An iPhone factory was temporarily shut down in China when workers at a Foxconn facility walked off assembly lines to protest COVID quarantines. While technically a walkout, most of the iPhone assembly workers rode off on their Big Wheels.

The City of Philadelphia became the first to lose two championships in one day, as the Philadelphia Union soccer team and the Philadelphia Phillies lost in the MLS Cup and World Series, respectively. Residents expecting to fire guns in the air in celebration quickly switched plans and fired them at each other.

California became the latest state to legalize human composting – adding biodegradable items to corpses so they become fertilizer. Advocates of the practice say the hardest part is looking at it when you throw banana peels and egg shells in to the compost bin.

With no winners on Saturday, the Powerball jackpot grew to $1.9 billion – or, about how much Twitter is worth now after Elon Musk bought it for $44 billion a couple weeks ago.

Salad restaurant Sweetgreen is offering its first chainwide dessert, a ‘healthy’ Rice Krispies treat made with quinoa, millet, brown rice and date honey. It’s available for purchase today, and available to birds after it’s tossed on the ground after one bite later today.

Twitter banned comic Kathy Griffin for impersonating Elon Musk without explicitly stating that it was a parody account. Content moderators wondered why Musk would start telling joke after joke about being friends with gay people.

Dr. Dre gave the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame induction speech for fellow rapper Eminem, in which Dre joked that Eminem wanted it mentioned that he “has a huge penis”. Judas Priest frontman Rob Halford, also in attendance, then asked to meet Eminem.

A drunk 22-year-old woman enrolled at University of Kentucky was arrested after threatening the student working at the front desk of her dorm while calling her the n-word. She’ll either be expelled or announce her campaign for Student Body President.

A Georgia teen who pulled off a mask while brandishing a handgun during a robbery at a vape store claims it was all just a prank. Nonetheless, he’ll be charged as a Juul thief.

A North Carolina teen rolled out of a moving Lyft car after her driver made inappropriate comments about her appearance and repeatedly sprayed a substance with the windows rolled up. She was refunded, and treated for both injuries to her face & legs and Drakkar Noir inhalation.

Expansion football league XFL announced team names and logos for their inaugural 2023 season, including the St. Louis Battlehawks, San Antonio Brahmans and D.C. Defenders. Mid-season they’ll be joined by the Philadelphia Bankruptcy Lawyers.

Under new owner Elon Musk, Twitter will require verified users to pay $8/month to keep their blue checkmark or they’ll get kicked off. Donald Trump is expected to rejoin Twitter and accumulate $24 in debt he won’t pay by February.

Kanye West says he “hasn’t gotten supermodel pussy” in over a month. A dejected Candace Owens no longer thinks she’s a supermodel.

A Stanford University student serving as sports mascot The Tree was suspended from their role for holding a sign reading ‘Stanford Hates Fun’ during halftime of a football game. The student was ordered to shed their leaves and became The Deciduous Tree.

A study of mice finds a link between nose-picking and Alzheimer’s. Senior mice dispute the study, saying its just harder for them to find tissues to blow their nose.

Scientists identified a gene that is responsible for ‘uncombable hair syndrome’ – specifically, anyone carrying DNA in common with KISS bassist Gene Simmons.

Retired professional boxer Goran Gogic was arrested and charged with trafficking over a billion dollars worth of cocaine. Gocic was photographed shirtless next to 20 tons of coke at the weigh-in.

Two Philadelphia eateries – Angelo’s Pizza and Mike’s BBQ – refused to provide catered meals to the visiting Houston Astros during the World Series. In other news, Philadelphia eateries including scrapple with breakfast catering were charged for trying to poison the Astros.

‘Dancing With The Stars‘ professional Cheryl Burke said in an interview that her high school boyfriend badly bruised her legs by whipping them with a belt while his parents watched. On the plus side, it made her learn the latin hustle before the big homecoming dance.

A leading career consultant advises workers to stop saying “I’m sorry” after making an error at work, which makes you appear weak. Instead they recommend other phrases like “I take full responsibility”, “How can I improve?”, and “F**k you, I’m planning to quit anyway”.

Massachusetts’ National Assessment of Educational Progress standardardized test scores fell to a 19-year low, surprising experts who thought kids would focus on schoolwork because both the Red Sox and Patriots weren’t that good.

Medical experts say that the virus’ evolution and Americans’ vaccination status have changed the Top 5 COVID symptoms. Sore throat, headache & nasal congestion still top the list, while ‘being hooked up to a respirator’ and ‘death’ dropped to 6 & 7.

McDonald’s is returning McRib to restaurants for what it’s calling the McRib Farewell Tour, saying customers should “enjoy the sandwich like it’s your last” – not because it won’t return again, but because of artery blockage caused by eating one.

Legendary journalist Bob Woodward, promoting a new audiobook featuring interviews with Donald Trump, calls Trump ‘dangerous’ and ‘a threat to democracy’. The audiobook’s title is: ‘Duh’.

Rishi Sunak of the Conservative Party is the new Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. He promised to bring his party and country together until he’s dumped in two weeks.

Rumors renewed that Vladimir Putin is battling cancer due to alleged ‘IV track marks’ on his hands, indicating possible chemotherapy. That, and he’s considering radiation treatment by detonating a dirty bomb in his house.

Two Australian men face felony charges for firing potatoes at e*scooter riders, leaving one of them blind in one eye. Attempts to replace the victim’s damaged eye with one from a potato failed.

A North Carolina high school girls volleyball team forfeited a game against a rival school after a transgender athlete’s spike reportedly caused head & neck injuries to one of their players. The transgender woman’s team also lost two players to broken arms after they high-fived her.

A Tennessee grandfather died in a skydiving accident during a ceremony before a high school football game. The grandfather was credited with a hard touchdown.

The Philadelphia Phillies reached the World Series, leading to thousands of people pouring into city streets, and to frustration of carjackers, angry that delighted fans were jumping on their ride.

Internet sleuths speculate fugitive Brian Laundrie is hiding beneath the backyard garden at his parents house, adding he may be dead, but he’s there pushing up daisies and tomatoes.

Huntington Beach, California is set to reopen after a massive oil spill closed the beach and damaged wildlife. Local lawyers purchased billboards saying they’re ready to sue for slip-and-fall injuries on the shore.

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un called on officials to improve the living conditions and food availability for citizens, saying North Koreans aren’t even living long enough for him to execute them.

Dr. Anthony Fauci says it’s okay for Americans to trick-or-treat on Halloween, but to exercise caution. Not because of COVID-19, but because it’s a Sunday, and Dads giving out candy are probably drunk after watching football and could fall on children.

Plus-size women slammed ‘Dancing With The Stars’ pro Lindsey Arnold for saying her new athletic wear line is for “all women” -since sizes only go up to Large. Arnold responded to ask XL & larger women what their workouts are, and they never answered.

The creators of mascot Phillie Phanatic settled their lawsuit with the Philadelphia Phillies, who redesigned the Phanatic in 2020 after being declared non-binary, with a chosen pronoun of “it”.

Raising Cane’s fast-food chicken locations are so short of workers, 250 of their 500 corporate office employees are staffing the restaurants. The other 250 are chasing and killing chickens.

Former Trump campaign adviser Corey Lewandowski is reportedly banned from all Trump properties and events after sexually harrassing a woman at a September fundraiser. Lewandowski was reportedly drunk, and Trump demands employees remain sober while sexually harrassing women.

Drugmaker Merck asked the FDA for emergency approval for its COVID-19 pill, saying it would help those who prefer pills to vaccines, and that it could be secretly slipped in to the drinks of anti-vaxxers.

Kim Kardashian West reportedly asked comedian friends Ellen Degeneres, Dave Chappelle, James Corden & others for help with her Saturday Night Live debut. Joe Piscopo is still waiting for his phone call.

Cadillac introduced its first fully-electric car. It comes with four different preventative features to keep senior citizens from pumping gas in the power outlet.

Jennifer Grey will reprise her iconic role as Baby in an upcoming Dirty Dancing sequel. Patrick Swayze will reprise his iconic role in Ghost.

New York Yankees manager Aaron Boone complained to umpires about Philadelphia Phillies fans blowing air horns outside the stadium during Yankees’ at-bats. The fans said they’re only doing it because they can’t throw batteries 900 feet to home plate.

A waste removal company in the U.K. took three hours clearing trash from a woman’s home, then dumped it all back when she refused to pay. Neighbors said it’s the biggest pile of garbage they’ve seen since Britain’s Got Talent.

A large blackout hit NYC neighborhoods in the Upper West Side and Harlem. Local organizers are seeking permission for a mural to commemorate it.

In a new Lifetime documentary, convicted murderer Jodi Arias’ cellmates say she performed strip teases for male guards in exchange for favorable treatment. Arias said she took her clothes off because horizontal stripes make her look fat.

Upper West Side residents in New York City say the luxury hotels housing homeless men during the pandemic are making the neighborhood unsafe. The hotels are also frustrated by the high volume of room service calls ordering crack.

The price of the new Playstation 5 just leaked – by parents badgered by their 12-year-olds if they could have a $500 advance on their allowance.

Tesla is launching a ‘car wrap’ service, so owners can wrap their cars in colors not offered by the manufacturer, and so owners can just write Look At ME on the wrap.

The owner of travel websites Kayak and Booking.com says travel won’t be back to normal until a COVID-19 vaccine is available – except for Spirit and Frontier airlines, where flying with sick cheapskates is business as usual.

 

Actor Dustin Diamond – ‘Screech’ – said his ‘Saved By The Bell’ character should be included in the show’s current reboot. Since he’s already trashed every costar from the original show and made a video of himself naked,  it would be just like high school.

The Dow Jones Industrial average cratered 900 points at the open on Monday, reflecting concerns about the COVID-19 virus on the global economy. In other news, Princess Cruise Lines announced rock-bottom rates on their Going Out Of Business Voyage.

A 62-year-old former Marine broke the Guinness World Record by holding a plank position for 8 hours, 15 minutes and 15 seconds. He was awarded a medal, then a hazmat team burned his shorts and workout mat.

Donald Trump visited India, where he was welcomed at a gala event, then chased out of it for sneaking in and eating sacred Big Macs.

A woman claims she performed oral sex on Cleveland Browns QB Baker Mayfield in a Cheesecake Factory parking lot. Mayfield decided on the sex act after spending 15 minutes looking through her 25-page menu.

Iconic mascot Phillie Phanatic debuted a new look on Sunday – sporting bushier, bluer eyebrows, a blue tail and new sneakers. The team denied the Phanatic received Photox.

A consumer group has 45,000 signatures on a petition demanding that airlines sit families with small children together without paying for seat assignments. Airlines are considering it, but may need to make up lost revenue with ‘crying baby fines’.

California police are investigating a man who drove a Jeep off of a six-story parking garage and crashed it into a neighboring McDonald’s – creating the first-ever “fly thru” window.

A 20-year-old woman and her boyfriend are accused of killing three of their roommates in an argument over rent. A fourth roommate reportedly escaped before they started discussing the cable bill.

Marvel is rumored to be taking over longtime rival DC Comics, after DC parent company AT&T/Warner Bros. objected to a planned fifth-generation “5G” reboot of classic characters. Specifically, a comic where Bruce Wayne switches all of the Wayne Manor & Batcave phones to Verizon 5G.

 

A former NASA scientist claims that in 1976, the Viking landers found evidence of life on Mars. He added it wasn’t exactly a fun life.

The XFL draft takes place today at 10 a.m. via conference call. “Could whoever has a barking dog please mute?” said the League Commissioner.

Travis Scott took a nasty onstage fall at the Rolling Loud Music Festival in Queens on Saturday, telling the crowd he thought he broke his knee. After the show, he brought several female fans backstage to crouch down and examine it.

Megyn Kelly, who was fired from the NBC Today Show after discussing kids of her era wearing blackface on Halloween, will be a guest on Tucker Carlson’s Fox News show to promote her new line of Halloween costumes.

Elton John’s new memoir mentions Michael Jackson’s later years, saying he was “..in a world of his own, surrounded by people who only told him what he wanted to hear.” Elton then talks about all the compliments he gets about his real-looking hair.

Scarlett Johansson says that a movie featuring all-female Marvel Superheroes would be “explosive and unstoppable”.  It would feature male Marvel heroes asking what’s wrong with the way they’re fighting evil, and the females saying “nothing…it’s great”.

Dusty Baker is rumored to be a candidate for the Philadelphia Phillies manager job, after stadium workers were seen installing one of those motorized seats to climb the dugout steps.

Italy’s mountain village of Sardinia is posting signs telling tourists not to rely on Google Maps driving directions, because their cars will get stuck on rugged roads. They also say not to use Google Maps walking directions, after several tourists walked off cliffs.

Jennifer Aniston’s new Instagram account crashed shortly after her first post – a photo with all six of the ‘Friends’. Aniston said the photo wasn’t really complete, because the duck and the monkey were both dead. 

Whitney Houston is among the 2020 nominees for induction to the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame – opening the door just a crack for the 2036 campaign of Color Me Badd.

 

Melania Trump tweeted a photo holding a shovel to break ground on a new White House tennis pavilion, after consulting Joe Biden to see if he plays tennis.

  • It’s part of Melania’s ‘Be Best Backhand’ initiative.

Three male scientists shared the Nobel Prize for Chemistry for inventing lithium-ion batteries. They came up with the idea when their bored, disinterested wives were each spending $200 a month on Duracells for their vibrators.

Philadelphia City Schools are offering free head lice screenings to teachers and school nurses, though it’s expected that half the lice in Philly schools will just drop out.

Johnson & Johnson must pay $8 billion in damages for failing to warn users its antipsychotic drug, Risperdal, caused gynecomastia – a condition causing men to grow enlarged breasts. The judgment is being called the world’s most expensive boob job. [ Story & joke submitted & guest-written by reader J.O !! ]

McDonald’s launched a McRib Locator website to help customers find participating locations serving the sandwich, and to help families of dangerously obese people avoid them.

The Philadelphia Flyers opened a rage room, where hockey fans can pay to go in a room during games and break things.  The Philadelphia Philles say they considered it, but decided to let fans keep using their living rooms.

The New York City townhome where The Cars frontman Ric Ocasek passed away is back on the market, listed at $13.9 million – an amount his surviving wife Paulina Porizkova described as “just what I needed”.

Robert Downey Jr. told Howard Stern he doesn’t want an Oscar nomination for Avengers: Endgame, telling studio publicists “let’s not”. Downey said he was inspired by the late Jim Varney saying “let’s not” to an Oscar campaign for ‘Ernest Goes to Jail’.

New research spanning 70 years finds having a dog lowers your risk of dying by 24 percent. The study followed everyone except infants and toddlers living with pit bulls.

 

A new company is using Artificial Intelligence to help bartenders determine who to serve next in a crowded bar. The AI identifies which customer has the largest breasts.

In India, a 7-year-old boy underwent a procedure to have 526 teeth removed from his jaw…and boy is his bully’s arm tired.

A man speaking into his Apple Watch helped first responders locate him in the rubble of his collapsed house. It’s believed to be the first time anyone moved closer to a douchebag talking into their Apple Watch.

The CrossFit Games wrapped up over the weekend in Madison Wisconsin. Wisconsin dairy farmers want to know when they’re getting their goddamned tractor tires back.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell fell at his Kentucky home and fractured his shoulder. He was transported to a local hospital, where doctors took x-rays to rule out an injury to his backbone, before determining that he doesn’t have one.

A man in Spain was arrested after filming a video throwing a refrigerator off of a cliff. He was ordered by police to haul the refrigerator back up, and was ordered by his wife to clean out the rotten produce drawer.

The Center for Science in the Public Interest released its list of unhealthiest foods from chain restaurants. Their worst offender is Sonic’s Oreo Peanut Butter Master Shake, which has 1,700 calories, and, they claim, is like eating 15 Oreos with a cup of lard. A Sonic spokesperson clarified that the cup of lard costs extra.

Egyptian officials say that King Tut’s coffin is in “very bad condition”, adding “and that’s just the outside.”

The author of a viral post claims to have found a hot dog that tastes like steak. They discovered it by trying the steak at Golden Corral.

The Philadelphia Phillies are suing the company that created their Phillie Phanatic mascot to keep it from working for other teams.  Agents for the Phanatic want more money, and say the Phillies are already paying millions to other guys in Phillies jerseys who can’t hit or pitch.

 

 

Thomas Hatchett, an 86-year-old resident at a New Jersey retirement community, was charged with the shooting death of a 71-year-old fellow resident. Hatchett was apprehended watching whatever he wanted to on the rec room tv.

Nike canceled its Betsy Ross Flag shoes after Colin Kaepernick raised concerns – then laid off the bonnet-wearing Indonesian factory women sewing the flags on the shoes while sitting in rocking chairs.

Former Google employee Andy Rubin – founder of the Android operating system – is accused in divorce proceedings of having several mistresses and of running a ‘sex ring’. “Tell me more about this Android sex ring” said lonely Japanese bachelors.

The deadly poison Sarin was detected at a mailing facility on the Facebook campus. Employee reactions ranged from Wow! to Angry to Sad.

A former NASA intern who purchased footage of the 1969 moon landing for $218 may earn millions when it’s auctioned by Sotheby’s, who rated the video “flawless”. The auction will take place just as soon as someone edits out the director yelling “Action!”

A 70-year-old marathoner who set an age group record in the L.A. Marathon was disqualified for cheating. He claims he isn’t a bad guy, citing the 5-star review he gave to his Uber driver.

A Jim Beam warehouse containing 45,000 whiskey barrels caught fire. “I’LL save you!” said alcoholic Superman.

Domestic violence charges were dropped against Philadelphia Phillies outfielder Odubel Herrera.  Observers speculated that Herrera has four balls, cause it looks like he’s gonna walk.

A 10-foot 800-pound shark was tracked off of the Jersey Shore in Cape May. It’s believed the shark is a local, since it complained about the calamari.

President Trump’s July 4th celebration is rumored to be costing the National Parks Service $2.3 million – angering those saying that money is for employees who never clean or deodorize National Park restrooms.