The city of Philadelphia is suing e*cigarette maker Juul for creating a “dangerous health epidemic”. Hearing the news, every cheesesteak shop in the city lawyered up.
A bakery in Hatboro, Pennsylvania is selling $4 cookies bearing the name of Trump or Biden, then tracking purchases to see who wins the ‘Cookie Election’. The real losers of that election are dopes who pay $4 for a cookie.
The NFL said they’re “reimagining” the Pro Bowl. They’re imagining they’ll skip it.
Amy Coney Barrett was asked by a GOP Senator what Five Freedoms are guaranteed by the First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. She replied freedom of speech, religion, press… Wham! ‘Freedom’ and George Michael ‘Freedom ’90’.
Maki, a 21-year-old ring-tailed lemur, is missing from the San Francisco Zoo. Zoo officials believe he was stolen, but other lemurs say he just went out because he’s finally old enough to drink.
The British government announced tougher coronavirus restricitions on London due to a surge in cases. It’s so bad, dolls have to sit six feet apart at tea parties.
John Cena married girlfriend Shay Shariatzadeh at a lawyer’s office in Florida on Monday. Shay Shariatzadeh-Cena becomes the world’s longest celebrity tongue-twister.
A Russian Soyuz rocket arrived at the International Space Station just three hours after launch – a new record. Despite the fast service, the Grubhub driver left without a tip.
Barron Trump tested positive for COVID-19, then it was determined a different kid took the test for him.
Amazon Prime Day concluded, marking the official kickoff to UPS Back Spasm Days.