Wednesday Jokes: October 9th

A former Drexel University professor spent $189,000 in federal grant money at Philadelphia strip clubs and sports bars. He was fired, but not before submitting his final research paper, ‘How $189,000 Will Still Not Get You Laid At Strip Clubs’. [story h/t to A.O.]

A 44-year-old woman gymnast from Uzbekistan is waiting to see if she qualifies for the 2020 Tokyo Summer Olympics. If her scores are good enough, then she waits to see if her fiber supplement is taken off the banned substances list.

Toys R Us is partnering with Target to launch a new toy shopping website. Since Toys R Us has no physical stores, toddlers and other small children are adjusting to throwing temper tantrums in front of a laptop or tablet.

Victoria’s Secret hired its first plus-size lingerie model, size 14 Ali Tate-Cutler. Cutler will model lingerie made in larger sizes, featuring the first bras and panties with pockets for snacks.

Ellen Degeneres is facing criticism for attending a Dallas Cowboys game with former President George W. Bush, including the risk of crashing Twitter under a tsunami of “Ellen likes Bush” jokes.

The Centers for Disease Control warned an American Airlines flight attendant may have exposed passengers to Hepatitis A – creating the fifth-most severe health risk faced by passengers on American Airlines flights.

Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz said that the Trump Impeachment Inquiry is a “Kangaroo Court” and that Democrat Adam Schiff is leading it like a “malicious Captain Kangaroo”. Said Captain Kangaroo from beyond the grave “I didn’t know I was a Congressman.”

Kylie Jenner and Travis Scott reportedly broke up because she wanted a second child together, and he did not want a seventh child.

Major League Baseball is sponsoring a Junior Home Run Derby, so kids can have another way to disappoint their Dads outside of Little League.

Rob Gronkowski is joining Fox Sports as an NFL Football analyst – to the delight of viewers who think halftime and postgame highlights shows are just too darned complicated.

 

 

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