By |

Officials in Delaware report more cases of Vibrio vulnificus – a flesh-eating bacteria infecting those with open cuts swimming or wading at beaches. Officials say the problem is biggest in Delaware because bacteria there like to eat when they’re bored.

Nintendo will launch its newest mobile phone & tablet game, Dr. Mario World, on July 10th. They say revenue will come from in-game purchases and that, like many others, Dr. Mario will not accept new patients with Obamacare.

Federal agents seized 16 tons of cocaine at a shipping port in Philadelphia. There was so much, they asked Philadelphia International Airport baggage handlers to help move it – resulting in all evidence being lost or destroyed. C

The latest dating trend is “cookie jarring” – keeping a non-serious backup romance in a ‘cookie jar’ as a fallback while you pursue a first choice. Women especially dislike being kept in the cookie jar – while men are fine with it, provided the cookies come with sex.

Retired baseball star & convicted felon Lenny Dykstra was dumpster diving outside a Jersey Mike’s sub shop because he left his dentures in a napkin that the restaurant threw out. He was joined by other Jersey Mike’s customers looking for their lost self-respect.

Google announced a commitment to invest $1 billion in Bay Area, California to help build 15,000 new homes for low-to-medium income residents – so, anyone who only makes a half-million dollars a year.

Viral video captured the moment a flight attendant was slammed into the ceiling of a jet during severe turbulence en route from Kosovo to Switzerland. The flight attendant is said to be okay, while the passenger shooting the video still wants his damn Diet Coke.

Coca-Cola is holding a contest for the public to come up with its next flavor. The early frontrunner is Original Cocaine flavor, because they already have the recipe.

Brett Favre was trending on Twitter as rumors circulated about his coming out of retirement. He said he’s staying retired, but wanted everyone to know that he came up with the whole ‘show your penis to massage therapists’ thing long before Robert Kraft.

MTV announced the cancellation after one season of “Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club”, and that the Mykonos, Greece nightclub location for the show is closed. VH1 announced the premiere date for their new show, “Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club Is Closed”.

By |

Michael Cohen, in a hearing regarding documents seized by the FBI, revealed that Fox News anchor Sean Hannity was also a client in addition to Donald Trump.  The ‘witch hunt’ is now a ‘which hunt’ – as in, ‘which’ is the bigger scumbag client of Michael Cohen?

Desiree Linden became the first American woman to win the Boston Marathon since 1985, after six Kenyan and Ethiopian women runners froze to death.

Domino’s announced that they’re creating hotspots so that people can have pizza delivered to outdoor locations like the beach. They came up with the idea when they noticed not very many people were getting sick to their stomachs at the beach.

Former FBI Director James Comey said that Donald Trump is “morally unfit to be President.” Adding to “physically”, “mentally”, “emotionally”, “strategically” and, of course, “totally”.

The New York Times and The New Yorker shared a Pulitzer prize for public service for their reporting on Harvey Weinstein and sexual harassment in Hollywood. The winning writers exchanged polite handshakes and nobody even thought about hugging each other.

Sun Country Airlines stranded passengers in Mexico, cancelling their return flights to Minnesota. The airline is seasonal, so cancelled flights were the last ones and Sun Country refused to send other aircraft. Luckily, a benevolent Mexican stranger offered to fly stranded passengers back to the states after they each swallowed several condoms.

Starbucks CEO Kevin Armstrong said employees will undergo ‘unconscious bias’ training following the Philadelphia incident where police were called to remove two black men from the shop. The training will also prevent baristas from putting six Splenda packets in black customers’ coffees without their asking.

James Comey continued a string of tv appearances Tuesday on ABC’s Good Morning America for a follow-up conversation with George Stephanopoulos. But he had to cut it short to get to his new gig on Live! With Kelly and Comey.

Brett Favre reportedly auditioned to replace departed Jon Gruden as color announcer on Monday Night Football, but was removed from consideration for repeatedly using his penis as the quarterback on the telestrator.

Pro wrestlers Nikki Bella and John Cena have ended their engagement. Insiders claim that Cena was balking over going through with their May wedding, leading Bella to tag out. The couple requests privacy until they can explain what happened at the next Wrestlemania.