Tuesday Jokes: April 27th

Tiger Woods posted his first selfie since his car accident. Doctors performed multiple surgeries to repair his shattered lower leg, including the insertion of a metal rod with a flag on it.

Joe Biden plans to establish a $15/hour minimum wage for federal contractors. “Woof! Woof!” said Champ & Major, who each blew their first day’s pay on Pupperoni.

Co-host Carrie Anne Inaba is taking a leave of absence from The Talk to focus on her health. Apparently she doesn’t want to talk about it.

Results of the 2020 Census place the U.S. population at 331 million people, none of whom feel the need to retweet one of my jokes.

The CDC will share new guidance on wearing masks outdoors, an announcement eagerly anticipated by socially responsible bears.

An 81-year-old man – the sole resident of the remote Italian Isle of Budelli since 1989 -is being forced to leave, since the Italian government is converting his hut into a Starbucks.

A giant alligator was spotted walking through the parking lot of a Publix supermarket in North Ft Myers, Florida. No one was injured, and the alligator did not enter the store, since it forgot its shoppers club card.

Microsoft restored service to Microsoft Teams productivity & online meeting software following an outage. The outage was detected after multiple companies reported thousands of employees having a really great day and getting things done.

Eastern and Midwest U.S. states are nearing the time when Brood X cicadas emerge for the first time in 17 years. They’re expected to fly around, ask you to Like their new Facebook Pages, then die.

Apple is spending $1 billion to build a campus in North Carolina that will employ 3,000 people. In other news, 3,000 kids in North Carolina just dropped out of junior high.

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