Monday Jokes: July 15th

Starbucks will stop selling newspapers, leaving its many homeless visitors wondering what they’ll read in the bathroom.

Cable network TLC will show wedding tapes of the late John F. Kennedy, Jr and wife Carolyn. They had instructed the tapes be kept secret so no one would see them doing the Macarena and Electric Slide.

A massive electrical blackout hit New York City on Saturday night. Utilities were slow to respond since the outage went undetected thanks to thousands of flash selfies lighting up Times Square.

A Siberian lake, popular for scenic photos from swimsuit-clad Instagram influencers, is filled with toxic waste. Asked how much toxic waste was in the lake, a Russian environmentalist said “more than on all of Instagram.”

Monday and Tuesday marked Amazon Prime Day, a newly-created holiday to remember Amazon distribution center employees who died from overwork on the job.

Womens apparel store Charming Charlie is going out of business. “It’s not you, it’s me.” said Charlie.

UFC fighter Ricky Simón postponed his honeymoon for the opportunity to take on UFC Hall of Famer Urijah Faber, who then KO’d Simón in 46 seconds. Simón then moved on to his wedding night, where he lasted 45 seconds.

More than 540,000 people signed up for a mid-September Facebook event to storm Area 51. An equal number said they were Interested, and another half-million felt obliged to write what their kids were doing that prevented them from attending.

Lamar Odom was cut from Ice Cube’s 3-on-3 BIG3 basketball league. Odom said he was disappointed in the way it was handled, but excited about his upcoming tryout with the Washington Generals.

Following singer R Kelly’s arrest, his girlfriends were kicked out of his residence at Trump Tower Chicago. The Trump Organization pointed to a contract that stating they’re fine providing housing for sex criminals, just not broke-ass ones.

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