Tuesday Jokes: July 16th

Disney World’s Epcot Center issued a rabies alert for a feral cat on the property, last seen trying to hunt down and bite the head off of Minnie Mouse.

  • Asked to describe the cat, officials called it “bored, like everyone else at Epcot.”

Oceanographers discovered a jellyfish the size of a human. If it stings you, everyone at the beach has to urinate on the wound for you to survive.

Four Australian children, aged 10 to 14, stole a car and went on a 600-mile joyride. It ended in a fistfight when they grew tired of asking each other if they were there yet.

Britain’s Royal Family attended the U.K. premiere of Disney’s new adaptation of ‘The Lion King’, then bowed and curtsied before Beyoncé who knighted them “Kinda Cool for White People”.

A new study found the Fitbit Surge had the most accurate calorie-burning measurement of fitness trackers, with a 25% error rate. Other devices had higher error rates, up to 93%, because their owners took them off and bashed them with a hammer.

A 30-year-old Northeast Philadelphia woman was arrested for DUI on the Jersey Shore, then bit the arresting officer on the leg. The cop accepted blame for leaving a slice of pizza in his lap.

Hundreds of large land crabs invaded Florida neighborhoods near Port St. Lucie following heavy rains. Residents called animal control to say they had crabs, and animal control referred them to their doctor.

A 58-year-old man in Los Angeles’ richest neighborhood of Bel-Air was arrested for possessing over 1,000 firearms. Cops didn’t believe his explanation that he was Joe Wick, John’s brother.

After an undercover visit to view Disneyland working conditions, Disney heiress Abigail Disney slammed the company for low worker pay, with some telling her they have to forage through garbage for food. “Yeah, but it’s kinda fun” said Pluto.

IKEA is shutting down its only U.S. factory in Danville, Virginia. Workers were informed with a four-panel instructional drawing showing them picking up their final check and driving home.

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