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A 19-year-old U-Haul driver is accused of ramming a truck in to the fence at the White House. He was taken into custody, and the friends who are helping him move are wondering if they’ll ever get their free pizza.

The Los Angeles Dodgers reinvited a group of drag queens to their Pride Night celebration. They’d been excluded following conservative criticism, but were told by Major League Baseball they couldn’t be banned because they’re all members of the San Francisco Giants.

An empty plot of land in Dubai sold for $34 million – ending a bidding war between Dubai toddlers playing in the sand, and cats shitting in it.

A bird was killed after being struck by a baseball hit by Cleveland Guardians Will Brennan. Brennan was credited with a single; the bird was taken out of the game for lack of hustle.

New GOP presidential candidate Tim Scott fired back at Whoopi Goldberg for her saying that Scott, who’s black, has ‘Clarence Thomas syndrome’. Scott thinks the criticism is unjust, but also wouldn’t mind having a white billlionaire friend take him on expensive vacations.

A new study suggests people listen to sad songs to feel ‘connected’ to others. Men specifically listen to sad Taylor Swift songs because they want girls who like them to connect with them at the genitals.

Artificial intelligence company Sanctuary debuted Phoenix, their new humanoid robot that stands 5’7″ and can lift 55 pounds. Phoenix cost $20 million to build and can earn $17 an hour working at an Amazon warehouse.

One of America’s most popular handguns, the SIG Sauer P320 semi-automatic, is reportedly firing on its own even when holstered or sitting at rest. So say some police officers use it, as well as a guy who claims it shot his wife six times on its own.

The latest fashion trend amond Gen Z women is wearing only sheer bras and underwear as evening apparel. Men and women say they like seeing the look on Gen Z, but not on Gen XXXL.

A mother of two whose boyfriend of 15 years dumped her before their wedding spent $37,000 on a ‘revenge body’ – including a boob job, face lift, lip fillers, hair transplants, a Brazilian butt lift, liposuction, and vagina tightening. The ex-boyfriend asked how much it would cost for her to lose her kids.

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In a new survey, the majority of Gen Z respondents say they don’t like the greeting “Hey guys” to address a mixed-gender group because of its masculine bias. They also don’t like the gender-neutral “Hey whatever you are”.

Nearly a dozen Philadelphia junior high students were sickened after drinking grape juice laced with an opioid. A dozen other students were sickened after drinking Mountain Dew Gogi Citrus Strawberry soda laced with nothing.

Lyft is laying off 1,100 corporate employees, Lyft’s biggest-ever drop.

Gay hookup website TruckerSuckers was hacked, with usernames, passwords, birthdates and private messages all stolen. Nonetheless, it’s still a big ol’ 10-4 for the annual TruckerSuckers Convoy at the Flying J in Omaha for sucking truckers.

Doctors claim oral sex is driving an epidemic of throat cancer because of HPV, and because of people who use chewing tobacco while giving head.

Video of a Spirit Airlines worker patching the wing of a jet with silver tape went viral. Insiders claim that this is common practice using an aluminum product called Speed Tape. However, the Spirit worker’s tape still had a Dollar Tree label on it.

Rihanna will star in a new Smurfs movie, where the Smurfs discover Smurfette can’t really sing.

Amazon posted a first quarter profit of $3.2 billion, exceeding Wall Street estimates, but disappointing warehouse workers who were promised a pizza party if they hit $3.2001 billion.

Cody Sprague, a North Carolina man, allegedly recorded video of a dog performing a sexual act on him. He shared the dog with his girlfriend, who subsequently threw out Sprague, and three jars of Skippy.

An independent pro wrestler, MASADA, suffered significant burns at a California event when he tried to blow a fireball at his opponent and his head was engulfed in flame. He’s at a hospital where he’s being treated for burns, and a severe concussion after fellow wrestlers tried putting out the fire with folding chairs.

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Joe Biden spent the weekend at Camp David, where he played Mario Kart with his granddaughter. He kept his kart behind Princess Peach hoping to get a whiff of her hair.

Sia’s new movie, ‘Music’, was savaged by critics for its irresponsible portrayal of autism. Other writer/directors told Sia they “wouldn’t want to be ya”.

Gen Z declared the crying laughing emoji, skinny jeans, and side-parted hair uncool, and that they make you look old. The opinions are creating both hurt feelings and greater self-awareness for 40-year-old guys hitting on 20-year-olds on Tinder.

Nancy Pelosi is calling for a 9/11-type commission to investigate the January 6th D.C. Riots. Republicans dismissed it, saying Trumpers just wanted to murder Congress, not fly jets into the Capitol Building.

A New York Times essay claims teaching kids to do household chores like ordering takeout and emptying the diswasher can enrich their mental health. They say it works best with pre-teens, and not at all with adult male kids.

Sony was hit with a class action lawsuit over defective Playstation 5 controllers, by the thirty people who have actually been able to get a PS5.

Marriott CEO Arne Sorenson passed away. He’s survived by a wife, four children, and a goddamned ton of reward points.

Meghan Trainor gave birth to a baby boy, Riley. Now she’s all about that bassinet.

British researchers discovered “strange creatures” that survive under a mile of Antarctic ice. The males are really turned on by frigid females.

Adidas is selling the Reebok brand it acquired 15 years ago, saying the 1980s called and wanted it back.