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Joe Biden spent the weekend at Camp David, where he played Mario Kart with his granddaughter. He kept his kart behind Princess Peach hoping to get a whiff of her hair.

Sia’s new movie, ‘Music’, was savaged by critics for its irresponsible portrayal of autism. Other writer/directors told Sia they “wouldn’t want to be ya”.

Gen Z declared the crying laughing emoji, skinny jeans, and side-parted hair uncool, and that they make you look old. The opinions are creating both hurt feelings and greater self-awareness for 40-year-old guys hitting on 20-year-olds on Tinder.

Nancy Pelosi is calling for a 9/11-type commission to investigate the January 6th D.C. Riots. Republicans dismissed it, saying Trumpers just wanted to murder Congress, not fly jets into the Capitol Building.

A New York Times essay claims teaching kids to do household chores like ordering takeout and emptying the diswasher can enrich their mental health. They say it works best with pre-teens, and not at all with adult male kids.

Sony was hit with a class action lawsuit over defective Playstation 5 controllers, by the thirty people who have actually been able to get a PS5.

Marriott CEO Arne Sorenson passed away. He’s survived by a wife, four children, and a goddamned ton of reward points.

Meghan Trainor gave birth to a baby boy, Riley. Now she’s all about that bassinet.

British researchers discovered “strange creatures” that survive under a mile of Antarctic ice. The males are really turned on by frigid females.

Adidas is selling the Reebok brand it acquired 15 years ago, saying the 1980s called and wanted it back.

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President Trump called off talks with Taliban leaders at Camp David. Things broke down when the Taliban heard it was catered by Burger King, and Trump aides refused Taliban requests to substitute meatless Impossible Whoppers.

Tomi Lahren’s fiancee, Brendan Fricke, is running for Congress in California. Fricke, an Independent, believes his candidacy will provide two big benefits – showing voters a conservative platform, and him spending extended time away from Tomi Lahren.

The Rock delivered the good news that car crash victim Kevin Hart is “doing very well”, and more good news that Hart won’t be making any new movies for a while.

Actress and multiple sclerosis advocate Selma Blair shared a photo with no hair and no pants – but shut down rumors she was auditioning for a new Britney Spears biopic.

Google is facing antitrust investigations by just about all U.S. states. What’s worse is when you ask Google Assistant if it’s a search and Internet monopoly, it replies an emphatic YES!

Apple is expected to debut new iPhones at an event on September 10th. “See? This is where all of our hard work pays off” said preteens in China.

Amazon is looking to fill 30,000 jobs and is having a Career Day on September 17th in six U.S. cities. Applicants are advised to bring resumes and dress to impress the robot interviewing them.

A 7-year-old boy who spent savings for a Disney vacation on supplies for Bahamian refugees was given a free trip to Disney World and a visit from Mickey Mouse. The boy asked if homeless Bahamian kids could go to Disney World and Mickey told him to forget it.

Scientists discovered evidence of a city-sized asteroid that killed the dinosaurs 65 million years ago —  not to be confused with Election Day 2016, when the dinosaurs came roaring back into power.

A boy in Tennessee was bullied for wearing a homemade University of Tennessee Volunteers shirt to his grade school’s ‘College Colors’ day – so the Vols sent him boxes of official gear. Now the kid is being bullied because Tennessee’s 0-2 football team sucks.

David Lee Roth will perform a nine-show residency at the House of Blues – Las Vegas, marking the first time a Vegas act performed Louis Prima covers in over 40 years.

Todd Palin filed for a separation from Sarah Palin. He’ll move to Russia so Sarah can still keep an eye on him from home.