Domino’s added chicken taco pizza to their menu. They say it’s for customers who want to eat pizza, but stil feel like they got sick from Mexican food.

Melania Trump addressed the Republican National Convention, saying Americans “deserve total honesty” from a president. Donald Trump then congratulated her on the great speech she totally wrote by herself because he loves her for her brain.

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo gave a prerecorded RNC speech from a diplomatic visit to Jerusalem. “Good evening. Man. There are a LOT of Jews here..” he said.

Jerry Falwell Jr. resigned as president of Liberty University amidst a sex scandal. He’ll receive a $10.5 million buyout and a new pool boy.

After spending 92 years on the index, Exxon Mobil stock was removed from the Dow Jones Industrial Average, as its earnings ran out of gas.

Elon Musk is promising a demo of a ‘Neuralink’ – believed to be a way of controlling machines with brain waves. After the demo, preorders for Neuralink-enabled love dolls open up on the Tesla online store.

A new study recommends that people with a positive COVID-19 diagnosis stop exercising for two weeks. “I better get tested” said a 450-pound person on their couch.

Britney Spears’ kid sister, Jamie Lynn, is now a trustee to the conservatorship that controls Britney’s finances. Jamie Lynn said she plans to responsibly steer more of the investments toward shoes and cute tops.

The NFL is reexamining 77 players’ COVID-19 tests from a New Jersey lab after a rash of false positives. Results are slow in coming, because after each, an NFL official flips on a mic and announces “after further review..”.

Sean Connery turned 90. He had a glass of Metamucil “shaken, not stirred”, so it was incredibly lumpy.