The Big 10 and Pac 12 athletic conferences announced they won’t play football in Fall 2020 – leading to a panicked emergency Board of Directors meeting of the Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl.
Joe Biden picked Kamala Harris as his running mate, and will finally get to know what a part-Indian, part-Jamaican woman’s hair feels & smells like.
In a Tuesday radio interview, Donald Trump called NBA players “very nasty” and “very dumb” for kneeling during the national anthem to protest racial injustice – adding that he’s cancelled his plans to throw out the first pitch at an NBA game.
Laid-off hospitality workers protesting the lack of extended unemployment benefits set up makeshift soup kitchens outside the offices of Senators opposing $600/week payments. “I’ll have a large chicken noodle” said Mitch McConnell.
In a different interview Tuesday night with Sean Hannity, Trump once again railed against windmills, mourning birds that die because of them – presumably from cancer.
Ghislaine Maxwell’s attorneys are asking that she be moved out of solitary confinement, since it’s pretty hard to recruit teen convicts to give massages if you can’t talk to them.
A Chick-fil-A employee in Florida shared a ‘secret’ dessert item that combines their fresh fruit cup, soft-serve ice cream, and a milkshake. Customers are impressed, but still get the large waffle fries instead.
Six Jersey Shore beaches are under a swimming advisory because of high levels of fecal bacteria in the water. Local sharks admit they’re to blame for scaring swimmers.
Mossimo Giannulli and Lori Loughlin downsized from their Bel-Air mansion to a newly-constructed 11,758 square foot home. Instead of a fitness center with rowing machines, the new house has its own prison cell for home confinement.
A broken cable tore a 100-foot hole in one of the world’s largest telescopes, located in Puerto Rico. Crews estimate it will be several months before Puerto Rican scientists will once again be able to peek through the windows of Florida bathrooms.