Florida sent dozens of Venezuelan migrants to Martha’s Vineyard on charter flights as a political statement against open borders. The migrants may have been lied to, because when they arrived they asked what time the James Taylor concert started, and when their new jobs begin at Obama’s summer house.

A nationwide strike of railroad workers appears to have been averted after marathon talks between the federal government, railroad union leaders, and really persuasive hobos.

A source tells news organizations that Tom Brady and wife Gisele Bundchen are “living separately” due to a rift caused by his decision to unretire. Their differences could not be repaired even after Brady left training camp for a week to join Bundchen at Gronkowski Relationship Counseling Center.

A Chick-fil-A worker broke up a parking lot carjacking attempt, where the suspect punched the employee in the face while trying to steal a woman’s car with a baby inside. “My plesshr” said the employee through missing teeth when thanked for his heroism.

Starbucks is rolling out a new plan to speed up service – limiting customer drink orders to twenty words or less.

Kim Kardashian said she’s done dating entertainers, and that her next boyfriend could be a neuroscientist. Kim’s Instagram DMs are currently frozen due to an influx of photos from neuroscientists with unusually large penises.

A Chicago court found R. Kelly guilty on 6 charges of child pornography and not guilty of 7 others. “See! I TOLD you I was innocent!” he said.

TikTok executives would not commit to stopping the flow of U.S.’ users personal data to China. However, TikTok said China’s government is taking steps to ensure their citizens aren’t exposed to terrible standup comedy bits.

A new book claims Melania Trump told her husband “you’re blowing this” regarding the COVID-19 pandemic. The book claims Donald Trump said the same thing to a Playboy Playmate, a porn star, and multiple Miss Teen USA contestants.

Disney World guests are complaining that, despite rising ticket prices, the rides are often broken, and the park is filthy. It’s so bad, Pluto now takes a dump on the sidewalk and Mickey just leaves it there.

Disney World’s Epcot Center issued a rabies alert for a feral cat on the property, last seen trying to hunt down and bite the head off of Minnie Mouse.

  • Asked to describe the cat, officials called it “bored, like everyone else at Epcot.”

Oceanographers discovered a jellyfish the size of a human. If it stings you, everyone at the beach has to urinate on the wound for you to survive.

Four Australian children, aged 10 to 14, stole a car and went on a 600-mile joyride. It ended in a fistfight when they grew tired of asking each other if they were there yet.

Britain’s Royal Family attended the U.K. premiere of Disney’s new adaptation of ‘The Lion King’, then bowed and curtsied before BeyoncĂ© who knighted them “Kinda Cool for White People”.

A new study found the Fitbit Surge had the most accurate calorie-burning measurement of fitness trackers, with a 25% error rate. Other devices had higher error rates, up to 93%, because their owners took them off and bashed them with a hammer.

A 30-year-old Northeast Philadelphia woman was arrested for DUI on the Jersey Shore, then bit the arresting officer on the leg. The cop accepted blame for leaving a slice of pizza in his lap.

Hundreds of large land crabs invaded Florida neighborhoods near Port St. Lucie following heavy rains. Residents called animal control to say they had crabs, and animal control referred them to their doctor.

A 58-year-old man in Los Angeles’ richest neighborhood of Bel-Air was arrested for possessing over 1,000 firearms. Cops didn’t believe his explanation that he was Joe Wick, John’s brother.

After an undercover visit to view Disneyland working conditions, Disney heiress Abigail Disney slammed the company for low worker pay, with some telling her they have to forage through garbage for food. “Yeah, but it’s kinda fun” said Pluto.

IKEA is shutting down its only U.S. factory in Danville, Virginia. Workers were informed with a four-panel instructional drawing showing them picking up their final check and driving home.