Actress Cindy Williams, who played Shirley Feeney on Laverne & Shirley, passed away. She was predeceased by Penny Marshall, who played Laverne DeFazio. An OSHA investigation into asbestos contamination at Shotz Brewery is currently underway.

Tom Brady announced he’s retiring ‘for good’. To honor his contribution to the sport, The National Football League will assign him a personal valet to throw a yellow flag whenever someone bumps into him.

Nikki Haley announced her run for President. Until now ‘Nikki For President’ was just a failed Disney Channel pilot.

The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame announced its 2023 list of nominees. “A little bit of heartbreak, in my life” said Lou Bega.

A German woman found her lookalike online, then murdered her to fake her own death. The bad news is she got caught; the good news is the victim’s family gets the money for the Lifetime movie that was filmed in one week after the killing.

Ozzy Osbourne announced he’s retiring from touring. “What did he say?” replied everyone.

A couple abandoned their baby at Tel Aviv airport as they boarded a flight to Belgium. They wanted to preboard along with other travelers with small children, but said they didn’t realize the small children had to come with them.

Two-time WNBA champion and 2018 MVP Breanna Stewart, now a free agent, has narrowed her choices to her current team, the Seattle Storm, and the New York Liberty. She’s currently evaluating which team’s arena is closer to her job at Target.

The FBI is currently searching President Biden’s Rehoboth Beach, Delaware home in search of classified documents. They plan to resume the search on 4th of July weekend with help from their spouses and kids.

A six-year-old in Michigan playing on his father’s phone ordered about $1,000 in food deliveries from Grubhub. Drivers alerted cops after delivering the food and being tipped with Legos.

Superhero blockbuster film ‘The Batman‘ will not be released in Russia. Theatre owners there declared a war crime over the studio’s plan to replace it with showings of ‘Tyler Perry’s A Madea Homecoming‘.

Katy Perry walked off the set of American Idol in protest after Lionel Richie passed on sending Aretha Franklin’s granddaughter Grace to the next round of auditions. Instead of Grace getting his R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Richie socked it to her, socked it to her, socked it to her…

The WNBA fined the New York Liberty $500,000 for flying the team on charter aircraft, because all teams aren’t wealthy enough to afford it. Other teams use the league’s official airline, Spirit, and are required to serve drinks in-flight.

100 diplomats walked out of Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov’s speech to the United Nations in Geneva. They were protesting Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, and also heard lunch was ready.

The International Taekwando Federation stripped Vladimir Putin of his black belt following Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. North Korea’s Kim Jong Un said this does not affect their planned tag-team appearance at Ruthless Dictator Wrestlemania.

Tiny, autonomous two-wheeled robots made in Mexico will be sent to the Moon to study its surface and gather samples to see if areas can be mined for precious minerals. The robots will be identifiable by their Mexican flags, fuzzy dice and statue of Mary on the dashboard.

Negotiations continue between Major League Baseball owners and the MLB Players Union, with both sides hoping to reach a new working agreement, and avoid anyone actually having to watch USFL games instead.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said there isn’t room in the Republican Party for white supremacists. At least not until midterm election results come in for Mississippi, Alabama, and other southern states.

Hulk Hogan is now officially divorced from his second wife, Jennifer McDonald, who cited Irreconcilable Hulkamania.

A possible case of deer-to-human coronavirus transmission is being investigated in Canada, now that the couple is quarantining after their honeymoon.

The WNBA New York Liberty waived Layshia Clarendon, the league’s first trans & non-binary player. After being claimed off waivers, Clarendon now identifies as a Minnesota Lynx.

Fans have been banned for dumping popcorn, throwing a water bottle, and spitting on, players in Washington, Philadelphia and New York. The fans explained they behaved this way at NBA Playoff games because they couldn’t get NHL Playoff tickets.

Ben & Jerry’s still have not introduced their new CBD-infused ice cream. They say more consumer education is needed to keep people from trying to smoke it.

Kate Winslet said she told the director not to edit out her bulging belly during a sex scene in HBO series Mare Of Easttown. She also told the director not to listen to her male co-star, who asked for a 24-year-old body double for the scene.

Pope Francis has rewritten Catholic Church law regarding sexual abuse, insisting bishops take immediate action against priests who abuse minors and vulnerable adults. This replaces the Church’s existing ‘Twenty Strikes” rule for sex abuse.

China wants couples to have more kids. The government had restricted families to one child, but expanded that to three, saying all those iPhones and iPads aren’t going to build themselves.

World #2 tennis player Naomi Osaka withdrew from the French Open, citing anxiety and depression. Osaka plans to work through her faults.

UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson says he sees no evidence why England can’t reopen in June. Residents are excited to dine on terrible British food in restaurants so they don’t have to make it for themselves at home.

Tiger Woods said rehab from leg injuries suffered in a car crash is “more painful than anything I’ve ever experienced….including gonorrhea”.

A baseball player in the Dominican Republic was banned for life after attacking a home plate umpire with his bat and batting helmet. The player went 1-for-2, hitting the ump with the bat, but missing with the thrown helmet.

After closing for a month, Pennsylvania state liquor stores partially reopened for curbside pickup. Their top sellers are vodka, bourbon, and travel mugs for the drive home.

Burger chain Shake Shack returned $10 million it borrowed from a federal government program intended for small businesses, even though they said it was needed to buy extra beepers to cater White House state banquets.

IKEA shared the recipe for its famous meatballs, but people are disappointed they have to sit in a warming tray for two months in order to taste the same as they do at the store.

IKEA also is planning to reopen some of its European stores in May, which means you’ll be zipping through the checkout in June.

The WNBA New York Liberty selected Oregon’s Sabrina Ionescu first overall in Friday’s draft. Ionescu is expected to collect the biggest-ever payday for a WNBA rookie, just as soon as her $1,200 stimulus check arrives.

Google updated its Chrome browser with a new feature called Tab Groups, which lets you merge all of your open porn tabs into one.

Alicia Silverstone said her portrayal of Batgirl in ‘Batman and Robin’ was “not her favorite experience”, since she was body-shamed and called ‘Fatgirl’. She said the only experience worse than making the movie was having to watch it.

New technology in the upcoming Apple Watch 6 may use location data to prevent wearers from being attacked by sharks. It may also be able to alert sharks wearing Apple Watches to locations where swimmers aren’t wearing them.

The White House will use the Defense Production Act to increase the number of cotton swabs needed for coronavirus testing, but that it will take some time for the Q Tips to be rebranded as DT Tips.

The Disney Bedtime Hotline has reappeared so parents putting their kids to bed can hear a special message from their favorite Disney character. Although single male callers are disappointed that Disney Princesses will no longer tell them what they’re wearing.