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In Philadelphia, a food delivery driver shot a Chick-fil-A employee in the leg because he believed a milkshake was missing from his order. As news of the shooting spread, other food delivery drivers in Philadelphia reported getting bigger tips.

Movie theaters in the Middle East banned Disney/Pixar’s Lightyear because of a same-sex kiss. The Middle East is still reeling from that time Bugs Bunny dressed up like a sexy lady and kissed Elmer Fudd.

Instagram will now allow parents to send invitations to teen users so that parents can have additional supervisory controls. So far parents are 0-for-19 million getting their invitations accepted.

Yahoo! appointed Jessica Alba to its Board Of Directors, with incumbent women directors voting ‘No’ and male directors voting ‘Yahoo’!.

American Express will issue its first ‘Crypto Rewards Card’, where members can earn purchase rewards in their choice of cryptocurrency, which they’ll then have the flexibility to spend pretty much nowhere.

The vintage Harley Davidson motorcycle ridden by Johnny Depp in the John Waters movie ‘Cry Baby‘ is up for auction, with a starting bid of $250,000. Which seems high, but is still less than what some creep paid for the bedsheets Amber Heard ruined.

AEW wrestler Jeff Hardy was arrested for his 3rd DUI in Florida. Hardy was taken into custody after the cop slapped the pavement three times and rang a bell.

Japan enacted a law making ‘online insults’ punishable by up to year in prison. So now the Internet in Japan is pretty much just weird porn and cat videos.

Cryptocurrency exchange Coinbase is laying off 18% of its workforce. Asked how many of them wanted their severance paid in cryptocurrency, a spokesperson said “none”.

All entrances to Yellowstone National Park were closed amidst heavy flooding, disappointing tourists who’d hoped to get photos of bears surfing.

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Philadelphia is ending its indoor mask mandate less than a week after reinstating it, after the Centers for Disease Control determined the health benefits of wearing one didn’t outweigh the risks from the food Philly residents ate when they removed it.

Tiger Woods introduced two new 18-hole putting courses at a fun center in Sarasota. He focused on putting courses because he’s notoriously great at putting, and because it leaves more time for participants to hit on the female bartenders.

Mike Tyson repeatedly punched a passenger seated behind him on a Jet Blue flight, but walked off the aircraft before it departed. He then boarded a Spirit Airlines flight, and waited for the captain to illuminate the fistfight sign before pummeling a different guy.

A new mom’s Tik Tok video claims the key to understanding a newborn baby is deciphering nine unique baby cries – three each for hunger, fatigue, and filling their diaper.

The FAA revoked the private pilot’s license of YouTube’r Trevor Jacob, saying he crashed a small plane on purpose, jumping out with a parachute and recording it all on a smartphone with a selfie stick. Jacob remains grounded for a year, and then will start work flying for Spirit Airlines.

Amber Heard is accused of copying ex-husband Johnny Depp’s outfits as the two square off in court over a lawsuit. Heard said it was tough to find a Halloween Spirit store open in April to get a Captain Jack Sparrow costume.

Florida released four examples of math textbooks it disqualified for use in the state. The exhibits showed bar charts measuring perceived racism – with the tall bar labeled ‘Florida’.

Donald Trump mocked the shutdown of CNN+ streaming service after just three weeks. He released a statement calling it an ’empty desert’. The statement was released on multiple online outlets, including to the six people on Truth Social.

Victoria’s Secret named its first male Brand Ambassador, actor Darren Barnet. He’ll model gender-neutral apparel and give online tutorials on one-handed bra unhooking.

Kevin Federline’s lawyer said Britney Spears’ recent post about his not wanting to see her when she was pregnant with their children is false, and that he would vigorously defend Federline just as soon as Britney paid him.

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Donald Trump’s allies launched a new social media app, GETTR, to promote discussions free of cancel culture and liberal bias. Those eager to see it fail are already waiting to say “GETTR done”.

The NFL fined the Washington Football Team $10 million for creating a hostile workplace culture. Owner Daniel Snyder said he was stepping away from day-to-day operations, as the embarrassment left his skin red.

Trump Organization CFO Allen Weisselberg’s fraud charges include using company funds to pay for his grandson’s school tuition. Only he was so dumb, the payments were made to Trump University.

Wally Funk, an 82-year-old woman and former NASA astronaut-in-training, will join Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, his brother Mark, and someone who paid $28 million, on the inaugural Blue Origin space flight. “So, anybody know what they’re doing?” they’ll ask each other during countdown.

A Boeing 737 cargo jet was forced to land in the ocean near Honolulu after experiencing engine failure. Customers who got emails saying “Great News! Your shipment is on the way!”..received follow-up emails, “Not-So-Great News!…”

Actress Raven Symone said her wife is the one to be thanked for Symone’s 30-pound weight loss, calling her “a terrible cook”.

Amber Heard, Johnny Depp’s ex-wife, is now the mother of a baby girl. Heard, who infamously pooped in Depp’s bed, said her baby is already pooping in hers.

The woman who held up a sign and allegedly caused a multi-bike crash at the Tour de France has been arrested. She was ordered to pay for all of the Band Aids needed to fix the boo-boos of the impacted cyclists.

The head of Instagram said it’s “no longer a photo-sharing app”. “Coulda fooled me” said millions of creeps ogling women.

West Nile virus has been found in mosquitoes in Washington state. But since the temperatures in Washington have reached 100 degrees, the bugs plan to return to the actual West Nile in Africa, where it’s cooler.

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Workers erected a ‘non-scalable’ fence around the White House grounds before the election. Wednesday marks the debut of Melania – Slovenian Human Cannonball.

A judge has ordered Phil Collins ex-wife Orianne and her new husband to vacate Collins’ Miami mansion by mid-January. “So, just another 70 days for you & me in paradise” said Orianne to her husband.

A federal judge ordered the U.S. Postal Service to use the Express Mail system to handle mail-in ballots this week, creating hundreds of new jobs for mules.

British Prime Minister Boris Johnson said the U.K. coronavirus lockdown may extend into next year – anything to keep the Dickens Christmas Carolers off the streets.

Talk show host Jeannie Mai was hospitalized with epiglottitis and withdrew from Dancing With The Stars, with both experiences leaving her pretty choked up.

Cardi B officially dropped divorce proceedings with husband Offset, notifying lawyers to file a motion of WAP – Withdraw All Paperwork.

Johnny Depp lost his libel lawsuit against British tabloid The Sun for calling him a wife beater. Depp plans to appeal, and to start a new career in the NFL.

KleinVision demonstrated its AirCar flying car during an event in Slovakia. It reached an altitude of 1500 feet and completed two takeoffs and landings. Sadly. on its third trip a 16-year-old Slovakian kid backed it into a stop sign while trying to parallel park.

Scaled-back Thanksgiving celebrations amidst the pandemic are worrying turkey farmers – but delighting families of turkeys who never imagined the whole gang getting together.

Donald Trump clarified his remarks about declaring early victory on Election Night – saying what he meant was he’ll be getting the McRib a full month ahead of its December relaunch.

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Walmart announced they’re requiring all shoppers to wear masks, and all their senior citizen greeters will receive karate training.

The Virginia mountain lake where ‘Dirty Dancing’ was filmed had completely dried up, but is now starting to retain water again after a wet spring. The symbolism has made Jennifer Grey hopeful she’ll get acting offers again.

The New York Post published a photo of actress Amber Heard’s feces after she reportedly defecated in her & Johnny Depp’s bed after a fight. The picture was evidence in litigation between the two actors, and is part of the Post’s Pulitzer prize entry.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s attorney told the judge at her bail hearing that she is now married. The lawyer wouldn’t say who she wed or when, only that she’s really getting along with one of the other prisoners.

Kanye West ended his 2020 presidential bid, choosing instead to run on stage at the next inauguration to tell everybody who should have won.

Asheville, North Carolina approved reparations for Black residents. It’s now impossible to rent a U-Haul within a 500-mile radius of Asheville, North Carolina.

Former Auburn football coach Tommy Tuberville won the Republican nomination in Alabama’s senate primary over former Attorney General Jeff Sessions, who recused himself.

New York Times opinion columnist and editor Bari Weiss resigned, issuing a scathing letter claiming that coworkers called her a Nazi and a racist. “Welcome aboard!” said White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany.

Ivanka Trump was dragged in social media after saying unemployed workers should “try something new!” Later, she posted a selfie holding a can of Goya beans saying “try something new!…this stuff that people eat on the other side of the wall!”

Celebrity co-parents Khloe Kardashian and Tristan Thompson have reportedly reunited and hired a wedding planner to prepare a low-key ceremony to be attended by family members, close friends, and 200 photographers.

 

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Vermont banned placing food scraps in the trash. McDonald’s restaurants throughout the state introduced Compost Meals.

With a tenfold surge in cases since reopening, Florida is being called the new epicenter of coronavirus. “I guess we should get more Epi-Pens, then” said Governor Ron Desantis.

Donald Trump told Fox News Sean Hannity that he “aced” his cognitive evaluation, holding up the peg with four plastic donuts stacked largest to smallest.

A white Tennessee woman who shouted racist and homophobic slurs at a Black Lives Matter rally was fired from her job at a vision center. She asked for one final treatment at the office, claiming she couldn’t see color.

Johnny Depp testified in a British court that he called ex-wife Amber Heard “Amber Turd” after she defecated in their bed as a prank. He then testified that he called the cleaning lady to beg her not to quit.

A TikTok user shared a way to keep leftover avocado from browning in your refrigerator – don’t buy them.

The owner of a deli in Saratoga Springs, NY posted a sign telling “thirsty bros” not to ask his staff on dates while they’re trying to work, adding that they’ve already heard the ‘hot pastrami’ line dozens of times.

A Nazi-themed song on TikTok went viral, garnering 6.5 million views. “Maybe we don’t ban TikTok after all” said Donald Trump.

CNN contributor Ana Navarro addressed Americans who refuse to wear face masks, saying “wearing Spanx is harder”.  Spanx stopped selling face masks after multiple users reported collapsed noses and fractured jaws.

COVID-19 cases are surging in Mississippi – medical officials say intensive care barns don’t have enough available hay bales to admit new patients.

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Donald Trump issued a flurry of Presidential pardons, including former Illinois Governor and ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ contestant Rod Blagojevich.  The pardon was issued in January, but it took a month to figure out who Ron Blagoyawitz was.

McDonald’s is now offering their 50th Anniversary Shamrock Shake. Arby’s is offering the Shamrock Sandwich – it’s the usual mauve roast beef that turned green with age.

Walmart officials don’t yet know how their sales & profits will be impacted by the coronavirus. Although they do expect added expense relabeling most of their products ‘Made In The Good Part of China’.

Larry Tesler, the Apple employee who invented Cut/Copy/Paste commands, was Deleted at age 74 after a brief illness. [Story h/t to Guy S.]

A Pennsylvania man who fled the scene of a hit-and-run accident on foot was arrested after being attacked by a coyote. The Chief of Police issued a medal of commendation to the Coyote for catching the Road-Runner.

Johnny Depp alleges that ex-wife Amber Heard defecated on their bed after a fight. While fans take sides amidst the couple’s bitter split, no one is thinking to ask how the cleaning lady is doing.

Nearly all of the employees at Orlando’s religious theme park, Holy Land Experience, will lose their jobs this spring. A memo to staffers reads ‘The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away and will not payeth severance.”

A Scottish man claims to be in extreme pain after surgery to implant metal rods in his penis left him with a permanent erection. He also claims to have lost weight because he can’t go near the refrigerator without the magnets flying off and hitting it.

General Mills plans to revive flagging sales of breakfast cereal by going upscale, including charging up to $13/box. Although it’s unclear who wants to start their day with Caviar Cheerios.

Philadelphia is rolling out kiosks that let car owners pay for parking after entering their license plate. Drivers who can’t remember their license plate can simply press a button reading ‘Stolen Car’.

 

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The U.S. Postal Service began a two-week trial transporting mail across the Southwest via self-driving trucks, to see if the trucks improve delivery times and costs. They failed to mention accuracy, as the truck arrived in New Mexico instead of Nevada, as planned.

Howard Stern said if he’d interviewed Hillary Clinton in 2016, she may have won the Presidential Election because she’d have “reached a new audience” and the interview would “humanize her” by letting her pick a stripper to get a free boob job.

Tokyo’s police department released the Digi Police app, a free app that lets women report groping and sexual misconduct on the subway and other crowded places. New York’s police are evaluating a similar app to report subway masturbators, but find most riders prefer using the camera app.

A woman delivered a baby in the parking lot of a Melbourne, Australia McDonald’s after sending her husband into the restaurant to get her a Quarter Pounder. He returned to the car, gave it to her, then drove to a hospital with a Seven Pounder.

Johnny Depp accused ex-wife Amber Heard of defecating in his bed as part of a lawsuit against her. He failed to produce the sheets as evidence, saying he’d sold them for a lot of money on eBay to some creep.

Shares of cosmetics company Avon rose 17%, as the company is rumored to be close to being sold. Avon’s CEO said you wouldn’t believe how many doorbells they had to ring to find the right buyer.

Plans are underway for Whitney Houston’s holographic likeness to star in a concert tour celebrating the late singer’s career, just as soon as the hologram can get a restraining order against Bobby Brown.

Uber is reportedly launching a new $9.99/month unlimited food delivery service, officially called Uber Eats Pass, and unofficially called Lousy Tippers.

Amazon put workstation video games in its warehouses, so that laborers advance in the game when they speedily perform tasks like packing boxes. The good news is workers are rewarded with swag for high scores, the bad news is they lose a life every time they black out from exhaustion or take a bathroom break.

Tech website CNET released its list of the Best Smartphones Under $500. Topping the list is a $1500 iPhone that you buy from whoever stole it.