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Pillsbury is recalling bread flour for possible e.coli contamination. If you press the Doughboy’s stomach on an affected bag, he’ll giggle, then vomit and shit himself.

Gloria Vanderbilt died at age 95. Hundreds of mourners are expected at the funeral to see which outfit she would be caught dead in.

  • Vanderbilt’s calling hours will feature her being pushed down a funeral home runway every five minutes showing off pieces from her Fall Collection.

Boeing officially apologized to families of victims who died in 737 MAX aircraft crashes. In turn, families turned on the ‘You’re Getting Sued’ sign.

Two people were shot at the Toronto Raptors victory parade. NBA officials took several minutes reviewing video to decide if the shots were two-or-three pointers.

Author Suzanne Collins announced the 2020 release of a prequel novel to The Hunger Games series, entitled Let’s Eat, Katniss!

A new NYU study claims life expectancy in large cities like Chicago could vary by as much as 30 years depending on your zip code. In a related story, Chicago’s criminal gangs  successfully applied to get their own zip codes.

Harvard and Japanese scientists are claiming a breakthrough in anti-cancer drug development, synthesizing compounds from sea sponges. Cancer sucks, but the sponges suck cancers.

A Maryland woman whose husband died at a Dominican Republic resort says officials there recommended his cremation. Officials denied trying to hide the cause of death, they just said cremation was covered in the price of the all-inclusive resort.

Cardi B split the seat of her jumpsuit twerking onstage at Bonnaroo music festival. Tailors around the world agreed it was far too much to ask of a single stitch.

Wildwood, New Jersey plays host to the National Marbles Championship. The winners receive scholarships and the honor of being the only people vacationing in Wildwood, NJ not to lose their marbles.

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Police arrested a woman at a Largo, Florida Burger King when she refused to leave the bathroom. When she did, cops found seven syringes containing clear liquid hidden in her vagina. The woman said she “f**ked up”, and also said she didn’t know how fertility injections worked.

Officials in Iowa are warning residents about canine brucellis, a disease in dogs that can be spread to humans through dogs reproductive fluids. Pet owners are reminded to wash their hands regularly or, if they’re really lonely in Iowa, to use a condom.

Prince Jackson – Michael Jackson’s eldest son – graduated with a business administration degree from Loyola Marymount University. He grabbed his diploma with one hand and his crotch with the other.

Demi Lovato announced she’s hired a new manager, Scooter Braun, who also manages Justin Bieber, Ariana Grande and others. No word on when or if she plans to ride her new Scooter.

Lauren Sanchez is reportedly pressuring billionaire boyfriend Jeff Bezos to make their public debut as a couple. Thanks to photos acquired by the National Inquirer, Bezos has already made his pubic debut.

Japan is testing its new 248mph bullet train. [photo below] Men are super excited to ride it, women need some time to get used to the idea.

bullet train

An Oregon woman accused McDonald’s of negligence when she asked an employee to fill her 4-year-old’s sippy cup, and an employee put scalding hot water in it. The daughter suffered minor burns and blisters, and was pissed it wasn’t the coffee she wanted.

Levels of CO2 exceeded 415 parts per million for the first time in modern human history, a record level of greenhouse gas. Citizens who want to make a difference are encouraged to plant a tree and watch it die.

Tinder announced they’re rolling out Tinder Lite for use in emerging overseas markets, where access to cellular data is limited, but which have pent-up demand for sexually transmitted disease.

Tinder also announced the introduction of Festival Mode, a way for men & women at events like Bonnaroo, Electric Daisy Carnival & Firefly to find matches – in hopes of getting both a backstage and a backdoor pass.

 

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Serena Williams pulled out of the French Open, citing issues with her pectoral muscle. On the advice of her doctor, her child will stop breast feeding with utensils.

Former UFC women’s champion Miesha Tate delivered a new baby girl, Amalia. She was held in submission for nine months, but finally tapped out of the birth canal after 67 hours of labor. Neither Miesha or Amalia have discussed a rematch.

An FBI agent dropped his gun while doing a backflip at a Denver-area bar; the gun discharged and hit a bar patron in the lower leg. The agent expressed his regret that he couldn’t get a shot for everyone.

Appearing on the Today show, President Bill Clinton said that he doesn’t feel that he owes Monica Lewinsky an apology, although he did offer to pay a dry cleaning bill.

Kim Jong Un replaced all three of North Korea’s top military officials prior to his summit meeting with U.S. President Trump in Singapore on June 12th, after finding all of their resumes on the office printer along with cover letters sent to General James Mattis.

In suburban Philadelphia, a student was stabbed at Upper Darby High School. Or, as they call it in suburban Philadelphia, “vocational training.”

Apple kicked off its Worldwide Developers Conference by announcing iOS12. It launches this fall, provided you’ve already started downloading it.

Howard Schulz is retiring at Chairman of the Board at Starbucks. He’s rumored to be running for President, once he figures out if visitors can use the White House bathrooms without buying a tour first.

Gretchen Carlson, former Miss America and current Chair of the Miss America organization, announced that the competition is no longer a pageant, and that there will be no swimsuit competition going forward. Entrants, however, can still wear push-up bras and tape their boobs together for the new calculus bee if they feel like it.

The Bonnaroo music festival announced that it will wash and swap attendees clothes for free. Visitors to the LaundROO Lounge can swap out and wear clean vintage clothes while theirs are washed in a machine from LG, sponsor of the lounge. Or if they’d rather get their own clean clothes back, they can wait in a patchouli bath and eat Tide pods.