Microsoft laid off hundreds of workers across multiple product departments, including Microsoft Cut From The Teams and Microsoft Bleak Outlook.

Actress and multiple sclerosis advocate Selma Blair retired from ABC’s Dancing With The Stars after MRIs found too much stress on her bones. Earlier, reality tv hag and ex-convict Teresa Giudice was released from the show after both MRIs & judges discovered two left feet.

Pop-punk band Blink 182’s Mark Hoppus said he tried buying tickets to his own band’s reunion tour but couldn’t, because Ticketmaster’s dynamic pricing algorithm wouldn’t let him complete the sale. He received an error message stating that he blinked and missed Blink.

Pete Davidson is reportedly texting Kim Kardashian for a “thoughtful reason” – seeing that she’s okay amidst Kanye’s latest meltdowns, and because he ‘thought’ she might still reply with nudes.

A 33-year-old woman hoping to promote women’s contributions to science created over 1,000 Wikipedia biographies for “unknown female scientists”. Not surprisingly, they’re all still unknown.

Etsy is actively selling Jeffrey Dahmer-themed apparel with slogans life ‘Jeff Boyardee’ and ‘Choke Me Like Bundy, Eat Me Like Dahmer’. This creates a conflict because, while the items are tasteless, they’re actually some of the only Etsy merchandise people want to get as gifts.

Drew Barrymore said that she’s “not a person who needs sex”, leading to several male & female interns on her talk show quitting.

The Catholic Church’s Diocese of Chicago asked Rev. Michael Pfleger to resign after another allegation of sexual misconduct surfaced from over 40 years ago. Pfleger said he’d think about it and make a decision after the annual altar boy fall picnic.

A Philadelphia Eagles fan snuck into the on-field tunnel and ran on to the field with the team ahead of their game against the Dallas Cowboys. Players thought he was a Make-A-Wish recipient, but he was even more drunk than most Make-A-Wish kids.

Donald Trump allegedly showed a classified letter from Kim Jong Un to a journalist, setting off an investigation to his handling of documents. Although in Trump’s defense, the journalist wondered why Korean barbecue recipes were classified.

Congress approved a bill to make Juneteenth – June 19th, a day marking the end of slavery – a federal holiday, as multiple Republicans tried, and failed, to do the same for Jansixth.

Gay soccer star Megan Rapinoe was hired to promote Victoria’s Secret as part of their rebrand – so now we all know what Victoria’s secret was.

The Philadelphia 76ers blew a 20-point lead for the second straight time, losing to the Atlanta Hawks in Game 5 of their playoff series. Philadelphia fans threw batteries at the team, then the Sixers threw them back and missed.

Southern Baptists elected Ed Litton as their conference President, who’s viewed as a ‘centrist’ because he promotes racial justice, while still hating queers.

Angelina Jolie reportedly got a ‘meaningful new tattoo’ – which reminds her what all of her other, less meaningful, tattoos are supposed to mean.

Fishermen near New Jersey’s Seaside Heights Pier caught a great white shark, which was then won by a kid playing a ring toss game.

The world’s third-largest diamond was reportedly unearthed near Botswana. Google suffered a brief outage as all the world’s rappers and the Kardashian family simultaneously searched ‘Where Is Botswana’?

Asked about privacy in a new interview, Apple CEO Tim Cook called it “a fundamental human right”. Asked about more durable glass on iPhones, Cook called it “a much lower priority than privacy”.

Microsoft Teams is doubling the maximum number of on-screen videoconference participants from 49 to 98. This makes it more likely you can see video of CNN’s Jeffrey Toobin masturbating, but tougher to actually tell what he’s doing.

Ricky Schroder protested outside a Foo Fighters concert in Agoura Hills, California, because attendance required proof of vaccination. Schroeder then left for a Toby Keith concert which required proof of gun ownership and dropping out of junior high.

Tiger Woods posted his first selfie since his car accident. Doctors performed multiple surgeries to repair his shattered lower leg, including the insertion of a metal rod with a flag on it.

Joe Biden plans to establish a $15/hour minimum wage for federal contractors. “Woof! Woof!” said Champ & Major, who each blew their first day’s pay on Pupperoni.

Co-host Carrie Anne Inaba is taking a leave of absence from The Talk to focus on her health. Apparently she doesn’t want to talk about it.

Results of the 2020 Census place the U.S. population at 331 million people, none of whom feel the need to retweet one of my jokes.

The CDC will share new guidance on wearing masks outdoors, an announcement eagerly anticipated by socially responsible bears.

An 81-year-old man – the sole resident of the remote Italian Isle of Budelli since 1989 -is being forced to leave, since the Italian government is converting his hut into a Starbucks.

A giant alligator was spotted walking through the parking lot of a Publix supermarket in North Ft Myers, Florida. No one was injured, and the alligator did not enter the store, since it forgot its shoppers club card.

Microsoft restored service to Microsoft Teams productivity & online meeting software following an outage. The outage was detected after multiple companies reported thousands of employees having a really great day and getting things done.

Eastern and Midwest U.S. states are nearing the time when Brood X cicadas emerge for the first time in 17 years. They’re expected to fly around, ask you to Like their new Facebook Pages, then die.

Apple is spending $1 billion to build a campus in North Carolina that will employ 3,000 people. In other news, 3,000 kids in North Carolina just dropped out of junior high.

Rapper Bobby Shmurda, imprisoned for six years on gang-related charges, was denied Shparole.

An executive at the Centers for Disease Control said they’ve “never seen morale this low” as Trump confounds their COVID-19 efforts; then added hope that a totally new killer disease comes along to distract everyone and cheer them up.

A grizzly bear mauled a hunter to death in an Alaska state park. Late in the 3rd quarter of 2020, the Bears still trail the Hunters, 57-1.

Microsoft Teams is enhancing its virtual workplace environments, adding breakout rooms, virtual coffee shops, new backgrounds – and empty offices where coworkers can have cybersex.

Time Magazine released its 2020 list of the World’s 100 Most Influential People. Once again, Carrot Top did not make it.

Johnson & Johnson’s COVID-19 vaccine made it to Phase 3 clinical trials. They’re calling it ‘No More Ventilators’.

41 razor blades were placed on playground equipment in a Michigan park, in a deliberate attempt to cause harm to children. Officials say this has caused only a slight increase in monkey-bar-related lacerations.

Garmin released new ‘rearview radar’ devices for bicyclists, designed to alert them when cars are approaching from behind. Future models may add cameras so the coroner can see which car ran you over.

Disneyland Resort in California is opening a community COVID-19 testing site. For $100, you can have breakfast and your choice of Snow White, Ariel or Cinderella will stick a cotton swab up your nose.

Convicted felon Lori Loughlin will get to serve her upcoming two-month sentence at a prison of her choice. She’s currently deciding between a minimum-security facility, or the waiting room at the Los Angeles Department of Motor Vehicles.

Australian scientists warn against “bare bottom farting” due to potential spread of aerosolized feces containing coronavirus. Their claim was made from the most unpleasant research laboratory in the country. [story h/t to J.O.]

The United States is monitoring intelligence that Kim Jong Un is in severely failing health following surgery. North Korea’s state news agency reported the firing squad death of the country’s top liposuction doctor.

Officials from Disney World have joined a Florida task force to reopen the state economy. The benefit of their participation is in question, since they aren’t allowed to speak and can only pose for pictures.

A woman in a wheelchair is suing Disney World, saying she was injured on the park’s ‘Frozen’ ride – claiming she’s now Frozen stiff.

The Buffalo Bills are one of three NFL teams holding virtual workouts for draft prospects. The prospects call the virtual workouts “the best way to visit Buffalo”.

Tom Brady was asked to leave a closed public park in Tampa where he was exercising. Tampa police thanked anonymous tipster “Bill B” for the video surveillance.

A Texas emergency room doctor is self-quarantining in his kids’ backyard treehouse. So far, a dozen patients died because he couldn’t be reached via the tin can with a string on it.

Some concert goers are mad because they hold tickets to concerts designated as “postponed” instead of “cancelled”, so they can’t get refunds. “I need that money for chicken nuggets and juice boxes, goddamnit” said a Wiggles fan.

Senior citizens collecting Social Security via direct deposit can expect to see their government stimulus money this week, followed by their first-ever video calls from grandchildren asking to borrow it.

An animal sancutary in California lets companies pay for farm animals to join video business meetings. Workers say the animals’ presence is relaxing, and three separate goats say they’ve been offered executive positions at cable & internet companies. [story h/t to E.K.]

Verizon is launching a new tool to remotely troubleshoot technical issues in your home without a service technican visit. They’re calling it The Phone.

Amazon hired 100,000 new workers in the last four weeks and are planning to add another 75,000 to replace three-quarters of the first 100,000 that died of exhaustion.

Wildfires have engulfed the area surrounding Chernobyl, threatening extinction to the area’s indigenous two-headed animals.

George Stephanopolous has been diagnosed with COVID-19, or Stephanopoloronaviralous.

NFL staffs will have a practice draft this week in preparation for next week’s official online NFL Draft. They’ll utilize Microsoft Teams; they’d planned to use Zoom but Brett Favre kept crashing the meetings to show his penis.

Bernie Sanders endorsed Joe Biden for President, saying he places his full support behind the guy with whom he shares about one thing in common, sort of.

Deadly tornadoes devastated areas throughout the South and East. Donald Trump plans to tour the area via a GoPro drone with a MAGA cap on it.

Burger King is offering free Whoppers to students who solve a daily math problem. Then, it’s up to their parents to solve the weight gain and blood pressure problems.

Australia has its first ‘stool bank’, where people can get $25 donating healthy stool samples used in transplants to correct digestive disorders. Donors are given a battery of tests, frustrating the efforts of enterprising dogs looking to get Snausage money.

Police in Indonesia’s central Java province employ residents dressed in white sheets as ghosts – ‘pochong’ – to spook people into staying home at night during the coronavirus outbreak. Then they spend the day spooking workers into extending their shifts at the Nike factory.