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The Boy Scouts of America are planning to change their name to ‘Scouts BSA’ with girls now allowed to join. Scouts BSA beat out other potential new names including ‘Uniscouts’; ‘Panscoutual’, and ‘United Bullying Victims’.

A GoFundMe campaign raised $20,000 so that a 104-year-old man can fly from Australia to Switzerland to end his life via assisted suicide. In addition to the money, the campaign message board was flooded with ideas on how to do it much cheaper than $20,000.

President Trump tweeted that Robert Mueller’s investigation is interfering with his ability to do his job, saying that discussion of the Russia probe is keeping Fox & Friends hosts from telling him where he should meet Kim Jong Un.

Kanye West said that black slavery is “a choice” – apparently referring to his and black athletes’ repeated appearances on Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

Ford Motor Company filed a patent for a minivan designed to carry a motorcycle that can pop out of it. They plan to sell it to emasculated dads so they can hop on the motorcycle and chase down the people in fun cars who insult them on the highway.

Lyft pledged $1.5 million in free rides to low-income people, so that attractive poor women can be sexually harassed.

Iowa passed the most restrictive abortion law in the country, dealing a crippling blow to sexually active teenagers, who can’t believe this happened in such an amazing place to live.

A Detroit-area Catholic high school has scrapped plans to hand out “modesty ponchos” to prom-goers whose dresses are deemed too revealing. Instead, they’ll follow standard Detroit prom tradition and hand out condoms & riot gear.

Yale University revoked Bill Cosby’s honorary degree, following similar actions by Temple, University of Pennsylvania, Marquette, Brown, Fordham, Carnegie Mellon and Notre Dame.  “I’ve lost more degrees than the body temperature of a dead hooker!” Cosby said, proving he’s still got it.

The CEO of Xerox resigned. The replacement will be named after someone opens Door 1 and clears out a jam of candidates.

Southwest Airlines flight 957 from Chicago to Newark made an emergency landing in Cleveland after a window broke. “Now I’ll never see the Grand Canyon!” said the drunk passenger in seat 14F.

The E.coli outbreak tied to romaine lettuce has killed its first victim. The California resident, who remains unidentified, thought they would remain healthy by ordering the dressing on the side.

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Wildlife workers in New Jersey were able to rescue a young male deer who had a glass bowl stuck on his head. The deer was released into the wild, but only after the workers delivered the sad news that he could never be an astronaut.

President Trump angry-tweeted at California Governor Jerry Brown for pardoning convicts facing deportation, calling Brown “Moonbeam”. Brown said he expected that from Trump — adding that Trump appears to have lost his ‘chi’ and his chakras are waaaay out of alignment.

A Long Island, NY judge is accused of breaking into his neighbor’s home and stealing three pairs of panties from the hamper of their 23-year-old daughter. His attorney filed a motion for bail, but didn’t file any other briefs.

Mexico is concerned that increasing violence is threatening the lucrative tourism business in areas such as Cancun, Los Cabos and Playa del Carmen. It’s gotten so bad, luxury hotels now welcome guests with gifts of bulletproof sombreros.

Actor Eddie Redmayne gave a reading at the funeral of Stephen Hawking. Critics said that Redmayne came off sounding robotic.

President Trump’s pick for National Security Adviser, John Bolton, called Russian election meddling “a true act of war”. Bolton then cut into a steak served medium instead of medium rare like he ordered it, telling the waiter it was “a true act of war”.

Apple issued a new version of iOS that tells iPhone users when it’s time to change their phone battery. It works by detecting when the iPhone owner has $29.

Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University have developed knitting patterns for making 3D shapes. Now instead of scarves and mittens, your grandma can knit you a stuffed animal made of yarn that you can throw away, instead.

Sinclair Broadcasting is under fire for forcing its anchors to read a company-issued  statement that many view as pro-Trump. The statement read “tune in at 8 for a hilarious new episode of ‘Roseanne’ “.

Walmart is rumored to be buying health insurer Humana, so you can look forward to having the claim for your lifesaving surgery denied by a high-school dropout making $10/hour.

Tesla posted an update on its website regarding a fatal accident where a vehicle’s owner died when his Tesla crashed on autopilot. The vehicle was still being examined,  and the autopilot remained jailed after refusing a breathalyzer.

Personal and financial information from shoppers of Saks Fifth Avenue was stolen. Hackers obtained the wealthy, bored, housewives’ credit card information, purchase history, and the names of their favorite gardeners, pool boys and gigolos.

Following a boycott request from Parkland shooting survivor and activist David Hogg, over a dozen companies have dropped their ads from Fox News’ ‘The Ingraham Angle’. Holdout advertisers include Sleep Number, ATT, Allstate and catheter lawsuits.