Thursday Jokes: August 20th

Chipotle employees made a behind-the-scenes video, sharing the recipe and preparation of their cilantro/lime rice. It’s so simple, Taco Bell is showing the video to the mice in their kitchen so they can make it.

An Ellen Degeneres tweet from 2009 resurfaced, where she says she “made an employee cry like a baby” and it “felt good”. As it turns out, the employee cried because Ellen surprised her with a cruise…to the unemployment office.

With Sturgis Motorcycle Rally over, the city of Sturgis will begin mass testing of city workers, first responders and others for COVID-19, and will throw in a gonorrhea test for free.

The COVID-19 pandemic is creating a trend of working mothers quitting their jobs to stay home with their kids. Enterprising kids are training their moms with new skills to get them back out of the house so they can be alone again.

The Florida Keys will release 750 million genetically-modified male mosquitoes in the hope of eradicating females that carry diseases like zika and dengue fever. The females die when the see the males’ tiny gold chains and smell Drakkar Noir.

The Cincinnati Reds suspended broadcaster Thom Brennaman after he was caught on a live mic calling an unknown area “the f#g capital of the world”. Brennaman apologized and left midgame, and the Reds switchboard was bombarded with calls from people wanting to know where to visit the capital.

Former White House adviser Steve Bannon was arrested & charged with defrauding donors to the ‘Build The Wall’ campaign. Bannon will claim that he did, indeed, use donations to build a wall around his new pool.

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft won his latest appeal to supress video evidence in his prositution case in Florida. In a one-word opinion, the presiding judge wrote “gross”.

Marijuana vending machines debuted in Colorado. Long lines formed as stoners took forever smoothing out $1 bills.

Two giant gold nuggets worth $250,000 were found in Australia. Rapper L’il Wayne is waiting for the prospectors to find two more so they can be made into his new grill.

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