Tuesday Jokes: January 7th

Dozens of people were killed in a stampede during a funeral procession for Maj. General Qassim Suleimani in Iran. Officials blamed the first-come, first-served post funeral buffet lunch.

Jury selection begins today in the Harvey Weinstein trial. The judge refused Weinstein’s request to interview prospective jurors in a hotel room wearing a bathrobe.

Zhenmeat, a Beijing start-up, is attempting to launch a meat-substitute business in China. starting with a plant-based pork substitute. They plan other products, but say it’s hard turning plants into chicken feet.

To combat ‘deepfake’ trickery, Facebook said it will remove videos that are heavily manipulated by artificial intelligence. Facebook will continue to allow videos that are manipulated by no intelligence.

7-Eleven terminated a franchise in Japan because the owner closed on New Year’s Day. 7-Eleven found out the franchisee closed after hearing local emergency rooms failed to see a single patient on January 1st who was food poisoned by microwave burritos.

A magnitude 6.4 earthquake struck Puerto Rico. President Trump is meeting with disaster response officials to ensure they have enough paper towels.

Owners of the Nintendo Switch gaming console filed a class action lawsuit, claiming the system’s controllers are defective. They’re seeking replacement controllers and compensation for the time-out they got for throwing a tantrum when they lost a game.

Amidst stories of predecessor Gregg Easterbrook flirting with female employees,  McDonald’s CEO Chris Kempczinski is taking steps to change the company’s party-like executive culture, starting by stripping Ronald of Chief Executive Clown status.

Samsung debuted a new TV that rotates to optimize vertical images and videos from smartphones. They say landscape mode is still optimal for looking at breast pics & videos, but that vertical is best for penises.

Pill bottles full of bedbugs were found in a Pennsylvania Walmart changing room. Police don’t know if it was an act of sabotage, or a botched delivery to the Mattress Firm next door.

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