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Whoopi Goldberg announced she’s co-written a graphic novel, The Change, about a grandmother named Isabel whose menopause gives her superpowers, including hot flashes that can melt both steel and her enemies.

Jon Bon Jovi says he has no issue with his 20-year-old son Jake getting engaged to 19-year-old actress Millie Bobbie Brown – saying young love eventually worked out for his dockworker friend Tommy and his waitress girlfriend Gina.

Tile, maker of tracking devices used to locate personal items, introduced Tile for Cats, a device you can attach to a feline’s collar to tell you that the cat is on the sofa 99% of the time.

A Delaware Boy Scout leader, Gary Matta, was arrested and charged with inappropriate sexual activity with a male youth between 1989 and 1992. Matta’s case is unique among Boy Scout leaders in that he only abused Scouts for four years.

Three separate road rage shootings have taken place on Philadelphia highways within the past two weeks. In response, the Philadelphia Welcome Center rest stop on Interstate 95 will install vending machines that sell bullets.

A Frontier Airlines flight atttendant asked passengers to vote whether a disruptive passenger should be kicked off the flight. The passenger was removed, but then passengers asked if they could vote themselves off so they could fly a better airline.

A pregnant woman who allegedly reeked of alcohol was refused boarding on a Spirit Airlines flight, then beat up the gate agent. The woman was arrested, and Spirit said the gate agent will be retrained so that she doesn’t lose fistfights with passengers.

Viral video shows a homeless man stopping a baby stroller from rolling on to a busy highway. Then the baby still has the nerve to tell the guy he doesn’t have any change.

San Francisco Giants pitcher Logan Webb claims 75% of the team has diarrhea after playing two games in Mexico City. Ironically, they lost both games because the San Diego Padres had lots more runs.

A 27-year-old New Jersey teacher & marching band director was arrested for having a two-year sexual affair with a student. She wanted to have sex with somebody cool, so she sure as hell wasn’t going to sleep with anyone in marching band.

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Scientists now claim there were three species of tyrannosaurs, not just Rex – but concluded Tyrannosaurus Seth & Tyrannosaurus Dakota weren’t tough enough to survive.

Major League Baseball, unable to reach a new collective bargaining agreement with players, cancelled Opening Day. Ticket holders are advised to make alternate plans to get drunk on a Wednesday afternoon.

Former The Bachelor-star-slash ‘out’ gay man Colton Underwood got engaged in Big Sur, and is happy that he found his Big Sir.

Felicity Ace, a cargo ship carrying thousands of luxury cars like Lamborghinis & Porsches, sunk in the Atlantic Ocean after it caught fire. Filming begins next week on The Fast & The Furious: Crabs vs Sea Turtles.

Jon Bon Jovi turned 60, and is now Livin’ On A Medicare.

Republican representatives and serial imbeciles Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Taylor Greene repeatedly heckled President Joe Biden during his State Of The Union address, but were allowed to stay because they’d each met the two-drink minimum.

Doctors report the pickleball craze is leading to a rash of hospital visits among baby boomers. Players are advised to employ stretching exercises before games, and to always bring their defibrillator.

Philadelphia dropped its mask mandate, allowing city drivers to see the smiling face of their carjacker.

Russia’s invasion of Ukraine may increase in the price of beer, according to the Brand Manager in charge of the wild new flavors of Bud Light Hard Seltzer!!

Juli Boeheim, wife of Syracuse University basketball coach Jim Boeheim, was robbed at gunpoint outside of the city’s Destiny USA shopping mall. The robber was credited with a steal, and Juli with a turnover.

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The United States and the Taliban reached tentative agreement on a ‘seven day reduction in violence’. “Okay, fellas, take the rest of the week off” said the head Taliban guy to his staff of decapitators.

A 98-year-old Pennsylvania woman still sells Girl Scout cookies. She said this year she’s raising more money than last year, when she gave the order form to her Mom to bring in to her work. [story h/t to KN]

The United States evacuated most American passengers on a cruise ship quarantined for coronavirus. Some passengers refused to be evacuated, continuing to camp out next to the buffet waiting for the crab legs to arrive.

Tiger Woods may skip the Summer Olympics Golf Tournament in Japan, because he’s just not that into Asian chicks.

Donald & Melania Trump attended the Daytona 500 and issued the traditional command for racers to start their engines, but only after mistakenly yelling “fore” twice.

Melania was offered the chance to ride in a NASCAR race car, but declined after circling it for an hour trying to find the back seat.

Police in Northern California found 1,400 marijuana plants and seized 440 pounds of marijuana from inside of a building, then they finished giving their speech at the elementary school’s Career Day.

A girl and ten of her friends celebrated her 8th birthday at an Atlanta-area Target store, dressing in red shirts and khakis as employees. All were busted attempting to shoplift Barbies and fleeing through the employee exit.

Jon Bon Jovi is selling his French chateau mansion in New Jersey for $20 million. It’s the priciest French estate in New Jersey, worth ten times as much as a Au Bon Pain in Newark.

Augusta National Golf Club, home of The Masters, unveiled its latest renovation, a tunnel connecting the course to the ‘broadcast village’ used by CBS and ESPN. It’s the most expensive structure built on the grounds since they finished the bungalow for Tiger Woods’ hookers.

 

 

 

 

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An author working undercover at a U.K. Amazon warehouse said the culture was like a prison, and that he found bottles of urine on shelves because workers weren’t allowed bathroom breaks. Amazon denied the claim, saying that the bottles of urine are top sellers.

Due to crashes of its website, the IRS extended the annual tax filing deadline from April 17th to April 18th. Thanks to the additional time, charities recorded an extra $1 Billion in fake donations.

Former First Lady and Bush family matriarch Barbara Bush died at age 92. Current First Lady Melania Trump mourned the loss of Bush, saying as a child in Slovenia, she cried when a berry bush died.

24-year-old Instagram ‘star’ Melina Roberge was sentenced to 8 years in an Australian prison for smuggling $21 million worth of cocaine. Roberge grew a large Instagram following posting bikini photos at exotic travel destinations, but told a judge she intends to ‘pivot’ to videos about self-defense and keeping romance alive with her new wife.

President Trump mocked the media and Stormy Daniels for releasing a sketch of a man Daniels claims threatened her and her daughter after her alleged affair with Trump. Daniels and her lawyer are offering a $100,000 reward for identifying him, and have received one promising lead from “David Dennison”.

Acting Secretary of State Mike Pompeo met in secret with North Korea’s Kim Jong Un last week to discuss a possible U.S./North Korea summit meeting. Pompeo took the trip that was to have been made by Rex Tillerson, until Tillerson found out there wasn’t a Morton’s steak house in Pyeongyang.

A Federal investigation is ongoing in New Jersey, where thieves are using glue-covered bottles on a string to steal mail from U.S. Postal Service collection boxes. The criminals steal and deposit checks, and send vulgar replies to fan mail sent to Bruce Springsteen and Jon Bon Jovi.

A Wells Fargo banking executive, Jennifer Riordan, died from her injuries when an engine exploded on her Southwest Airlines flight and broke the window next to her seat. Wells Fargo expressed their condolences, and will close the six fake checking accounts they created in her name.

Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson met with the two black men arrested in Philadelphia at a Starbucks location after they were denied use of the bathroom without buying anything. The men declined Johnson’s offer to go to the bathroom with him.

Counterfeit Kylie Jenner makeup seized at a raid in Los Angeles tested positive for bacteria and animal waste. Jenner said that animal waste is not an ingredient of her facial makeup, just her tanning spray.

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An Apple corporate memo warning employees against leaking confidential information was, itself, leaked. Apple said that in 2017, 29 employees were terminated for leaking information – 12 were arrested, and 17 factory workers returned to 7th grade.

Ryan Fish, a 23-year-old Connecticut substitute teacher, was arrested for starting a “classroom fight club”, where he encouraged fistfights between students while other students recorded on their phones and cheered. He was charged on multiple counts of endangering children before returning in time to ring the bell for 4th-period geometry.

A 20-year-old Florida mother was arrested and charged with letting her 2-year-old smoke meth and pot. The county sheriff’s office said people joked about the toddler’s ability to roll joints. The mother faces multiple drug and neglect charges. The child was awarded a scholarship to a Florida academy for gifted children.

Comcast announced that it will partner with Netflix to bundle Netflix access in cable tv packages. Comcast said they want the ability to provide all of Netflix’ hit content, and Netflix said they want Comcast’s help making it f*cking impossible for customers to cancel Netflix.

Founder and CEO Elon Musk promised that Tesla will soon make money — for other people besides him.

PGA golfer Kelly Kraft struck a flying bird with his tee shot on the par-3 14th hole at the RBC Heritage tournament. Kraft’s ball fell into a water hazard, forcing him to take a double bogey – but since the bird had yelled “dilly dilly” he was okay with hitting it.

Three male survivors of a Chilean Catholic church sex abuse scandal will meet with Pope Francis at the Vatican. The survivors are expected to refuse the Pontiff’s offers to join him on the sofa and have something to drink.

Singer Huey Lewis has cancelled all of his 2018 shows, saying that he’s suffered almost complete hearing loss. He’s hoping for a recovery, but told his audiologist if this is it, please let him know.

Ahead of Saturday’s induction ceremonies, Jon Bon Jovi made a surprise appearance at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame on Friday – the biggest surprise since his band actually got voted in.

A multi-state E.coli outbreak has been traced to chopped romaine lettuce. Health officials said that if you have bagged chopped romaine lettuce, you should throw it out; adding that if you don’t know if the lettuce is romaine, you should throw it out – and then learn how to read.

Starbucks’ CEO apologized for the treatment of two black men, arrested at a Philadelphia location for being in the coffee shop and asking to use the restroom without ordering anything. Kevin Johnson said the actions toward black people are not consistent with the company’s values, but hey, have you tried our new BLONDE espresso drinks?

Gay rights activist and environmental attorney David Buckel died after setting himself on fire in a Brooklyn park in a “protest suicide”. He leaves behind one hell of a carbon footprint.