A Russian oligarch called “Sausage King” was killed with a crossbow in his home sauna during a robbery. The first detective arriving on the scene guessed Professor Plum, with the carving knife, in the sauna, and lost the game of Russian Clue.

Lori Loughlin began serving her two-month sentence. She’ll remain in isolation for two weeks, then head straight to wardrobe for the now-sold-out prison Christmas Pageant.

Researchers believe Neanderthals and early humans were at war for over 100,000 years, as evidenced by newly-uncovered Neanderthal flags reading “Make Eurasia Great Again”.

Humans infected with COVID-19 take up to six months to develop immune cells to fight the virus. The immune cells would work faster, but they say it’s not like humans have any big plans anyway.

NASA sent commands to the Voyager 2 unmanned spacecraft – 11 billion miles from Earth – for the first time since its radio & antenna hardware were upgraded. Voyager 2 successfully replied “New phone who dis?”.

Researchers studying 900 of Van Gogh’s letters think he suffered from bipolar and borderline personality disorder, and delirium from alcohol withdrawal. One letter from his brother read “thanks for wrecking Thanksgiving dinner AGAIN, Vince”.

Many states have restrictions against apparel bearing campaign slogans at voting places. One exception is Mississippi, where you get the VIP treatment if you wear both a shirt and pants.

Beverly Hills, California is mobilizing its entire police force to combat Election Day violence. Critics say it’s unnecessary, and will actually contribute to crimes from people who just want to ride in the back of a Bentley patrol car.

A developer purchased Jeffrey Epstein’s Palm Beach, Florida residence for $18 million, but plans to tear it down and build a new mansion. He’s giving Donald Trump and Bill Clinton thirty days to get their stuff out.

Electronics maker Wyze introduced a new high-definition video camera that costs just $20. It received Editors Choice awards from tech website CNET, and from the editor of Creepy High School Janitor magazine.