By |

Triplets in Mexico tested positive for coronavirus on the day they were born. Doctors and engineers are devising a way they can breast feed from six feet away. 

The Kentucky Democratic Senate primary naming a challenger to Mitch McConnell won’t be decided for another week. Amy McGrath leads Charles Booker, but final tallies require the state’s electon auditor to verify the number of times the horses clomp their hooves.

Brands are joining the #StopHateForProfit movement, boycotting Facebook for refusing to accept paid messages of hate. Meanwhile, the Facebook Ad Sales team for Trump 2020 and Boogaloo spent their bonuses on sports cars and beach houses.

Miley Cyrus says she’s been sober for six months but is still a “ton of fun”… thanks to having a “ton of money”.

Doctors are trialing an at-home sleep apnea test that doesn’t require an overnight sleep study. They check your ribcage for bruises from your spouse punching while you snore.

A female suspect was arrested in the arson of the Wendy’s restaurant where Atlantan Rayshard Brooks was fatally shot by police. She’s charged with felony destruction of property, and of whatever it is they put in Frostys.

An off-duty Los Angeles police officer was drinking a Starbucks frappucino when he discovered a tampon in it. He’s demanding that the employee responsible be fired, since he ordered the drink with a condom in it.

New Jersey announced theme parks can reopen on July 2nd. Thousands of families are already buying advance tickets to Six Flags Over Coronavirus.

Major League Baseball announced its return with an abbreviated schedule. Spitting will be prohibited, so a special space will be set aside for players vomiting swallowed chewing tobacco and sunflower seeds.

The City of Philadelphia will seek removal of a statue of Christopher Columbus. They plan to appease angry locals by replacing it with a bronze statue of Rocky Balboa kissing Nick Foles.

By |

California is considering a new law permitting human consumption of meat from roadkill animals. The legislation is expected to save millions of dollars each year for Arby’s.

CNN plans to host a John Hickenlooper For President town hall meeting next week, only it plans to change the Town Hall to a Tiny Kitchen.

A ‘bomb cyclone’ threatens to dump up to two feet of snow on portions of Nebraska, ruining the Spring Break vacation destination of the nation’s poorest, dumbest college students.

Kentucky Democrats are fundraising to advance retired military pilot Amy McGrath as a candidate to unseat Republican Mitch McConnell. They’re reportedly about halfway to matching the amount of money McConnell has stored in his neck pouch.

Michael Avenatti states that he is no longer the lawyer for Stormy Daniels, choosing to refocus his career on stand-up comedy.

The family of an 11-year-old boy is suing Universal Studios, saying his foot and leg were crushed at the end of the E.T. Adventure ride at Universal’s Orlando theme park. Said the boy: “ouuuch”.

A Cincinnati brewery employee claims he’s fasting and only consuming beer for Lent. Del Hall, sales director for Fifty West Brewing, says he’s already lost 15 pounds, and his job for being hammered all day.

Volkswagen may bring back the iconic ‘Dune Buggy’, revealing what it calls the ID Buggy concept car. It’s electric and runs almost silent, going 0-to-running over toddlers with pails & shovels on the beach in just seconds.

In a study of gummy vitamins, ConsumerLab.com found that gummies are more likely than pills to over- or under-deliver listed ingredients. Mainly because people just eat all the red ones and toss out the other colors.

Twitter is launching a new camera feature. Soon you’ll be able to swipe left to take photos or videos that the app will inexplicably cut off so followers can’t see the whole thing.