By |

Online influence calculator Klout is closing down at the end of May, after they calculated the most effective positive online influencing tactic was never mentioning Klout.

Starbucks Chairman Howard Schultz announced a new policy – anyone is welcome to use Starbucks bathrooms. whether they’re a paying customer or not. Schultz added “well, you can go in them, whether you can stand to use them is up to you.”

The open-bathroom policy at Starbucks was lauded by skeevy heroin addicts who are concerned that they’re not getting the privacy they need at public libraries.

The cast of The Love Boat reunited on The Today Show. They all spoke lovingly of the show, but collectively said their biggest regret was failing to get Charo together with Horshack from Welcome Back Cotter.

A bear in Rockaway Township, New Jersey broke into the SUV of a bakery owner, smashing the window and eating two dozen cupcakes that were left inside. Worse, the bear then left a two-star Yelp review of the bakery, saying the icing was too gritty.

A naked man was arrested at Daytona Beach airport for making a bomb threat. He was apprehended by TSA agents who told him multiple times that he only needed to remove his shoes and belt.

Liam is the most popular name given to newborn boys in the U.S. in 2017, according to the Social Security Administration – the least popular being Donald, Jr.

White House Chief of Staff John Kelly told NPR that the Russia investigation of Special Counsel Robert Mueller causes President Trump to be embarrassed in meetings with other world leaders.  Not his hair, not his vocabulary, not his alleged cheating with porn stars, not shady business dealings…just Russia.

Town & Country magazine withdrew an invitation to Monica Lewinsky to attend an event on ‘social change’ when they found out President Bill Clinton planned to be there. Lewinsky criticized their poor etiquette, and Town & Country apologized, saying they should have known Lewinsky would want to be there when Clinton came.

The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics released a list of the most “disproportionately popular jobs” in 40 major U.S. cities. In New York, fashion designers are highly concentrated; in Los Angeles, makeup artists.  Cities in Mississippi and Alabama weren’t listed since they don’t know what ‘disproportionately’ means.

White House adviser Jared Kushner and GOP Senator John Cornyn are touring a federal penitentiary outside of Dallas as part of a campaign for prison reform, and for Jared to interview roommates.

 

By |

Millionaire Marc Bell, a former owner of Penthouse magazine, opened his mansion to 70 foster children displaced by Hurricane Irma. So far, the girls favorite activity is getting manicures, and the boys favorite activity is looking through Bell’s photo collection.

Pop star Selena Gomez revealed to fans that she received a kidney transplant in August from her friend, actress Francia Raisa. Taylor Swift quickly cranked out a diss track slamming Gomez’s failed kidney.

President Trump toured Naples and Ft. Myers Florida to view the damage from Hurricane Irma. The President told Floridians he would be there for them 100 percent, meaning he plans to move to Mar A Lago full time.

  • The President was joined by First Lady Melania, who created her own tragedy by wearing white pants after Labor Day.

Ivanka Trump told the Financial Times that the public has “unrealistic expectations” of how much she can influence her father, President Donald Trump; adding that to influence him, she’d actually have to want to be in the same room with him.

Some parts of the Florida Keys may be without power for a month. Impeachment proceedings have already started against the Mayor of Margaritaville.

A federal judge revoked Martin Shkreli’s bail after he offered a $5,000 bounty for anyone sending him a lock of Hillary Clinton’s hair. Reached for comment, Bill Clinton said he’s still waiting for his money.

A Silicon Valley CEO says that she dyed her blonde hair brown in order to be taken more seriously. She considers it a success, but her female coworkers think her long hair drags down her face.

A research study confirms that women have more keen olfactory senses, and are more bothered by objectionable smells than men. Bad news for husbands claiming ‘it wasn’t me’.

Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg told a women’s leadership conference that “men still run the world, and it’s not going that well.” Her boss, CEO Mark Zuckerberg asked what she meant and Sandberg replied “nothing”.

The U.S. Air Force states that over 20,000 ‘space junk’ objects threaten to collide and interfere with larger space craft such as the Hubble Telescope and major communications satellites. A solution is still years away, until NASA convinces astronauts to drive garbage trucks.

The Census Bureau reports that Philadelphia remains America’s “poorest big city”, with over 25% of residents living below the poverty line. It’s so bad, Philly residents can’t even save enough money to move to Detroit.

 

By |

Fox News host Eric Bolling has been suspended pending an investigation into alleged unwanted sexts he sent to several female coworkers. Bolling is host of ‘The Five’, named for the sexts.

  • Bolling becomes the latest man at Fox News to be the subject of sexual harassment allegations, following late founder Roger Ailes, Bill O’Reilly, and almost all of Fox News Penis Photography Division.

Anny Divya, a 30 year-old woman, is the youngest commander/pilot of a Boeing 777 after receiving her certification from Air India. Passengers can expect to hear that they’ve totally reached their cruising altitude of, like, 35,000 feet or whatever.

10 people were injured when a flight from Greece to Philadelphia hit severe turbulence as it neared landing. Passengers described their experience as “terrifying” – both the experience of flight, and the experience of being in Philadelphia.

Swiss bank UBS released a study claiming that using self-flying, pilotless planes could save airlines $35 Billion per year, but that only 17% of passengers would welcome flying in a pilotless plane. The other 83% of respondents were sober.

A marijuana growing company purchased the entire town of Nipton, California for $5 million. Many of the small town’s 20 residents hope to be hired by the grower, register for employee benefits, then never show up for work again.

Vice President Mike Pence dismissed reports that he was considering a 2020 Presidential run as “disgraceful & offensive”. And, in all likelihood, true.

Atlanta firm Cardlytics – a research company specializing in tracking credit card spending – says young U.S. residents are spending less on gasoline and more on boutique fitness classes. The research is validated by Uber drivers who are so sick of hearing about your Soul Cycle class.

Bill and Hillary Clinton attended a screening of ‘Wonder Woman’. Bill stayed until the end, Hillary walked out when she realized it wasn’t about her.

A pop-up tornado in Tulsa, Oklahoma injured over 30 people, including six diners at a TGIFriday’s. None of their injuries were life-threatening, mostly related to flying debris and endless mozzarella sticks.

A New Jersey surgeon is believed to be among the first to use a plastic, 3d-printed skull implant on a human. The patient is expected to make a full recovery and resume smashing beer cans in to his head at the Jersey Shore.