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The United States and the Taliban reached tentative agreement on a ‘seven day reduction in violence’. “Okay, fellas, take the rest of the week off” said the head Taliban guy to his staff of decapitators.

A 98-year-old Pennsylvania woman still sells Girl Scout cookies. She said this year she’s raising more money than last year, when she gave the order form to her Mom to bring in to her work. [story h/t to KN]

The United States evacuated most American passengers on a cruise ship quarantined for coronavirus. Some passengers refused to be evacuated, continuing to camp out next to the buffet waiting for the crab legs to arrive.

Tiger Woods may skip the Summer Olympics Golf Tournament in Japan, because he’s just not that into Asian chicks.

Donald & Melania Trump attended the Daytona 500 and issued the traditional command for racers to start their engines, but only after mistakenly yelling “fore” twice.

Melania was offered the chance to ride in a NASCAR race car, but declined after circling it for an hour trying to find the back seat.

Police in Northern California found 1,400 marijuana plants and seized 440 pounds of marijuana from inside of a building, then they finished giving their speech at the elementary school’s Career Day.

A girl and ten of her friends celebrated her 8th birthday at an Atlanta-area Target store, dressing in red shirts and khakis as employees. All were busted attempting to shoplift Barbies and fleeing through the employee exit.

Jon Bon Jovi is selling his French chateau mansion in New Jersey for $20 million. It’s the priciest French estate in New Jersey, worth ten times as much as a Au Bon Pain in Newark.

Augusta National Golf Club, home of The Masters, unveiled its latest renovation, a tunnel connecting the course to the ‘broadcast village’ used by CBS and ESPN. It’s the most expensive structure built on the grounds since they finished the bungalow for Tiger Woods’ hookers.

 

 

 

 

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New research in the Journal of the American College of Cardiology concludes that sexual activity rarely triggers sudden cardiac arrest. However, the odds of a sex-induced heart attack are 10 times higher in men than women. leading to a huge sigh of relief among overweight lesbians.

Target and CVS are now selling facial creams from South Korean brand Peach and Lily that include snail slime. Suppliers are having trouble keeping up with demand, because snails have a notoriously hard time getting in the mood.

A Qatar Airways jet was forced to make an unscheduled stop after a woman searching her husband’s phone midflight discovered he was having an affair and caused a huge commotion.  Qatar Airways said that the husband should have been stoned to death, so the jet landed because there weren’t enough rocks on board.

Fiat Chrysler Automobiles is now shipping the 840 horsepower Dodge Challenger SRT Demon to dealers. The street-legal dragster goes from 0 to 60 mph in 2.3 seconds and reaches 140mph in the quarter-mile. It ships with a range of accessories, including a glove compartment urn for placing the driver’s ashes after they’re scraped up.

Wonder Woman actress Gal Gadot says she will no longer play the superhero in a planned sequel if producer Brett Ratner – accused of sexual harassment – remains attached to it. As backup, 70s TV Wonder Woman Lynda Carter is being fitted with custom $30,000 bustiers made of star-spangled Spanx.

An Oklahoma woman who married her biological mother after the two ‘hit it off’ was charged with incest, in a case officials are calling The Oklahoma Family Reunion.

Syndicated gossip columnist Liz Smith is dead at age 94, according to an unnamed source.

Panera Bread is acquiring Au Bon Pain, seeking to double market share among people who like to spend a little extra to be disappointed in their lunch.

Andrew Kreisberg, executive producer of CW Network series Supergirl, The Flash, and Arrow, has been suspended while CW investigates claims of sexual harassment. Kreisberg’s attorney says his client looks forward to a speedy resolution by the Justice League.

A Dartmouth College researcher captured what is believed to be the first known footage of a crab hunting and killing a live seabird with its claws. The crab was just trying to enjoy a relaxing day at the beach with its family.