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The “entirety of Florida” could be hit by Hurricane Dorian when it makes landfall. It’s so scary, Disney World suspended Mickey Mouse for audibly cursing when he saw the weather report.

President Trump complained that Fox News “doesn’t work for us anymore”.  A visibly shaken Sean Hannity was seen being consoled about the potential breakup.

Justin Bieber led a worship service at his church. Jesus showed up and asked Bieber to stop calling him ‘baby’.

Retired NFL receiver Joe Horn thinks the league should switch from tackle to touch or flag football. Just in case it really happens, the New England Patriots equipment staff is sewing flags to belts so they can’t be pulled off.

USWNT soccer star Carli Lloyd kicked a 55-yard field goal at a Philadelphia Eagles practice. Some wondered whether Lloyd could make an NFL roster – with many doubting teams would use timeouts while Lloyd tried on different shoes before going out.

After giving up 10 runs in his latest appearance, New York Mets pitcher Noah Syndergaard said he’s “sick and tired” of being unathletic on the mound. He’s asked teammates in confidence if they, too, have ever had that “not so fresh” feeling.

Alice Marie Johnson, who Kim Kardashian helped get out of a lengthy prison term for a drug offense, is modeling Kardashian’s new SKIMS shapewear line – saying she wished she had SKIMS for years so she could fit into a size 8 prison jumpsuit.

Robert Downey Jr said in an interview that he “knew it was time” to retire from the Marvel Cinematic Universe — apparently when he read an Iron Man 4 script that had Tony Stark develop a talking cane.

Alabama Governor Kay Ivey apologized for wearing blackface in a racist skit when she attended college at Auburn University in the 1960s. Or, as they called it at Auburn University in the 1960s, a Drama Department audition.

 

 

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The Washington Capitals won the Stanley Cup, defeating the Vegas Golden Knights four games to one. Capitals’ captain Alex Ovechkin was named the Most Valuable Player in the playoffs, and accepted a congratulatory phone call from the President — Vladimir Putin.

Dine Brand Global – which also owns Applebee’s and Denny’s – is being warned by brand experts against changing the name of IHOP to IHOB. Executives aren’t worried, saying they want customers to know they can get more than just pancakes, they can also get botulism.

President Trump said that he wants to speak with NFL players who kneel during the anthem so they can recommend people for pardons because they’ve been treated unfairly by the justice system. Trump then asked aides how you pardon unarmed black citizens shot dead by cops.

MIT scientists created an artificial intelligence “psychopath” named Norman, that they programmed using captions about graphic images of death posted by humans on Reddit. The scientists may shut Norman down after he registered to vote and spent hundreds of dollars online buying Make America Great Again apparel.

Consulting firm Deloitte reports that the legalization of recreational marijuana in Canada would create a $4 billion dollar industry – but would also risk making everyone a slower skater.

Kendall Jenner posted a topless photo of herself on Instagram, with ice cream emojis covering her nipples. For everyone wondering how big?.. just one scoop.

The Federal Reserve reported that Americans household net worth exceeded $100 trillion for the first time ever – a result of rising home values, a robust stock market, and The Man screwing everyone over.

Alice Marie Johnson, the woman whose life sentence President Trump commuted this week following his meeting with Kim Kardashian, promised Trump “I will make you proud”. She then kicked all the black family members out of her house while standing for the National Anthem.

Facebook admits that 14 million users “friends only” posts were made public because of a software bug. “I wondered where all those Likes were coming from!” said losers with only a couple dozen friends.

BuzzFeed is laying off 20 people – shocking everyone who didn’t know BuzzFeed actually paid anyone.

Measurement company Zenith said that in 2019, people around the world will spend more time online than they do watching TV, that is unless broadcast networks finally wise up and start showing porn.