned placing food scraps in the trash. McDonald’s restaurants throughout the state introduced Compost Meals.

With a tenfold surge in cases since reopening, Florida is being called the new epicenter of coronavirus. “I guess we should get more Epi-Pens, then” said Governor Ron Desantis.

Donald Trump told Fox News Sean Hannity that he “aced” his cognitive evaluation, holding up the peg with four plastic donuts stacked largest to smallest.

A white Tennessee woman who shouted racist and homophobic slurs at a Black Lives Matter rally was fired from her job at a vision center. She asked for one final treatment at the office, claiming she couldn’t see color.

Johnny Depp testified in a British court that he called ex-wife Amber Heard “Amber Turd” after she defecated in their bed as a prank. He then testified that he called the cleaning lady to beg her not to quit.

A TikTok user shared a way to keep leftover avocado from browning in your refrigerator – don’t buy them.

The owner of a deli in Saratoga Springs, NY posted a sign telling “thirsty bros” not to ask his staff on dates while they’re trying to work, adding that they’ve already heard the ‘hot pastrami’ line dozens of times.

A Nazi-themed song on TikTok went viral, garnering 6.5 million views. “Maybe we don’t ban TikTok after all” said Donald Trump.

CNN contributor Ana Navarro addressed Americans who refuse to wear face masks, saying “wearing Spanx is harder”.  Spanx stopped selling face masks after multiple users reported collapsed noses and fractured jaws.

COVID-19 cases are surging in Mississippi – medical officials say intensive care barns don’t have enough available hay bales to admit new patients.

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Johnny Depp/Alice Cooper/Joe Perry supergroup Hollywood Vampires postponed their 2020 European Tour, blaming potential exposure to COVID-19 and daylight.

The FDA warned that some hand sanitizers made in Mexico could contain toxic ingredients. Consumers should not buy or use new & improved Los Purellos with Lead.

McDonald’s is reportedly reconsidering the future of offering All-Day Breakfast, citing the complexity of frying an egg and putting it on an english muffin.

Disney Parks will make changes to the queues for its attractions when parks reopen in July. There will be no FastPass+, single rider lines, or virtual checkins – all guests will be required to stand in line and get sick together.

Philadelphia International Airport turned 80 years old. It’s celebrating by reuniting a 100-year-old passenger with the airport’s first-ever checked bag.

Arizona’s Dream City Church – site of the next Donald Trump rally – said they’ll be using technology that wipes out 99.9% of airborne coronavirus germs: old church lady perfume.

An 88-year-old Nashville liquor store owner had her handgun confiscated for two years after she injured a shoplifter with a shot in the back. Tennessee officials said when they return the gun, they hope her aim improves enough to kill shoplifters.

183,000 new cases – a daily record – of coronavirus were reported on Sunday, as the respiratory disease got its second wind.

Statues of catholic priest Juniperro Serra were toppled in Los Angeles and San Francisco. Serra started missions that imprisoned indigenous people to convert them to catholicism. That, and his statues somehow managed to molest young boys.

Donald Trump claimed his campaign received one million ticket requests for his Tulsa rally, yet only 6,200 showed up.  “Wow, that’s pretty good” said Facebook’s Director of Event Invites.