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The FBI announced the arrest of three robbers who held up a Houston-area Wells Fargo bank, aged 11, 12, & 16 years. The youngest handed the teller a note demanding they put the g**damned money in the Spongebob backpack.

New York State is allowing prison inmates to train dogs to be service animals. It’s going pretty well, except for the dogs requiring veterinary care after trying to carry jailbreak tools to prisoners in their butts.

Kourtney Kardashian declared on social media that she’s ‘autosexual’ – defined as deriving erotic pleasure from one’s own body. Coincidentally, guys looking at pictures of Kourtney & her sisters say it’s turned them autosexual, too.

Donald Trump may be forced to sell real estate because he hasn’t found a Treasury Department-approved surety bond issuer to loan him nearly $500 million to appeal his financial fraud judgment before Monday. Meanwhile, ‘Fair Deal Vladdy P’s Bond & Check Cashing Service’ awaits Treasury Department approval.

A report from DailyMail.com claims DNA tests like 23andMe and Ancestry are revealing to many people that they’re the product of incestuous relationships. More shocking, these children of siblings seem pretty eager to tell DailyMail about it.

A Texas high school teacher was arrested and charged for having sex with as many as 12 students, after supplying them vapes and booze. The teacher resigned, and said how hard it is having to buy school supplies out of her own pocket.

Ireland’s youngest ever Prime Minister Leo Varadkar announced his resignation – and you think you did some regrettable stuff on St. Patrick’s Day….

Journey’s 1981 rock anthem Don’t Stop Believin’ has been named the Biggest Song of All Time by Forbes, having reached 18 million purchases, downloads & streams. Ironically, it’s caused most other bands to stop believin’ they’ll ever be that successful.

JetBlue is cutting back on flights and exiting cities including Bogota, Colombia. In an unrelated move, Spirit Airlines announced new SmuggleSaver fares to select South American cities.

Buckingham Palace is on the defensive after admitting photos of the Royal Family have been doctored for years. Most recently, Princess Kate admitted her family photo was edited, and reps conceded that the late Queen Elizabeth II did not participate in snowboard halfpipe at the 2018 Winter X Games.

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Police in Tennessee are warning residents not to flush drugs down the toilet, since the drugs flow to sewer treatment ponds populated by alligators & ducks, creating highly aggressive “methgators” – and “heroinducks” that nod off and drown.

  • Engineers are working to solve the problem by rerouting Tennessee’s flushed illegal drugs from local sewage treatment plants, to water parks in West Virginia to meet that state’s demand.

Amidst a record dry spell, France is restricting water use, frustrating French citizens who wanted to take their annual shower in July.

A Florida man who ran a red light and slammed into a car carrying teenagers confronted good samaritans with a taser when they attempted to help the teens. Asked why he used a taser, the man said he forgot his gun.

A massive fire at a Jim Beam distillery in Kentucky on July 2nd leached alcohol into the Ohio River, killing fish, and getting others so drunk they called for rides rather than swim home.

An elderly man flying from Bogota, Colombia to Barcelona, Spain was arrested for smuggling 500 grams of cocaine under his toupee. Customs officials grew suspicious watching several hot women ask to smell his hair.

The annual Running of the Bulls in Pamplona ended on Sunday with three men gored by a single bull. The bull expressed disappointment that he couldn’t gore one more runner to hit for the cycle.

Nestle is introducing a new KitKat bar without any added sugar. “Gimme a break! Break me off a piece of that KitKat bar and give it to someone else!”..says the catchy jingle.

This year’s Consumer Electronics Show – held every January in Las Vegas – will, for the first time, officially sanction the display of vibrators and sex toys. Before this year, to see sex toys and vibrators, attendees had to go anywhere else in Las Vegas.

Due to the current heat wave, City of Philadelphia public swimming pools will operate on a ‘Free Swim’ schedule — meaning planned activities will be cancelled so that everyone will be free to urinate in the pools.

Uber plans to introduce “flying taxis” in Los Angeles and Dallas by 2023.  Due to the company’s history of creepy drivers harassing women, female passengers will be encouraged to bring their own parachutes.