A man remains at large after stabbing a security guard at a NYC Apple Store. The attack was captured on store security, but not by any of the dozen-or-so dopes standing around holding iPhones.

Police in suburban Philadelphia arrested 6 people, charged with selling cocaine out of ambulances. Cops noticed a spike in 911 calls asking for rides to raves and music festivals.

Alabama school employee Martha Pope, 43, was charged with having sex with a 16-year-old male student. Or, as it’s known in Alabama high schools, “health class”.

A Manhattan entrepreneur who hired a woman as a live-in assistant was arrested for placing hidden cameras in her bedroom and bathroom, then tried to blame his 10-year-old son. “Not only did I not do it, he wouldn’t even let me watch the video!” said the 10-year-old.

A man & woman, Philadelphia Eagles fans, were removed from the Carolina Panthers stadium after having sex in a men’s room stall during last Sunday’s game. It didn’t last long, since the man only made it to the L in the E-A-G-L-E-S chant before finishing.

LinkedIn is shutting down its China website, after crashing the Internet sending billions of notifications telling people to congratulate factory employees celebrating work anniversaries.

Ghost Robotics, a robot maker for the military, showed off the new Q-UGV, a robot dog equipped with a gun. “No, YOU sit” said the robot.

A stuntman inverted in a straitjacket was smashed between two exploding cars in a stunt gone wrong on the new ‘America’s Got Talent: Extreme‘. He was rushed to a trauma unit after receiving the show’s first-ever Golden Medivac.

Gay comic Hannah Gadsby – responding to Netflix CEO Ted Sarandos defending Dave Chappelle’s recent special – said she takes sh*ts with more backbone than Sarandos. Gadsby is currently recovering from rectal reconstruction surgery.

NBA Brooklyn Nets guard Kyrie Irving refuses to get the COVID-19 vaccine, the first shot in his life he wouldn’t consider taking.