Thursday Jokes: October 29th

Comcast announced a record 633,00 new high-speed internet customers in the 3rd quarter of 2020, leading to their hiring a record 4 new customer service representatives to assist them.

The first U.S. nest of 98 ‘murder hornets’ was found in Washington state. 85 were killed and 13 were captured alive, following a tense standoff where beekeepers fired over 200 cans of Raid.

The Bachelorette‘ Clare Crawley was criticized for a group date segment where men competing for her affection played ‘strip dodgeball’. Crawley did not participate, but did admit to getting hit by multiple participants’ balls.

Fox is launching ‘The Masked Singer‘ spinoff series ‘The Masked Dancer’. Then they’ll launch another spinoff, ‘The Masked Murderer’, where panelists try to guess which costumed celebrity is O.J. Simpson.

Scientists discovered a new ‘proto planet’ made entirely of iron & nickel worth ten thousand quadrillion dollars. Now they just need several thousand years to get the strip mining equipment to it and cash in.

Astronomers from multiple countries compiled their most detailed “family portrait” of black holes to date. The astronomers are struggling to communicate how many black holes are in it without making porn puns.

White House insiders claim Donald Trump is abandoning CDC COVID-19 guidelines to focus on so-called ‘herd immunity’ – starting by ‘immunizing’ young female interns who brought him Big Macs after he got out of the hospital.

Khloe Kardashian revealed she contracted COVID-19, although some are saying she did it on purpose to promote the new season of ‘Revenge Body with Khloe Kardashian: Pandemic Edition’.

A new study finds that immunity to COVID-19 lasts for months – mostly because nobody wants to get anywhere near you.

Jack Nicklaus endorsed Donald Trump because he’s used to letting Trump think he can win.

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