Friday Jokes: August 21st

Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli will be sentenced today for their guilty pleas in the college admissions scandal. They’re hoping to get into country club prisons after sending the judge six-figure checks and photos of themselves playing golf.

The Centers for Disease Control released a study of ‘youthful behavior’, claiming U.S. teens are having unprotected sex, driving drunk and vaping. The study’s authors said it was the most fun they’ve had gathering data.

An alligator was photographed grabbing a golf ball with his mouth at Idlewild Golf Course in Patterson, Louisiana. He was removed for not wearing a collared shirt and pants.

Three states – Montana, West Virginia & Kentucky – will pay an extra $100 to bring weekly unemployment benefits to $400. The states agreed to the extra funds following an intense lobbying effort from meth dealers.

New Era Cap company withdrew its naming sponsorship of the Buffalo Bills stadium. With no current sponsor, they’ll call it Bills Stadium in September and October, and Frostbite Field after that.

A Philadelphia company is being sued by Pennsylvania’s attorney general for selling Purell hand sanitizer for $75 on the Amazon Marketplace. “Yeah, but what about the FREE shipping?!” replied their lawyer.

Germany is considering a law forcing dog owners to take their pups on two one-hour walks each day. Dog owners believe it’s excessive, as do dogs, who are worried about burning out sniffing so many butts and peeing on hydrants.

The Senate Intelligence Committee concluded Donald Trump had business partners in Russia tied to organized crime and human trafficking. They added it was pretty easy to make the connection, since the business was named Trump Humans.

Google Maps is updating their app with boundary lines for wildfires, which will also tell you how far it is to the nearest exploding gas station.

Thom Brennaman – broadcaster fired from his jobs with the Cincinnati Reds and Fox Sports – wrote in an op-ed for the Cincinnati Enquirer that he didn’t know the word “fag” was hate speech. He plans to start an organization promoting tolerance, which he’ll name the C*cksucker Foundation.

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