Monday Jokes: April 20th

After closing for a month, Pennsylvania state liquor stores partially reopened for curbside pickup. Their top sellers are vodka, bourbon, and travel mugs for the drive home.

Burger chain Shake Shack returned $10 million it borrowed from a federal government program intended for small businesses, even though they said it was needed to buy extra beepers to cater White House state banquets.

IKEA shared the recipe for its famous meatballs, but people are disappointed they have to sit in a warming tray for two months in order to taste the same as they do at the store.

IKEA also is planning to reopen some of its European stores in May, which means you’ll be zipping through the checkout in June.

The WNBA New York Liberty selected Oregon’s Sabrina Ionescu first overall in Friday’s draft. Ionescu is expected to collect the biggest-ever payday for a WNBA rookie, just as soon as her $1,200 stimulus check arrives.

Google updated its Chrome browser with a new feature called Tab Groups, which lets you merge all of your open porn tabs into one.

Alicia Silverstone said her portrayal of Batgirl in ‘Batman and Robin’ was “not her favorite experience”, since she was body-shamed and called ‘Fatgirl’. She said the only experience worse than making the movie was having to watch it.

New technology in the upcoming Apple Watch 6 may use location data to prevent wearers from being attacked by sharks. It may also be able to alert sharks wearing Apple Watches to locations where swimmers aren’t wearing them.

The White House will use the Defense Production Act to increase the number of cotton swabs needed for coronavirus testing, but that it will take some time for the Q Tips to be rebranded as DT Tips.

The Disney Bedtime Hotline has reappeared so parents putting their kids to bed can hear a special message from their favorite Disney character. Although single male callers are disappointed that Disney Princesses will no longer tell them what they’re wearing.

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