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Camden, New Jersey opened a new downtown beer garden, for people who like to enjoy a couple of drinks before getting stabbed.

Wildlife officials warn koalas are “functionally extinct”. With just 80,000 creatures, there may not be enough breeding adults to sustain a new generation. “They’re right, it’s pretty dead in here” said a male on Koala Tinder.

Astronomers are learning more about MU69, a flat rock 20 miles wide orbiting 4 million miles from the sun. They’ve determined it’s a rock, it’s cold, and maybe they should turn their attention to more interesting stuff.

2016 Chicago Cubs World Series MVP Ben Zobrist and his wife, Julianna, are divorcing. Zobrist alleges his wife has been taken out to a different ball game.

A Tesla Model 3 driver operating his car in autopilot mode collided with a truck and died, the third such fatality recorded. Tesla said they’re deciding between updating software or renaming the car Tesla 737 MAX.

Some brands of tattoo ink are being recalled because they contain harmful bacteria. You’re advised to seek medical attention if your Fighting Irishman starts foaming at the mouth.

Facebook is reportedly changing its algorithm to emphasize ‘worthwhile’ and ‘close friend’ content – leaving users scrambling to find deals on Ray-Ban sunglasses and bootleg movies before they disappear.

President Trump unveiled a new immigration plan, intended to prioritize immigrants with valuable skills like golf course & country club lawn maintenance.

Grumpy Cat passed away at age 7, following complications from a urinary tract infection. Less lethal complications included her pissing on the sofa.

In the wake of new legislation outlawing abortions, Alabama clinics are being flooded with calls from women asking if they’re still open. Conversely, Alabama drug stores aren’t getting any panicked calls from men asking if they still sell condoms.

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Police arrested a man drilling holes in the dressing room walls of Target stores in suburban Philadelphia. No word on whether he planned to stick his Target Team Member in them.

Alabama passed the most restrictive anti-abortion law in the nation. Mississippi is next – they’re telling residents it’s illegal to shoot storks.

The College Board will assign an “Adversity Score” to students’ SAT results, in order to factor in their social and economic challenges. The scores will range from a high of “East L.A. Gang Member” to a low of “Olivia Jade”.

A Florida woman was arrested on charges of assault with a deadly weapon outside of a Key West strip club for throwing a coconut at a man recording video of her on his phone. She plans to fight the charge since she has a coconut permit.

A Florida man was arrested for practicing basketball in the nude at an Orlando-area park. He told cops practicing naked improves his skills. He put his clothes back on, but only after demonstrating a nifty crossover dribble from his right hand to his erect penis.

University of Washington researchers created an app that detects ear infections using a paper cone attached to the phone that you stick in your ear. You attach the cone to your phone, stick it in your ear and hope nobody calls you at that exact moment.

Taco Bell announced it’s opening The Bell: A Taco Bell Hotel & Resort this summer in Palm Springs. It’s supposedlly an immersive experience in ‘the Taco Bell lifestyle’ – which is why every suite in the hotel has four bathrooms.

SpaceX is launching a “mini constellation” of 60 satellites in an effort to deliver broadband internet access to underserved areas on the globe unable to stream porn.

Penn-Trafford school district in Pennsylvania is being criticized for putting a ‘Middle Eastern’ headdress on a teacher posing as an active shooter during a drill. The school apologized, saying its next drill will feature costumes from the drama club production of The Wizard of Oz.

Munich, Germany startup Lillum says it will offer flying taxis hailable by app starting in 2025, and wrongful death settlements starting in 2026.

 

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A 70-year-old Oklahoma man was arrested in Arizona, driving in his underwear with his dead wife’s nude body in the passenger seat. The man said his wife died overnight at a hotel, but he decided to continue with their trip so he could use carpool lanes.

Alabama lawmakers passed a near-total ban on abortions, frustrating women’s reproductive rights advocates while boosting Florida tourism for pregnant Alabama teens looking for a long weekend.

Uber is offering ‘Quiet Mode’ for premium rides like Uber Black, where you can request that the driver not speak to you, thereby allowing women passengers to decide if they’d rather be creeped out by conversation or silence.

According to the National Center for Health Statistics, the number of children born in the U.S. dropped to its lowest level in 32 years – coinciding with a rise in the number of people saying they were Satisfied or Very Satisfied with their U.S. airline flight.

Claude Monet’s ‘Haystacks’ sold for $110.7 million at auction, setting a record for an impressionist work. The buyer was unidentified, but is rumored to be saving up for a new matching couch.

Roger Daltrey yelled at pot smokers near the stage at The Who’s Madison Square Garden show, saying he’s allergic to it and that it ruins his singing voice. The fans apologized and quickly switched to smoking meth.

Shooting on the 25th James Bond film was temporarily halted when star Daniel Craig’s ankle was sprained, not stirred.

Former NBA star Lamar Odom has a new memoir, admitting to cheating on ex-wife Khloe Kardashian, writing, “I couldn’t keep my d*ck in my pants or the coke out of my nose”. Co-author Chris Palmer is credited with help bringing this eloquent prose to the page.

Robert Kraft’s lawyers continue to argue against public release of Kraft’s massage parlor video, saying it will limit his right to a fair trial, and is already limiting his ability to hire massage therapists for the New England Patriots.

New lawsuits are threatening to disrupt the standard 6% commission structure for licensed realtors. Lawyers for the National Association of Realtors responded to the suits with arguments printed on magnets that the judges can put on their refrigerators.