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A woman glued her hand to the floor of the Minnesota Timberwolves basketball court during a game against the LA Clippers, to protest Wolves owner Glen Taylor’s treatment of chickens on his egg farms. The woman is less concerned about the treatment of horses used to make the glue.

Ryan Fischer, the man shot while walking Lady Gaga’s dogs, is concerned that the shooter was mistakenly released from jail due to a clerical error. He’s no longer walking the dogs, because they somehow managed to buy guns to defend themselves.

MSNBC announced Rachel Maddow’s show will only air on Mondays instead of every weeknight. Lesbian Democrats are disappointed, but happy that they just freed up four hours a week on their DVRs.

Gilbert Gottfried died, and edged past Norm Macdonald on Twitter posters’ list of Greatest Comedians Ever.

Ronald Reagan’s assassin John Hinckley sold out an upcoming concert this July in Brooklyn. He already considers himself more successful giving music a shot.

A manhunt is underway for Frank James, a person of interest in the New York subway shooting. Police are baffled since James rented a U-Haul in Philadelphia and managed to get out of that city without getting truckjacked.

Texas sent its first busload of immigrants to Washington D.C. Texas Governor Greg Abbott then fired his assistant after finding out she bought them all roundtrip tickets.

Following the ejection of first base coach Antoan Richardson, the San Francisco Giants replaced her with assistant coatch Alyssa Nakken, making her the first woman to coach on-field in an MLB game. The game went on for a while, because every signal she gave came with a ten-minute story.

Los Angeles gangs are responsible for a rash of recent violent crimes targeting the rich and famous in affluent neighborhoods. It’s so bad, MS-13 is now MS-90210.

A 5-foot by 6-foot stone slab was discovered during renovations at Jerusalem’s Church of the Holy Sepulchre, etched with grafitti left over the course of centuries. Translators determined the etchings were mostly “names and addresses of cute teenage boys”.

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All members of the United States Senate were sworn in as jurors in Donald Trump’s impeachment trial, pledging to administer impartial justice while crossing their fingers behind their backs.

HBO announced they won’t pursue a second season of ‘Watchmen’ – answering the age-old question “Who Watches the Watchmen?” with “nobody”.

Someone shot video of Tiger Woods’ 10-year-old son hitting golf balls without permission, sparking an ethical debate about filming children. His father asked that he be left alone until he’s 18 and can send his own videos to bar waitresses and porn stars.

Carlos Beltran, hired in November as manager of the New York Mets, was fired for his role in the Houston Astros sign-stealing scandal while playing in Houston. Beltran never managed a game, making him the only undefeated manager in Mets history.

The San Francisco Giants hired Alyssa Nakken to be the first female assistant coach in Major League Baseball history, working under new manager and former player Gabe Kapler. Kapler said he’s had women work under him before, just not front office personnel.

Former Giant Aubrey Huff criticized Nakken’s hire on Twitter, writing “I got in trouble for wearing a thong in my own clubhouse when female reporters were present.” A Giants spokesperson responded, saying Huff was disciplined because the Victoria’s Secret thong was not approved Major Leage Baseball equipment.

A group of researchers at Yale University completed a study that they hope will end debate about why dinosaurs went extinct. “Good luck with that” said Baptist science teachers.

Hong Kong Express airlines apologized for requiring passengers take pregnancy tests on flights to U.S. territory Saipan, where they feared women were giving birth to obtain U.S. citizenship for newborns. They also apologized for making men take pregnancy tests to prove they weren’t profiling.

Cleveland Browns wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr was charged with simple battery for slapping a cop on the buttocks following LSU’s National Football Championship. Beckham mistakenly assumed the cop was one of the strippers LSU staff invited to the postgame locker room.

The world’s largest Snickers bar – over 4,700 pounds – was unveiled in Waco, Texas. It’s projected to provide Waco public school students with almost 5,000 school lunches.