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A 19-year-old U-Haul driver is accused of ramming a truck in to the fence at the White House. He was taken into custody, and the friends who are helping him move are wondering if they’ll ever get their free pizza.

The Los Angeles Dodgers reinvited a group of drag queens to their Pride Night celebration. They’d been excluded following conservative criticism, but were told by Major League Baseball they couldn’t be banned because they’re all members of the San Francisco Giants.

An empty plot of land in Dubai sold for $34 million – ending a bidding war between Dubai toddlers playing in the sand, and cats shitting in it.

A bird was killed after being struck by a baseball hit by Cleveland Guardians Will Brennan. Brennan was credited with a single; the bird was taken out of the game for lack of hustle.

New GOP presidential candidate Tim Scott fired back at Whoopi Goldberg for her saying that Scott, who’s black, has ‘Clarence Thomas syndrome’. Scott thinks the criticism is unjust, but also wouldn’t mind having a white billlionaire friend take him on expensive vacations.

A new study suggests people listen to sad songs to feel ‘connected’ to others. Men specifically listen to sad Taylor Swift songs because they want girls who like them to connect with them at the genitals.

Artificial intelligence company Sanctuary debuted Phoenix, their new humanoid robot that stands 5’7″ and can lift 55 pounds. Phoenix cost $20 million to build and can earn $17 an hour working at an Amazon warehouse.

One of America’s most popular handguns, the SIG Sauer P320 semi-automatic, is reportedly firing on its own even when holstered or sitting at rest. So say some police officers use it, as well as a guy who claims it shot his wife six times on its own.

The latest fashion trend amond Gen Z women is wearing only sheer bras and underwear as evening apparel. Men and women say they like seeing the look on Gen Z, but not on Gen XXXL.

A mother of two whose boyfriend of 15 years dumped her before their wedding spent $37,000 on a ‘revenge body’ – including a boob job, face lift, lip fillers, hair transplants, a Brazilian butt lift, liposuction, and vagina tightening. The ex-boyfriend asked how much it would cost for her to lose her kids.

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Whoopi Goldberg announced she’s co-written a graphic novel, The Change, about a grandmother named Isabel whose menopause gives her superpowers, including hot flashes that can melt both steel and her enemies.

Jon Bon Jovi says he has no issue with his 20-year-old son Jake getting engaged to 19-year-old actress Millie Bobbie Brown – saying young love eventually worked out for his dockworker friend Tommy and his waitress girlfriend Gina.

Tile, maker of tracking devices used to locate personal items, introduced Tile for Cats, a device you can attach to a feline’s collar to tell you that the cat is on the sofa 99% of the time.

A Delaware Boy Scout leader, Gary Matta, was arrested and charged with inappropriate sexual activity with a male youth between 1989 and 1992. Matta’s case is unique among Boy Scout leaders in that he only abused Scouts for four years.

Three separate road rage shootings have taken place on Philadelphia highways within the past two weeks. In response, the Philadelphia Welcome Center rest stop on Interstate 95 will install vending machines that sell bullets.

A Frontier Airlines flight atttendant asked passengers to vote whether a disruptive passenger should be kicked off the flight. The passenger was removed, but then passengers asked if they could vote themselves off so they could fly a better airline.

A pregnant woman who allegedly reeked of alcohol was refused boarding on a Spirit Airlines flight, then beat up the gate agent. The woman was arrested, and Spirit said the gate agent will be retrained so that she doesn’t lose fistfights with passengers.

Viral video shows a homeless man stopping a baby stroller from rolling on to a busy highway. Then the baby still has the nerve to tell the guy he doesn’t have any change.

San Francisco Giants pitcher Logan Webb claims 75% of the team has diarrhea after playing two games in Mexico City. Ironically, they lost both games because the San Diego Padres had lots more runs.

A 27-year-old New Jersey teacher & marching band director was arrested for having a two-year sexual affair with a student. She wanted to have sex with somebody cool, so she sure as hell wasn’t going to sleep with anyone in marching band.

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A woman glued her hand to the floor of the Minnesota Timberwolves basketball court during a game against the LA Clippers, to protest Wolves owner Glen Taylor’s treatment of chickens on his egg farms. The woman is less concerned about the treatment of horses used to make the glue.

Ryan Fischer, the man shot while walking Lady Gaga’s dogs, is concerned that the shooter was mistakenly released from jail due to a clerical error. He’s no longer walking the dogs, because they somehow managed to buy guns to defend themselves.

MSNBC announced Rachel Maddow’s show will only air on Mondays instead of every weeknight. Lesbian Democrats are disappointed, but happy that they just freed up four hours a week on their DVRs.

Gilbert Gottfried died, and edged past Norm Macdonald on Twitter posters’ list of Greatest Comedians Ever.

Ronald Reagan’s assassin John Hinckley sold out an upcoming concert this July in Brooklyn. He already considers himself more successful giving music a shot.

A manhunt is underway for Frank James, a person of interest in the New York subway shooting. Police are baffled since James rented a U-Haul in Philadelphia and managed to get out of that city without getting truckjacked.

Texas sent its first busload of immigrants to Washington D.C. Texas Governor Greg Abbott then fired his assistant after finding out she bought them all roundtrip tickets.

Following the ejection of first base coach Antoan Richardson, the San Francisco Giants replaced her with assistant coatch Alyssa Nakken, making her the first woman to coach on-field in an MLB game. The game went on for a while, because every signal she gave came with a ten-minute story.

Los Angeles gangs are responsible for a rash of recent violent crimes targeting the rich and famous in affluent neighborhoods. It’s so bad, MS-13 is now MS-90210.

A 5-foot by 6-foot stone slab was discovered during renovations at Jerusalem’s Church of the Holy Sepulchre, etched with grafitti left over the course of centuries. Translators determined the etchings were mostly “names and addresses of cute teenage boys”.

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Ronda Rousey is four months pregnant, following her husband’s victory via submission hold in December.

NFL owners ratified new rules to expand the duties of the instant replay official in the press box – he or she will now be responsible for fetching beers in between helping on-field officials get their calls wrong.

Pregnant women are being encouraged to get a COVID-19 vaccine by the CDC, and by their friends & family so they can talk about something else besides being pregnant.

Oklahoma passed a law giving some legal protections to operators that strike protesters with their vehicles. The protesters are no longer permitted to sue the cowboy or the horse.

The International Space Station is running out of beds, according to both NASA, and the snippy front desk clerk at the International Space Station.

Reports surfaced of Barstool Sports CEO Erika Nardini having an affair with her married squash coach – who is now her separated smash coach.

Jeopardy! Announced its new roster of guest hosts, including Levar Burton, Robin Roberts, David Faber, George Stephanopolous and Joe Buck. Fan reaction ranged from delight over the inclusion of Levar Burton, to “Who the hell is David Faber?”

The Los Angeles Dodgers will debut a ‘fully vaccinated fan section’ at Dodger Stadium for Saturday’s game against the San Diego Padres – to be followed by a ‘fully vaccinated fistfight section’ for future home games against the San Francisco Giants.

A new study finds sleep deprivation in midlife increases the risk of dementia. In other words, your crying baby really is driving you nuts.

The purchaser of Jeffrey Epstein’s Palm Beach mansion had it demolished, sharing photos of bucket loaders tearing up the floorboards and filling up with girls underwear.

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All members of the United States Senate were sworn in as jurors in Donald Trump’s impeachment trial, pledging to administer impartial justice while crossing their fingers behind their backs.

HBO announced they won’t pursue a second season of ‘Watchmen’ – answering the age-old question “Who Watches the Watchmen?” with “nobody”.

Someone shot video of Tiger Woods’ 10-year-old son hitting golf balls without permission, sparking an ethical debate about filming children. His father asked that he be left alone until he’s 18 and can send his own videos to bar waitresses and porn stars.

Carlos Beltran, hired in November as manager of the New York Mets, was fired for his role in the Houston Astros sign-stealing scandal while playing in Houston. Beltran never managed a game, making him the only undefeated manager in Mets history.

The San Francisco Giants hired Alyssa Nakken to be the first female assistant coach in Major League Baseball history, working under new manager and former player Gabe Kapler. Kapler said he’s had women work under him before, just not front office personnel.

Former Giant Aubrey Huff criticized Nakken’s hire on Twitter, writing “I got in trouble for wearing a thong in my own clubhouse when female reporters were present.” A Giants spokesperson responded, saying Huff was disciplined because the Victoria’s Secret thong was not approved Major Leage Baseball equipment.

A group of researchers at Yale University completed a study that they hope will end debate about why dinosaurs went extinct. “Good luck with that” said Baptist science teachers.

Hong Kong Express airlines apologized for requiring passengers take pregnancy tests on flights to U.S. territory Saipan, where they feared women were giving birth to obtain U.S. citizenship for newborns. They also apologized for making men take pregnancy tests to prove they weren’t profiling.

Cleveland Browns wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr was charged with simple battery for slapping a cop on the buttocks following LSU’s National Football Championship. Beckham mistakenly assumed the cop was one of the strippers LSU staff invited to the postgame locker room.

The world’s largest Snickers bar – over 4,700 pounds – was unveiled in Waco, Texas. It’s projected to provide Waco public school students with almost 5,000 school lunches.