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Donald Trump invited two Michigan Republican state legislators to the White House, presumably to try and overturn the state’s election results. They’ll dine on Big Macs while Trump serves them that Whopper.

Joe Biden was once again declared the winner of Georgia after the state hand-counted all of its ballots, and even some extra ones they were sent from New York.

A Long Island couple was identified after their 300-person October wedding turned into a COVID-19 superspreader event. 34 people were infected, and the rest were still pissed off about the cash bar.

The Centers for Disease Control recommended Americans not travel at all for Thanksgiving to limit exposure to COVID-19, and to their in-law’s disgusting side dishes.

Kyle Rittenhouse – the teenager accused of killing two people during demonstrations in Wisconsin – allegedly bought the AR-15 murder weapon with his $1,200 government stimulus check. He asked for more ammo in his letter to Santa.

Walmart released its Black Friday deals online – resulting in trampling injuries to multiple toothless hicks trying to be first to use the computer.

Priti Patel, an adviser to British Prime Minister Boris Johnson, has been accused of bullying her staff following a government inquiry. It’s so bad, they call her Ugli Patel.

Mossimo Giannulli reported for his five-month sentence in the college admissions scandal. He shaved his head before entering, presumably to get the first-ever Aunt Becky prison scalp tattoo.

Geraldo Rivera told Fox News he thinks the COVID-19 vaccine should be named after Trump. Asked which one, he said whichever one is injected against a person’s will.

BuzzFeed acquired HuffPost – leaving experts worried about more consolidation of sources of serious journalism.

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Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli will be sentenced today for their guilty pleas in the college admissions scandal. They’re hoping to get into country club prisons after sending the judge six-figure checks and photos of themselves playing golf.

The Centers for Disease Control released a study of ‘youthful behavior’, claiming U.S. teens are having unprotected sex, driving drunk and vaping. The study’s authors said it was the most fun they’ve had gathering data.

An alligator was photographed grabbing a golf ball with his mouth at Idlewild Golf Course in Patterson, Louisiana. He was removed for not wearing a collared shirt and pants.

Three states – Montana, West Virginia & Kentucky – will pay an extra $100 to bring weekly unemployment benefits to $400. The states agreed to the extra funds following an intense lobbying effort from meth dealers.

New Era Cap company withdrew its naming sponsorship of the Buffalo Bills stadium. With no current sponsor, they’ll call it Bills Stadium in September and October, and Frostbite Field after that.

A Philadelphia company is being sued by Pennsylvania’s attorney general for selling Purell hand sanitizer for $75 on the Amazon Marketplace. “Yeah, but what about the FREE shipping?!” replied their lawyer.

Germany is considering a law forcing dog owners to take their pups on two one-hour walks each day. Dog owners believe it’s excessive, as do dogs, who are worried about burning out sniffing so many butts and peeing on hydrants.

The Senate Intelligence Committee concluded Donald Trump had business partners in Russia tied to organized crime and human trafficking. They added it was pretty easy to make the connection, since the business was named Trump Humans.

Google Maps is updating their app with boundary lines for wildfires, which will also tell you how far it is to the nearest exploding gas station.

Thom Brennaman – broadcaster fired from his jobs with the Cincinnati Reds and Fox Sports – wrote in an op-ed for the Cincinnati Enquirer that he didn’t know the word “fag” was hate speech. He plans to start an organization promoting tolerance, which he’ll name the C*cksucker Foundation.

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The Big 10 and Pac 12 athletic conferences announced they won’t play football in Fall 2020 – leading to a panicked emergency Board of Directors meeting of the Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl.

Joe Biden picked Kamala Harris as his running mate, and will finally get to know what a part-Indian, part-Jamaican woman’s hair feels & smells like.

In a Tuesday radio interview, Donald Trump called NBA players “very nasty” and “very dumb” for kneeling during the national anthem to protest racial injustice – adding that he’s cancelled his plans to throw out the first pitch at an NBA game.

Laid-off hospitality workers protesting the lack of extended unemployment benefits set up makeshift soup kitchens outside the offices of Senators opposing $600/week payments. “I’ll have a large chicken noodle” said Mitch McConnell.

In a different interview Tuesday night with Sean Hannity, Trump once again railed against windmills, mourning birds that die because of them – presumably from cancer.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s attorneys are asking that she be moved out of solitary confinement, since it’s pretty hard to recruit teen convicts to give massages if you can’t talk to them.

A Chick-fil-A employee in Florida shared a ‘secret’ dessert item that combines their fresh fruit cup, soft-serve ice cream, and a milkshake. Customers are impressed, but still get the large waffle fries instead.

Six Jersey Shore beaches are under a swimming advisory because of high levels of fecal bacteria in the water. Local sharks admit they’re to blame for scaring swimmers.

Mossimo Giannulli and Lori Loughlin downsized from their Bel-Air mansion to a newly-constructed 11,758 square foot home. Instead of a fitness center with rowing machines, the new house has its own prison cell for home confinement.

A broken cable tore a 100-foot hole in one of the world’s largest telescopes, located in Puerto Rico. Crews estimate it will be several months before Puerto Rican scientists will once again be able to peek through the windows of Florida bathrooms.

 

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Dave Chappelle brought out Louis C.K. as a surprise guest at his comedy shows in Yellow Springs, Ohio – on the condition that Louis C.K. agreed not to bring out a surprise guest backstage.

Simon Cowell broke his back after falling off an electric bike at his home. Hearing the news, hundreds of former American Idol and America’s Got Talent contestants wondered if the bike was okay.

Fire consumed a house owned by Rachael Ray in upstate New York. Responders were able to contain the fire, but said the cookies had to be thrown out.

A former finance CEO – Douglas Hodge, 62 – convicted in the college admissions scandal said his sentence at upstate New York’s Otisville prison is “torture”. He then asked who he needs to pay six figures to get into a nicer prison.

Amazon is reportedly planning to use closed Sears and JC Penney stores as fulfillment centers. As practice for possible new jobs, shoppers are urinating in bottles and milk jugs as they shop at Sears and JC Penney.

Donald Trump reached out to the governor of South Dakota to inquire about adding his face to Mount Rushmore. Unfortunately, there isn’t enough sculptable rock, and the wind would keep blowing off the tumbleweed hair.

Ben & Jerry’s said partially-eaten ice cream pints should be stored upside-down to prevent ‘freezer burn’. Or, do what most people do and eat the whole thing at once.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s former personal assistant, Emmy Tayler, has reportedly left the U.K. following Maxwell’s arrest on sex abuse charges. Tayler is rumored to be in the Napa Valley learning to make wine in a toilet before visiting Maxwell in New York.

A distraught 24-year-old woman posted in a Reddit relationship forum that her husband  bought a used Taco Bell dining booth to put in his home office. She wrote that it isn’t the horrible design she finds most offensive, it’s the smell.

McDonald’s is suing its formerCEO Steve Easterbrook for lying to the board of directors about the sexual nature of his relationships with employees. Easterbrook’s lawyer claims he only kept it a secret because that’s the way Hamburglars like to operate.

 

 

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Pokemon Go will get ‘reality blending’ updates in June, where Pokemon can hide behind real life objects, and mug you to free the other Pokemon you’ve already captured.

Hertz Rental Car filed for bankruptcy. They blame low usage during the pandemic, and the inability to charge $6 for a gallon of gas.

A researcher in Japan created a lickable surface that can recreate almost any flavor without eating the associated food. It’s thought to be a game-changing breakthrough for both weight loss and oral sex.

NASA is scheduled to launch two American astronauts into space in a Tesla Falcon 9 rocket on Wednesday. They’re expected to arrive at the International Space Station after they circle the Earth a couple of times on the way looking for a recharging station.

Twitter labeled two of Donald Trump’s tweets “Potentially Misleading” in accordance with their new fact-checking policy. Twitter may skip reviewing individual tweets and just label Trump’s account “Totally Misleading”.

Chrissy Teigen told her 29 million Instagram followers that she’s getting her breast implants removed. She received over a million comments from creeps asking if they could have them.

Dairy Queen unveiled a vegan Dilly Bar — it’s non-dairy chocolate covering three brussels sprouts on a stick.

Ford created software for police cars that heat the interior to 133 degrees for 15 minutes to kill disease-causing germs. Cops can hit the switch, go sit in Dunkin Donuts for a while, then return to a disinfected car and a more cooperative perp in the backseat.

A judge refused to immediately accept Lori Loughlin’s guilty plea and prison term in the college admissions scandal, choosing instead to render his decision at a Very Special Sentencing Episode on August 21st.

City of Philadelphia officials are moving 50 to 100 homeless people from an unused baggage claim area at Philadelphia International Airport during the pandemic. The people will be bused to various locations, but somehow their bags ended up in Miami.

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Donald Trump explained his opposition to mail-in voting, saying “voting is an honor”. He added “there’s only one thing more important than honor…in ‘er.” [ED NOTE: This is an old street joke that I first saw when it was told in an interview by actor John Wayne.]

Lori Loughlin will plead guilty to fraud in the College Admissions Scandal. “Have mercy!” said her mullet-haired lawyer.

Johns Hopkins University researchers say the coronavirus has infected its 5 Millionth person, although they are baffled as to who should get the balloons and confetti.

Three people were shot near a reopened shopping & entertainment district in a suburb of Phoenix. Residents expressed relief that things are getting back to normal.

The Masked Singer crowned its new champion, Kandi Burruss – who said she’ll probably put her costume back on so people would know who the hell she is.

Todd Tilghman won The Voice. “Who’s Todd Tilghman?” asked Kandi Burruss.

Sylvester Stallone is hosting a ‘Rocky’ watch party on Facebook. The party will last four hours – 90 minutes for the movie, and 2 1/2 hours so a translator can decipher what Stallone is mumbling.

Experts say public swimming pools may be closed in areas with large numbers of COVID-19 cases. It’s either that, or kids drown when they struggle to breathe through a wet facemask.

An unnamed NFL player from New Jersey claims a female passenger on a United Airlines flight sexually assaulted him, repeatedly groping his thighs and crotch. The woman was moved to a different seat, where other male passengers fought to sit next to her.

A 43-year-old male nurse in San Francisco showed in before & after pics how a six-week battle with COVID-19 caused him to lose 50 pounds. After seeing the photos, Weight Watchers told its members coronavirus counts as zero points.

 

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President Trump cancelled his trip to Denmark because the Prime Minister rejected his offer to buy Greenland, and to avoid all of Denmark’s pesky cancer-causing windmills.

XFL, the new pro football league launching in February 2020, debuted its eight team names and logos, to the delight of children in destitute third-world nations who will be wearing licensed XFL apparel following the league’s April 2020 bankruptcy.

T-Mobile customers reported an outage lasting several hours, where calls and text messages failed. Most customers were angry, but loser guys liked having a few extra hours of hope that the hot girl might be trying to text them back.

Vast sections of the Amazon rainforest in South America are on fire. The lone bright spot amidst this environmental tragedy is seeing brave monkeys in firefighter outfits.

Lori Loughlin, awaiting trial in the Operation Varsity Blues college admission scandal, told a friend she thought a half-million dollar bribe was like donating for a library – whatever those are.

The U.S. Labor Department negatively revised jobs added from April 2018 to March 2019 by 500,000. They say the number was right at the time, but a half-million people realized how badly they were getting ripped off delivering for Grubhub & Doordash.

Larry King’s wife Shawn, responding to his divorce filing, will not contest it, saying “I’m not going to fight a dying man” – adding it’s easier to take money off a dead man.

Former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer is considered a longshot to win Dancing With the Stars. This, despite his extensive experience dancing around the truth.

MoviePass exposed thousands of unencrypted credit card numbers to potential hackers. Although subscribers are more worried about others finding out they went to see ‘Dora And The Lost City Of Gold’ without children.

Russia launched a humanoid robot to the International Space Station as part of a test program for a new transport rocket. Fedor the Robot can’t wait to get to the space station to hijack it and murder all of the other astronauts.

 

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Twitter released its redesigned site for desktop computers. You can now choose traditional blue & white or other color schemes to read everything that pisses you off.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics released a map showing the job with the highest-paying average annual salary in each state. Congratulations to West Virginia heroin dealers.

David Liddle was arrested near Taylor Swift’s Rhode Island home carrying a baseball bat, lock picks, a crowbar and other tools. He told police he knew her and was planning a visit. Swift later asked cops if they’d seen a guy dropping off her baseball bat and crowbar.

President Trump is seeking to reduce the number of Americans who qualify for food stamps, claiming millionaires are obtaining and abusing them, and that you can’t use them on Big Macs, anyway.

GNC is closing 900 stores, so start finding a website for all that protein you’ll need to stay jacked, bra’.

It was revealed that Neil Armstrong’s family was paid $6 million by the hospital performing his 2012 heart surgery to settle medical malpractice claims. According to his children, it was one small step for justice, one giant leap to the Porsche dealership.

Three adults were charged for their roles in the violent fistfight at Disneyland’s Toontown captured on video this month. They are set to appear in Toontown Family Court.

A Georgia woman who claimed she got cold french fries at McDonald’s took them back to the counter, then fired a handgun in to the kitchen floor. She received a refund on the fries but was still charged for a salt.

Lifetime is turning the Operation Varsity Blues college admissions scandal into a made-for-cable movie. Producers are worried that if they cast Candace Cameron Buré as Lori Loughlin, the entire cable tv system will collapse in on itself like a black hole.

‘El Chapo’ Guzman told a judge prior to his sentencing to life plus 30 years that harsh prison conditions are causing him harm. The judge then ordered him to Supermax for the life sentence, and said he’d consider somewhere nicer for the ‘plus 30 years’ part.

 

 

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New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft filed a motion to prevent the release of surveillance video of him engaged in sex acts in a Florida massage parlor. Meanwhile, after further review, the NFL replay official confirmed holding below the waist.

The two Boeing 737 MAX 8 jets operated by Lion Air and Ethiopian Airlines, each involved in fatal crashes, were sold without optional safety features that let pilots see the plane was in danger. The feature is called a “windshield”.

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Fox News’ Brian Kilmeade both called for President Trump to stop his insults of deceased Senator John McCain. Trump said he’s only counterpunching insults he hears from McCain during Executive Time.

Lori Loughlin’s daughter, Olivia Jade Giannulli, reportedly didn’t fill out her own college applications. Forensics experts reached the conclusion when verifying her signatures on the applications, where none of the ‘i’s were dotted with hearts or smiley faces.

A 10-foot long alligator was spotted swimming in water behind a woman’s home in Cape Coral, Florida. April is alligator ‘courtship’ season, where they search for partners prior to the May mating season. The woman said she’d like to get to know the gator better before making that commitment.

A new study finds strawberries, spinach and kale contain the highest levels of pesticide residue. Consumers intend to keep eating strawberries, and use the study as a lifelong rationale for not eating the other two.

Costco shoppers in California are posting photos of giant, 2-to-7 pound lobster claws being sold there. Back in the ocean, giant clawless lobsters are getting their tails kicked.

Excessively hot tea is being linked to esophageal cancer. A study followed 50,000 tea drinkers in a remote province of Iran and found nearly 400 had developed cancer. Critics point out that Iranian tea is made by steeping tobacco leaves in boiling puddle water.

Olive Garden posted a solid jump in sales. They attribute the growth to emphasizing classic Italian dishes, which they’ve always avoided making.

The United Nations released their annual ranking of 156 countries based on levels of ‘happiness’. The United States’ happiness ranking fell for the third straight year, and now sits at #19.  “Take that!” said 18th ranked Syria.