Massachusetts’ National Assessment of Educational Progress standardardized test scores fell to a 19-year low, surprising experts who thought kids would focus on schoolwork because both the Red Sox and Patriots weren’t that good.

Medical experts say that the virus’ evolution and Americans’ vaccination status have changed the Top 5 COVID symptoms. Sore throat, headache & nasal congestion still top the list, while ‘being hooked up to a respirator’ and ‘death’ dropped to 6 & 7.

McDonald’s is returning McRib to restaurants for what it’s calling the McRib Farewell Tour, saying customers should “enjoy the sandwich like it’s your last” – not because it won’t return again, but because of artery blockage caused by eating one.

Legendary journalist Bob Woodward, promoting a new audiobook featuring interviews with Donald Trump, calls Trump ‘dangerous’ and ‘a threat to democracy’. The audiobook’s title is: ‘Duh’.

Rishi Sunak of the Conservative Party is the new Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. He promised to bring his party and country together until he’s dumped in two weeks.

Rumors renewed that Vladimir Putin is battling cancer due to alleged ‘IV track marks’ on his hands, indicating possible chemotherapy. That, and he’s considering radiation treatment by detonating a dirty bomb in his house.

Two Australian men face felony charges for firing potatoes at e*scooter riders, leaving one of them blind in one eye. Attempts to replace the victim’s damaged eye with one from a potato failed.

A North Carolina high school girls volleyball team forfeited a game against a rival school after a transgender athlete’s spike reportedly caused head & neck injuries to one of their players. The transgender woman’s team also lost two players to broken arms after they high-fived her.

A Tennessee grandfather died in a skydiving accident during a ceremony before a high school football game. The grandfather was credited with a hard touchdown.

The Philadelphia Phillies reached the World Series, leading to thousands of people pouring into city streets, and to frustration of carjackers, angry that delighted fans were jumping on their ride.