Shares of Peloton stock tumbled as the company revealed it’s halting production of exercise bikes & treadmills for several months. However, online classes remain full, as discarded equipment in landfills is a hit with overweight bears & raccoons.

A new report from the World Health Federation claims no amount of alcohol is good for the heart – a study disputed by writers of country songs.

Mars, Incorporated said its animated M&Ms characters will become “more inclusive”. Peanut now identifies as Plain.

A Rhode Island man who faked his own death to flee a rape charge was apprehended in the U.K. He’ll be returned to the U.S. alive, but in a coffin.

The power of Tonga’s volcanic eruption and tsunami may dwarf that of nuclear weapons, according to experts. North Korea’s Kim Jong Un announced he’s successfully designed and tested a volcano.

Instagram is testing paid subscriptions for content, with prices ranging from 99 cents/month to watch Kim Kardashian have sex, to $100/month to keep from seeing anything any Kardashian or Jenner does.

Rocker Meat Loaf passed away. No autopsy is planned, but a funeral home worker discovered he was marked ‘Best by 1/19/22’.

The North Penn School District outside of Philadelphia is investigating a video of a teacher taping a mask to an unruly student’s face. If he’s fired, United and American Airlines each plan to offer him a job as a flight attendant.

New York City’s new mayor received his first paycheck in Bitcoin and Ethereum cryptocurencies. “Hope it works out better for him” said dozens of the city’s panhandlers who’ve been fooled by this payment method.

‘Tiger King’ zoo owner Jeff Lowe is moving his big cat zoo to Mexico after it was banned in the U.S., although he may bring the tigers back to the states occasionally with balloons full of heroin in their rectums.

Motley Crue is commemorating their 40th Anniversary as a band with a remastered edition of 1987’s ‘Girls, Girls, Girls’. But since the record is 34 years old, they’re calling it ‘MILFs, MILFs, MILFs’.

Target will no longer sell Pokemon and sports trading cards in-store after a rash of fistfights over the cards. Wimpy kids can still buy cards in other stores, and hiring Pokemon trainers to help them win the fights.

Bill Gates told friends at his golf club that he was in a “loveless” marriage. Luckily, he also loves money.

The CDC’s new guidance says that fully-vaccinated Americans can now safely go without a face mask indoors in most places. A heart surgeon removed his mask and his bubble gum fell into the chest of a patient on the operating table.

Doctors at the Cleveland Clinic say coffee helps protect the liver. They recommend Irish coffee so the alcohol and coffee can keep the liver busy.

The CEO of the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame defended the Hall against criticism that only two true “metal” bands – Metallica and Black Sabbath – are inducted. He said more metal bands will be inducted in the future, but still isn’t holding out much hope for Faster Pussycat.

Writings from John F. Kennedy to a Swedish mistress sold for $88,000. Written in 1955 & 1956, the collection contains one full handwritten letter, and two notes asking “U up?”

A health care system in Ireland shut down after becoming the latest victim of a ransomware attack. Or, as it’s known in Ireland, McRansomware.

A cat jumped from the fifth floor of a burning building in Chicago and landed on the ground, unharmed. The cat decided to jump because of the fire, and because there wasn’t anything to eat.

Big-cat advocate & ‘Tiger King’ subject Carole Baskin is offering a $5,000 reward for the return of a tiger missing in the Houston area. Local deer have pitched in to increase the reward to $10,000.

Camden, Arkansas police officer LC ‘Buckshot’ Smith is 91 years old and has no plans to retire. He drives an unmarked police car, or at least that’s what they told him after they took the Paw Patrol decals off of it.

Wheel of Fortune’s Pat Sajak may have made a suggestive remark when a woman asked for a ‘D’ during the show, replying “she wants a D and she’s going to get one”. Sajak defended his comment, since she solved the puzzle: I WANT THAT DICK.

Tiger King’s Joe Exotic and his husband are getting a divorce after three years of marriage, citing Joe’s imprisonment and the inability to have conjungle visits.

A new study reports wine tasters give higher ratings to wine if they’ve been told it costs more. The research followed 200 hoboes, half of whom were told Thunderbird cost $4 instead of $2.

The Ever Given, a freight ship stuck in the Suez Canal for days, was finally freed by a high tide. However, several smaller ships drowned in the subsequent rip current.

Research following 20,000 adults aged 20 & over finds frequent consumption of restaurant meals increases the likelihood of early death. And by ‘early death’ they mean Wendy’s & McDonald’s breakfast.

A serial killer on Indiana’s death row died of brain cancer in a hospital. His doctors were unsuccessful treating him with 2,500 volts of radiation.

A researcher used an artificial intelligence text-generating tool to write pickup lines. Most are terrible, but some are good enough that manufacturers are making talking vibrators.

When the NFL Draft starts on April 29th, consensus #1 pick Trevor Lawrence won’t be there in person. Lawrence will watch at home, as will many other top picks once they remember it’s happening in Cleveland.

Dick’s Sporting Goods is opening Dick’s House of Sports in Rochester, NY – billed as their first “experiential, hands-on” store. Staff turnover has been challenging due to the nonstop procession of shoppers asking if “this is the hands-on Dicks. “

Paleontologists say they’ve discovered the first preserved dinosaur butthole. They describe it as “unique”, “perfect”, and “tough enough to withstand the 10-foot long backbones of the other dinosaurs it ate”.

Donald Trump gave his final goodbye speech, telling a small crowd of supporters that he’ll be “back in some form”. Las Vegas oddsmakers believe that form will be either “convicted felon” or “bipedal lizard”.

Federal investigators added two more charges to Riley June Williams, the woman accused of stealing Nancy Pelosi’s laptop. Video evidence was provided by Williams’ ex-boyfriend, who will be the first person to collect reward money for online stalking.

Pfizer told Canada it won’t receive any shipments of COVID-19 vaccines next week, since it needs more time to make them maple flavored.

Alec Baldwin left Twitter, making his portrayal of Donald Trump more accurate.

Warner Brothers announced a ‘prequel’ to ‘Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory’, to be released in 2023, called ‘Willy Wonka, Dwarf Collector‘.

Indianapolis Colts QB Philip Rivers announced his retirement after 17 NFL seasons, saying it’s safe to do so now that his 9 kids are all out of diapers.

A new study finds residents of multi-unit dwellings are more likely to contract COVID-19 – especially if the multi-unit dwelling has “senior” or “nursing” in its name.

Ivanka Trump wrote a self-congratulatory farewell letter to Washington, claiming she’d come there to “fight for American families” – specifically, the Trumps and Kushners.

Of the 100+ pardons issued by President Trump, there was none for ‘Tiger King’ Joe Exotic, or ‘Lawyer King’ Rudy Eccentric.

The Department of Justice is investigating whether White House staff were bribed in exchange for Presidential pardons. They won’t say by who, but two bengal tigers are appearing at the White House Christmas Party.

Actor Ellen Page announced he is transgender and will be known as Elliott Page from now on. He said he did it to live as his authentic self, and for the 30% pay raise.

A California court told Dr. Dre to reveal his finances as part of ongoing divorce proceedings, or face $100,000 in fines. Dre said his accountant needs more time to relabel hundreds of expense entries currently categorized as “ho’s”.

Irene Bedard, the actress who voiced Pocahontas in the Disney animated film, was arrested two times for disorderly conduct while allegedly drunk. She was released into the custody of caring woodland creatures.

Apple released its annual list of Apps & Games of the Year – led by ‘The Ones That Make Us The Most Money’.

New York eatery The Meatball Shop is suing Jersey Shore’s Snooki and Deena, saying they stole trademarks for the sale of their own Meatball Squad merchandise. The lawsuit will likely be settled with an out-of-court sit-down.

On Monday night, stargazers witnessed a Beaver Full Moon, named by Native Americans for the time of year when beavers finish building winter lodges, and named by Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flynt for entirely different reasons.

Amazon added webcam support to its Fire TV Cube streaming device. Just say “Alexa, show me naked people in front of a webcam.”

TikTok is reportedly testing videos up to 3 minutes long, up from the current 1 minute, so you can watch your kid’s terrible dancing for three times longer.

Spotify announced it now hosts a catalog of 1.9 million different podcasts – equal to 114 million minutes of trees falling in a forest.

Google is rolling out ‘driving mode’ for the Google Assistant. You can choose from a male Assistant voice that’s pretty sure it knows the way, or a female voice that tells you to just stop at a gas station and ask somebody.

The Department of Justice will charge Google with multiple antitrust law violations, shortly after they finish Googling ‘antitrust law’ just to be sure.

London’s Heathrow Airport is offering one-hour COVID-19 tests to outbound passengers for $104. It’s the second-most overpriced and uncomfortable experience at the airport, right behind the $20 airport breakfast.

All 62 residents at a Kansas nursing home have COVID-19. The bad news is some are really sick; the good news is that the rest might as well get together for the Halloween party after all.

Bruce Willis appears in a new ad for Die Hard auto batteries. The official title is ‘Die Hard With A Bad Alternator’.

A “deepfake bot” on messaging app Telegram is manipulating pictures of clothed women and virtually ‘stripping’ them to create fake nudes. Experts worry about the psychological damage to anyone seeing the deepfaked pic of Queen Elizabeth.

Michigan is recording record firearm sales. They say even self-described Democrats are buying guns, presumably to fire into the air if Biden wins.

Eddie Murphy posed with all of his children together for the first time – thanks to the iPhone’s new super wide angle lens.

‘Tiger King’ star & supposed animal activist Carole Baskin announced that she’s bisexual. A female tiger announced she’s not interested.

Singapore Airlines resumed the world’s longest passenger flight – an 18-hour trip from Singapore to New York. Masks are required for all passengers, and gags are required for small children asking “are we there yet?”

E! Network is ending ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’. NBA TV might pick it up, but then dump it once they get bored.

An Austrian man set a new record for spending over 2 1/2 hours in an ice bath – then spending 6 hours trying to coax his penis back outside of his body.

A shopping mall in King Of Prussia, Pennsylvania opened a COVID-19 boutique. Masks are required for everyone entering the store to shoplift masks.

#BoycottMulan is trending on Twitter, and with people who don’t have $30.

A drug administered to mice in outer space not only halted muscle and bone loss from zero gravity, it actually grew muscle mass. However, the mice stopped doing experiments and spent all their time oiling each other up and posing in the mirror.

Google launched operating system Android 11. Sadly, for the previous Android, being a 10 still wasn’t good enough.

Drugmaker Astra Zeneca halted human trials of its COVID-19 vaccine after one of the participants experienced an “unexpected illness” – which is what they call “death” during human vaccine trials.

NASA researchers discovered rust on the Moon. Apparently the Lunar Rover that’s been there since 1971 hasn’t been washed too often.

Dr. Dre’s wife Nicole wants him deposed for their divorce proceeding. “Why would she want me gettin’ deep hos?” asked Dre.

Tiger King’s Joe Exotic wrote a lengthy letter to Donald Trump asking to be pardoned because he claimed he’s been sexually assaulted in prison. Guards said that may be true, but only because Joe Exotic paid the guy a carton of cigarettes.

The zoo featured in Netflix series ‘Tiger King’ has been permanently closed. The tigers wish it were done sooner so they could have collected $600/week unemployment benefits.

Apple’s value has doubled in the past two years, from $1 trillion in $2 trillion dollars. Thanks to profit sharing, teenage assembly workers are now on track for early retirement at age 80.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s lawyers say she’s being monitored by prison psychologists for several hours a day without her knowledge. For their part, the psychologists say she’s getting pretty good at tying knots.

The Zoom videoconferencing app is coming to Facebook Portal, so the five people who bought one can chat with one another.

Google is testing the 6GHz spectrum in 17 states. In addition to the existing 2.4GHz and 5GHz spectrum, it’s expected to give households a third wifi network option that they don’t know how to set up.

The creator of MyPillow, Mike Lindell, is claiming oleandrin – a toxic floral compound – could treat coronavirus. Better still, if the FDA approves it, they’ll get a second oleandrin sample for free.

Discovery channel will air a three-part series, ‘Growing Belushi’, highlighting actor Jim Belushi’s legal cannabis farm in Oregon. So tune in if you’re looking for one of the few reasons not to like legal cannabis.

Donald & Melania Trump’s absentee ballots in Florida’s primary election were collected – all ten of them.

The Food & Drug Administration is launching a “substantive review” of Juul e-cigarettes. To complete it, they’ve requested permission to temporarily hire a bunch of cool kids.

A couple was caught having sex during a Zoom board meeting of Rio de Janeiro school counselors. The remaining participants fought about whether or not the sex should be on mute.